Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
Two assassins are hired to kill a dictator in South America. They follow his every move for months, and find out that every day at noon he goes outside and does his stretching exercises.
So the assassins set up shop right across the street, get all of their sights set, load the guns, and have everything ready to go.
Noon comes, no dictator... 10 minutes longer... no dictator.
One assassin turns to the other and says, "Gee, I hope nothing happened to him."
A new business was opening and one of the owners friends sent flowers for the occasion. but when the owner read the card with the flowers, it said, "Rest In Peace". The owner was a little peeved,and he called the florist to complain.
After he told the florist about the obvious mistake, the florist said, "Sir I`m really sorry for the mistake,but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations On Your New Location".
A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night.
Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect. So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally passes gas quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.
Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, turns to the waiter and demands "Stop That!"
The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Sure lady, which way was it headed?"
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "Hey, Buddy! how long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber look around the shop and says "about 2 hours," and the guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks..."how long before I can get a haircut?"
Again, the barber looks around at shop full of customers and says "about 2 hours." The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks "how long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says "about an hour and a half". The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey, Joey, I'll give you a free cut if you follow that guy and see where he goes."
In a little while, Joey comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber says, "this must be good, where did he go when he left here?"
Joey says, "To your house!"
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."
"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."
"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $9.80."
"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars which I invested IN Apple."
The ninety-year-old man was in for his checkup when the doctor learned he was about to marry an eighteen-year-old girl.
"Now, Mr. Jenkins", the doctor warned, "you should know that when a man your age marries an eighteen-year-old girl, somebody could get hurt".
The old man shrugged, "If she dies, she dies".
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient's room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand. Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet.The doctor asked his patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor.
The patient replied in an irritated fashion, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"
The doctor inquired, "And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?"
"Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb."
The doctor asks, "If he's your friend, don't you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?"
"What? And work in the dark?"
There was a party that many rich people attended. The host had recently built a tank with many alligators, paranas, and many other things that could kill you. The host said that if anyone could swim across the tank, he would, to the best of his ability, grant them 3 wishes.
Well, nobody was up to the challenge, so everyone just started having a good time and doing that "party thing."
Suddenly, there was this big splash! The host looked and saw a man swimming to beat hell across the tank, and, lo and behold, he made it!
The host walked over to the man and said, "Alright, you made it, WOW!. What are your 3 wishes?" The man replied, "First, you see that shotgun of yours? give me it, Two, see those bullets over there? give me them, 3, find me the dirt bag who pushed me in."
Good morning bloomers.
I couldn't thank God for Friday when I have to work Saturday, but I am soooooo off tomorrow.
That thought will keep me smiling all day...
.....and make all of my bosses wonder what I'm up to. "We can't go on together, with suspicious minds." "Thank you! Thank you very much."
Hey kids! Do you know what time it is?
It's put Joey to bed time.
AKA put Joey out of his misery time.
Have a happy day all.