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#896812 - 06/25/13 01:31 AM Tuesday's
gymcandy1 Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 30066
Loc: Mead, Oklahoma
Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence. True friendship is a plant of slow growth, and must undergo and withstand the shocks of adversity before it is entitled to the appellation.
George Washington (1732 - 1799)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

Genie's Wish
A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that," the husband replied.

"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes -- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"OK, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country of the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie replied.

"You know what, genie, maybe we can repay you by making one of YOUR wishes come true... what's your wish, genie?" the husband said.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"

"35," she replied.

"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal:
"Change your course ten degrees east."
The light signals back: "Change yours, ten degres west."
Angry, the captain sends: "I'm a Navy captain! Change your course, sir!"
"I'm a seaman, second class," comes the reply. "Change your course, sir."
Now the captain is furious. "I'm a battleship! I'm not changing course!"
There's one last reply. "I'm a lighthouse. Your call."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A doctor is going round the ward with a nurse and they come to the first bed where the chap is laying half dead.
"Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, no," replies the nurse, "I gave him eight tablets every two hours!"
At the next bed the next patient also appears half dead.
"Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?"
"Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour," replies the nurse.
Unfortunately at the next bed the patient is well and truly deceased, not an ounce of life. "Nurse," asks the doctor, "did you prick his boil?"
"OH MY GOODNESS!" replies the nurse.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One day O'Leary decided to visit his friend Paddy and ask him for a favour.

"Paddy my friend", he said. "I'm going on holiday for a few weeks an I wanted to know if you could come around a couple a times a day to check up on me elderly ma, an feed me cat".

"No problem", replied Paddy. "You go an have a good time".

So the next day O'Leary left and headed for sunny Florida. However, after a week of him being there, he received a phone call from Paddy. "Everything's ok over here", Paddy said.
"Except you're cat. It's dead"!

"oly ell", replied O'Leary. "You could have been a bit more sensitive Paddy"!
"What do you mean?", replied Paddy.

"Well, one day you could have rang me up and told me that my cat has climbed the tree. The next day you could tell me that it has gone even higher up the tree and refuses to come down. On the third day you could tell me that the cat lost its grip and fell from the tree and had to be taken to the vets because of a broken leg. Then on the fourth day you could have told me that it died peacefully in the vet clinic", explained O'Leary.

So paddy apologised and another week went by, when one day O'Leary got another phone call, it was Paddy again.

"All right O'Leary", he said. "Everything's ok here, except your ma -
She's climbed the tree and refuses to come down"!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Once upon a time there was an archery contest.

The first archer, wearing a long cape covering his face, lines up in position...

He takes a deep breath and fires an arrow which finds the center of the target.

Then he takes of his cape and screams: I AM...... ROBIN HOOD!!! The crowd cheers!

The second archer with a cape lines up in position.

He fires his arrow which hits the center and cuts robin hood's arrow into two!!!

He takes off his cape and screams: I AM...... WILLIAM TELL!!!!!! The crowd cheers!!

finally, a third man in cape lines up in position... He fires his arrow but it goes all wrong!!!

It flies past the crowd and kills the king!!! Then the man takes off his cape and screams: I AM......SO SORRY!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage."

The clerk looks at him and says, "You must be Polish"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something."

" If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian?"

"Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?"

" Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?"

"Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"

The clerk says, "Well, no."

"And If I'd asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

" Well, I probably wouldn't."

"Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Because you're at Ace Hardware."
~~~~~~~~~~~

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.

Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss," he said, "The pill actually worked!"

"Great" said the boss. "So where were you yesterday?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say theline 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again.

Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and using just one finger he delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theater erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was screaming!

"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"

The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"

"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"
~~~~~~~~~~~

Good morning everyboomie. welcome

Another really long day is begun, and I'm sooooo excited. penguin

I'm excited because IT'S FRIDAYYYYYY! dance

It's a true miracle. That's milagro in Spanish. wink

I was only minutes from certain death, and I sent up a prayer to the great scheduler, and he/she answered it. woot Woot for sure.

Praise the scheduler. praise Praise him.

or her... grin

or them

I think I need to discuss my sister's schedule with "them." wink

I don't think she's getting enough work time.

Ok, well, I have a really nice mattress and I need to go sleep on it.

Have a happy day everyone.

joe
_________________________
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers

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#896813 - 06/25/13 01:43 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
cailyn Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 01/08/06
Posts: 6058
Loc: Somewhere ? in Massachusetts?
Good morning Joe waveSweet dreams to you sleepWoke up at 1:30 couldn't get back to sleep! So it will be an extra long day for me,unless I can sneak in a nap tiredI'll put the coffee on and keep it fresh,wishing a happy day for all summer
_________________________
I may not have gone where I intended to go,but I think I have ended up where I need to be.

Sue

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#896814 - 06/25/13 02:00 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
Haroula Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 7828
Loc: Greece
Good morning Joe,Sue and all,have a great day. happydance wave
_________________________

Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.



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#896823 - 06/25/13 05:07 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
Kaki's Sister Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 11/21/04
Posts: 17330
Loc: Marlborough USA
penguin Good Morning Joe, Cailyn and Haroula. It's going to be a hot day today in the 90s and a bad air alert. Wishing you all a "cool" day! penguin
_________________________
Gerry

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#896832 - 06/25/13 06:29 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
connie Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 07/12/02
Posts: 8127
Loc: winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone. Nan, hugs for you and prayers for your granddaughter. hearts We're going to go to the rehab to see SIL today. We will stop by her house on our walk and take care of her cats. To all here and all who follow, have a Great Tuesday. Danish, Bacon Sandwiches, and French Toast in the NC. summer
_________________________
Connie

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#896834 - 06/25/13 06:47 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
GBC Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 07/06/07
Posts: 14582
Loc: Massachusetts
Good Morning Boomers

Joe, hope your day goes by quickly for you.

Sue, you're going to need an extra cup of coffee this morning to make it through the day.

Haroula, happy day.

Gerry, try to stay cool today.

Connie, I'm sure you SIL appreciates you taking care of her cats. Thanks for the Danish.

Nan, hugs! Over the years in my line of work I've seen this happen to so many Moms. Prayers out that the kids will be okay through this. hearts

Another scorcher of a day here. Will try to get a dog walk in before it gets too hot. scared
_________________________
Gail

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#896862 - 06/25/13 09:48 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Offline
GB Reviewer Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 42398
Loc: Alabama
Terrific Tuesday ya'll puppy

Hubby and I popped up early, but not bright. Foggy foggy foggy! But not for long. We all had a great walk and then home for our normal routine. Hubby will be off to work soon (has to work late this week and is no longer allowed to get overtime, so he goes in late).

Came downstairs to find Cullen asleep on the couch. He is Not supposed to sleep on the couch, but he came down in the middle of the night and curled up.

Son has to take off for the first of his many open-to-close shifts this week. Ex Dil is supposed to pick the boys up 10ish.

Then this afternoon Keoki has an appointment at the vet for a pain shot. After that, I'll cook the books some more and collapse.


wave to all
_________________________
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

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#896865 - 06/25/13 10:01 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: looney4labs]
Darlene Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 02/10/00
Posts: 9407
Loc: Southern California
wave Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers! Happy Tuesday, and hope your Friday is Fab-U-Lous!

hearts Nan, big hugs to your family!

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

Alrighty, gotta skoosh! See you later!
_________________________
You become what you think about. Change your thoughts, change your life. - Dko

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#896880 - 06/25/13 11:19 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
auntiegram Online   content
Adept Boomer

Registered: 06/10/06
Posts: 13700
Loc: northern Wisconsin
thanks For all the hugs and well wishes. They help one to get through a day, ya know. lol

Joe Happy Friday!!!!! May work fly and go well so you may enjoy the next two!!! Thanks for the chuckles.

Aw Cailyn sorry you woke so early and could not fall back to sleep. Hope you may find time for a nap. Thanks for the coffee and have a lovely day!

Haroula have a lovely day!

Gerry stay cool in that heat. I don't know how high of a temp we are to reach but it already is 75F out there. Have a lovely day!

Connie give your sil a hug and I am sending prayers that here rehab be short and successful!!! hearts Thanks for the danish!!

Gail hope you will be able to get a nice walk in. It was already 68F when I got up so headed out right away with Sassy. We got a nice long walk in and I got me a nice bouquet of Lilacs!!!! Ahhhhhhh love there fragrance. Have a lovely day!

L4l glad you were able to get a nice walk in before too much heat settled in! Good luck at the Vet. Happy book cooking. lol

Darlene may work fly and everything go smoothly!! Have a lovely day!

No plans.....yet! lol

wave
Nan

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#896883 - 06/25/13 11:31 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: auntiegram]
cailyn Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 01/08/06
Posts: 6058
Loc: Somewhere ? in Massachusetts?
Nan hugs going your way heartsI have been there my Gr.daughter still lives with me she's going to be 15 next month! I 'm off to see if I can get a nap in tired
_________________________
I may not have gone where I intended to go,but I think I have ended up where I need to be.

Sue

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#896900 - 06/25/13 12:16 PM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Online   happy
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 65263
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Good morning boomies! It's a stormy day here and our Jersey relatives are stuck at the airport trying to get home the last few hours.

I was surprised when I went in the back to feed my wildlife this morning because the crazy high winds we had with yesterdays storms left my yard, potted plants and everything exactly as they were but my neighbors on all sides have significant damage. Next to my fence is my neighbors one week old very large gas grill that was picked up and smashed. The burners were torn out and all. eek The other yard had a brick firepit that is about 20 feet from their patio now. I guess we were very lucky!

Nan, big hugs to you. Maybe it's a blessing for Abbi. Sometimes what seems bad at first ends up the best that could happen. Will pray for them all. hearts

be back,...
_________________________
Don't feed the Trolls

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#896905 - 06/25/13 01:12 PM Re: Tuesday's [Re: BrownEyedTigre]
luv2travel Offline
Addicted Boomer

Registered: 01/30/02
Posts: 2110
Loc: Phoenix, AZ USA
Hi all!
Going to be 117F here Friday. Too too hot!
L4L-yes we're crate training. Hard work training a puppy. Worn out, me not Remy.
Have a good day!
Andrea wave

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#896915 - 06/25/13 02:33 PM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
Sorta Blonde Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 11/29/04
Posts: 7295
Loc: San Diego, CA
Wow, 117 in AZ! Normal for you, right? rotfl
I lived 9 years in Brawley, CA, also very very hot and I got so used to it, when I moved back to San Diego, I was so cold, it was funny.

Stay cool, hit the air conditioned places, and don't forget to put towels over the steering wheel and on the seats of your car. I learned quickly after a few burns.

Looks like the Niece of the old guy is gone. Was here Saturday all day going through boxes of stuff, came Sunday morning and was gone at noon and all night. Came back today around 7:30 am with the Snake and his son (both of their vehicles were there. I think they loaded about 6 2x2x2 boxes into Son's van and then they were all gone by 8:30. Old guy's SUV is backed in right where it belongs so I think the Niece is flying home today. Didn't do much at the house, maybe shipped those boxes home, but it's only the tip of the iceburg. I know how much stuff is packed in all over the place. Waiting for the 'next' installment of all this drama.

Gonna be hot here today I think. Only 73 now but they predict more. A bit humid and sticky, not normal and it feels hotter. Going out to sit on the porch swing and watch the world go by.
_________________________
WARNING! This person is extremely blonde...please type SLOWLY.

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#896917 - 06/25/13 02:42 PM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Offline
GB Reviewer Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 42398
Loc: Alabama
Well, vet appointment got cancelled as my tummy decided it did not feel well enough to leave the house today. So, went back to bed, sipped on my ginger beer, put the heating pad on my tummy and dozed a bit. Now feeling almost human again, so time to filet those books. wave
_________________________
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

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#896926 - 06/25/13 04:03 PM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
Space Quest Fan Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 02/17/01
Posts: 9586
Loc: Columbus,Ohio USA
thumbsup on the sleeping joke joe.
_________________________
It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.

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