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#880939 - 04/15/13 12:36 AM Monday Funday??
gymcandy1 Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 30111
Loc: Mead, Oklahoma
I sold the memoirs of my sex life to a publisher - they are going to make a board game out of it.
Woody Allen
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

These are actual police officer quotes collected from numerous people stopped for moving traffic violations.

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."

"In God we trust, all others are suspects."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Idiots Everywhere


IDIOTS AT WORK...
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.



ADVICE FOR IDIOTS...
An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees: "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."



IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD...
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.



IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE...
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce. "He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.



IDIOTS IN THE NEWS...
Buffalo Channel 4 News on October 20th,1999 informed its captivated audience that when selling their computer, the best way to erase the files on your computers hard drive is by drilling a hole in the drive its self! "By drilling a hole in the drive its self, you make it impossible for the new owner to get your files."



IDIOT SIGHTINGS...
Sighting #1: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? "He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."

Sighting #2: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"

Sighting #3: At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "this is fun. We should have lunch like this more often." Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.

Sighting #4: I worked with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.

Sighting #5: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open." Hey," I announced to the technician, "It's open!" "I know," answered the young man.- "I already got that side."

Sighting #6: I work in a hospital and one day the doctor and I were asking a pregnant lady some questions upon admission to the maternity ward. When we asked her who we should call in case of an emergency, she stated "911".

Sighting #7: My daughter was going over to the neighbors house to visit but didn't want to miss a call from her boyfriend so she took the cordless phone with her. While at the neighbors she wanted to check back at home to see if her younger brother was okay. My daughter then picked up the neighbors phone and dialed our number. While waiting for someone to answer the phone at home, the phone she brought over with her began to ring. She immediately hung up the neighbors phone and answered our phone. There was no one there. She wanted to know who it was who called so she used our phone to call our house. The line was busy. Getting very frustrated she left the neighbors to go home and see who was on the phone. No one was on the phone. My daughter could not figure out what was going on until someone explained it to her.

Sighting #8: As systems manager of an answering service a few years back I had the pleasure of working with an especially ignorant doctor. Our system was trying to fax her messages to her place of business when a message came back informing us her fax was out of paper. When I called her office and told her about this she replied, "Oh, I'm all out of bond paper. Could you fax me some?" I'm right on it, Babe.

Sighting #9: I was in McDonalds one time when the lady in front of me ordered a cheeseburger and requested no cheese. Now I don't know about you but that sounds like a hamburger to me.

Sighting #10: Many years ago I worked in a delicatessen. The assistant manager had burnt something in the oven and smoke was pouring from the kitchen area. When the store manager came by and asked why she hadn't opened the emergency fire exit door to allow the smoke to go outside she said, "I thought about it but I couldn't find the key!"

Sighting #11: I was sitting at my University bar with some friends the other day when we overheard a man talking on his mobile phone. He was saying that he wanted to "buy, buy, buy" some shares and "sell, sell, sell" some shares. Unfortunately for him, his mobile phone actually began to ring!!! The laughter in the bar was heard for miles!!

Sighting #12: A friend of mine and I were on a little road trip with his wife driving. Everything was pretty quiet when she turned to us and asked, "If you are driving 70mph, about how far would you go in an hour?" Oh yeah, she's a smart one.

Sighting #13: Calling the telecommunication company to inform them my phone didn't work and that when I picked up the receiver its completely dead, the technician said from the other end "Are you calling from the number of the phone that does not work?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good morning everyboomie. welcome

Well I've figured out that the next time I'm suffering from insomnia I should get out of bed, and come and start a diner post. rolleyes

That always seems to put me to sleep pretty quickly. sleep

Hopefully it doesn't have the same effect when you read it. razz

If you happen to be needing help getting to sleep, just send me a pm, and I'll send you back a PM pm. wink

Look into my eyes. You are getting sleep, very sleepy. eek



sleep
_________________________
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers

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#880952 - 04/15/13 01:46 AM Re: Monday Funday?? [Re: gymcandy1]
Haroula Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 7985
Loc: Greece
lolGood morning boomers wave
Dentist today eekI hate it yes
Have all a happy Monday happydance
_________________________
Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.



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#880963 - 04/15/13 03:39 AM Re: Monday Funday?? [Re: Haroula]
cailyn Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 01/08/06
Posts: 6077
Loc: Somewhere ? in Massachusetts?
Good morning Joe,Haroula,and all who follow me in waveJoe I hope your enjoying your vacation,Haroula good luck at the dentist luck Lots of coffee is ready! Another chilly morning shiver I think Spring forgot about us this year springand we'll propably go straight to summer yesEnjoy the day everyone puppy
_________________________
I may not have gone where I intended to go,but I think I have ended up where I need to be.

Sue

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#880968 - 04/15/13 05:33 AM Re: Monday Funday?? [Re: gymcandy1]
Kaki's Sister Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 11/21/04
Posts: 17484
Loc: Marlborough USA
smile Good Morning Joe, Haroula and Cailyn. Joe good luck head hunting! Haroula hope all goes well at the dentist. Cailyn I agree. It looks like Spring did not spring this year! Wishing All a sunny day! smile
_________________________
Gerry

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#880985 - 04/15/13 06:44 AM Re: Monday Funday?? [Re: gymcandy1]
connie Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 07/12/02
Posts: 8165
Loc: winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone. Bad storms here last night. We got almost 3 inches of rain. A tornado went by, but it didn't touch down thank goodness. It looked and sounded like a hurricane out there. eek To all here and all who follow, have a Great Monday. Danish, Waffles, and Cinnamon Buns in the NC. spring
_________________________
Connie

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#880986 - 04/15/13 06:51 AM Re: Monday Funday?? [Re: gymcandy1]
GBC Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 07/06/07
Posts: 14698
Loc: Massachusetts
Good Morning Boomers

Joe, sweet dreams. See you in the morning.

Haroula, good luck at the dentist.

Cailyn, coffee...yay! Let's pretend
spring is here!

Gerry, have a good day!

A happy day is wished for all. School vacation week so I don't know what will be on the agenda for the week as yet. Dog walking this morning.

Morning Connie, didn't see you there. Wow, glad the storm didn't touch down.


Edited by GBC (04/15/13 06:52 AM)
_________________________
Gail

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#881015 - 04/15/13 09:01 AM Re: Monday Funday?? [Re: gymcandy1]
flutist Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 07/17/01
Posts: 11419
Loc: Kirkwood, MO USA
Good morning all.

Gotta go get a haircut and it is raining out. Yuck. I hate driving in rain. Hope it stops before I have to leave.

Orchestra tonight.

A great day to everyone.

Bets
_________________________
Corgis fill your life with Joy, your heart with Love, and your soul with Sunshine.

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#881049 - 04/15/13 10:37 AM Re: Monday Funday?? [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Offline
GB Reviewer Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 42521
Loc: Alabama
Magnificent Monday ya'll puppy

I'm hoping for a quiet but productive day. Hopefully, I'll get the boys out walking. Supposed to be 80's by the afternoon. wave
_________________________
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

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#881056 - 04/15/13 10:45 AM Re: Monday Funday?? [Re: gymcandy1]
Space Quest Fan Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 02/17/01
Posts: 9651
Loc: Columbus,Ohio USA
thanks for the laughs Joe. lol
_________________________
It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.

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#881067 - 04/15/13 11:19 AM Re: Monday Funday?? [Re: Space Quest Fan]
Gimli Offline
Addicted Boomer

Registered: 06/15/05
Posts: 2314
Loc: Switzerland
Good morning Boomers

I'am back wave

Dad's urn burial last Tuesday was a very ceremonious and tearful matter. We held it at the cemetery of his community of origin, about two car hours from where we live here in Switzerland. I met a lot of cousins which I last saw approx. 40 years ago. Mum and I stayed for a few days with relatives. Now we have to tackle a future without my Dad.
You can't begin to imagine how much administrative burden such a death creates...

Spring came knocking on our door this morning. It's 70F outside and, after writing this post, I will go outside to walk a bit in the sun. WooHoo, we did it! Knocked winter on the head cool

I hope all is well with you. I'am sending hugs and kisses to you all!

Love!

Evelyne
_________________________
"You ask me what life is. That's like asking me what a carrot is. A carrot is a carrot is a carrot" (A. Chekhov)

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#881078 - 04/15/13 11:48 AM Re: Monday Funday?? [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 65523
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Good morning boomies! I'm off with the dogs in a second and then a quick grocery trip. Dance tonight and in between I should be returning to the corner. Full day! Life is good. hearts

Evelyne, I went through it with my parents so I know how much is involved. I send you the strength to get through it emotionally and physically. kissy

SpaceQ, do you have the day off today? Hope all is well.

L4L, I hope your day goes as planned.

Bets, stay dry!

Gail, enjoy Spring Break!

Connie, glad you are safe.

Gerry, blowing the little warm we got your way.

Sue, have a great day!

Haroula, good luck at the dentist.

Joe, I hope your day today is absolutely fabulous. Enjoy Josh's visit!
_________________________
Don't feed the Trolls

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#881088 - 04/15/13 12:32 PM Re: Monday Funday?? [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Offline
GB Reviewer Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 42521
Loc: Alabama
Okay, back from our walk. Doggies were great. Something funky going on with my gait though. My feet and legs don't hurt at home walking around, but when I walk at the park....oh my goodness....pain pain pain. I really need to figure this out. wave
_________________________
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

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#881122 - 04/15/13 03:13 PM Re: Monday Funday?? [Re: looney4labs]
cailyn Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 01/08/06
Posts: 6077
Loc: Somewhere ? in Massachusetts?
Just heard that there we're 2 explosions at the Finish Line of the Boston Marathon,what is this world coming to? sad
_________________________
I may not have gone where I intended to go,but I think I have ended up where I need to be.

Sue

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#881126 - 04/15/13 03:26 PM Re: Monday Funday?? [Re: gymcandy1]
auntiegram Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 06/10/06
Posts: 13755
Loc: northern Wisconsin
Joe enjoy your visit with Josh! Happy head hunting if ya go!! Thanks for the chuckles.

Ana hope the walk with the dogs was enjoyable and that the corner goes well.

Haroula best of luck at the dentist. think Wonder why everybody hates going to the dentist??? lol

Cailyn thanks for the coffee. I am begining to think that Spring, Summer, and Fall are going to be "no shows" this year. lol Snow every other day for the next week.....again.

Gerry have a lovely walk and a nice day!

Gail hope the weather is nice for the Springbreak time!! Have a nice walk and fun with the kids.

Connie glad that you are all safe from that storm! Thanks for the danish.

Evelyn I too have been there and know what you are going through. HUGS!!! Keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers. Glad Spring is there and enjoy it!!

Wow....they just showing that the Boston Marathon had a couple of explosions at the finish line about a half hour ago. How sad. Prayers headed up for all those that are involved and quick healing for those that have been injured.

Bets have fun at orchestra tonight!!! Hope the rain stops.

L4l maybe when you are out walking your gait is a little different then when you are walking around home. duh I know mine is cause I have to adjust to the weather conditions. Prayers the pain goes away!

Space hope you have a lovely day!!!

wave
Nan

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#881133 - 04/15/13 03:52 PM Re: Monday Funday?? [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 65523
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
I've been watching the continuous feed since the explosion. I feel sick. sad

I think that was my last outing with the dogs in the woods till fall. I came home covered in ticks and I am an unhappy camper.

I am back in the corner for the next week so the party is over. lol

L4L, if your hips are out of line your leg will hurt when walking especially on uneven surfaces. My hubby goes to a chiro not in our network and he is 45 dollars a visit. They also have Living social, Amazon deals and Groupons for chiropractors. Maybe you can find one for your area?

Nan, any fun plans for the day?
_________________________
Don't feed the Trolls

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