History is more or less bunk. It's tradition. We don't want tradition. We want to live in the present and the only history that is worth a tinker's dam is the history we made today.
Henry Ford (1863 - 1947), Interview in Chicago Tribune, May 25th, 1916
The American ambassador visited the Molvanian president. In the waiting room he talked with two of the ministers for five minutes.
When he entered he said to the president, "I really don't want to bother you but I talked with two of your ministers, and my gold watch was disappeared."
So the president answered, "OK. I'll take care of it," left the room and came back two minutes later with the watch.
The ambassador said, "Thank you very much," said the ambassador. "I hope that I didn't cause any crisis between you and them."
"That's OK," said the president. "They did not notice."
An old man was relaxing at his hundredth birthday party when a reporter went up to him. "Sir, what is the secret of your long life?"
The man considered this for a moment, then replied, "Every day at 9 PM I have a glass of port. Good for the heart I've heard."
The reporter replied, "That's ALL?"
The man smiled, "That, and canceling my voyage on the Titanic."
One winter morning while listening to the radio, Bob and his wife hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Bob's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio
announcer says, "We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Bob's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park..." then the electric power goes out.
Bob's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
A man comes into a small town and starts convincing people he has super-natural powers.
He meets a guy called Georgo who is unable to walk without crutches and asks him: "George, how would you like to get rid of those crutches? with my powers I will cure your legs so that you will be able to run like a tiger".
Then he goes to a guy called Stan who stutters and asks him if he would also like to be cured.
Stan says: "O---O---Of course I w--would like t--t--that".
So, the man invites the whole town to sit in front of a big stage, where he puts Stan and George behind a red curtain.
"Ladies and gentlemen", he says, "I will now ask George to through him crutches from behind the curtain". Immediately a pair of crutches is thrown from behind the curtain, and the audience is shocked.
"Ladies and gentlemen", he then says, "I will now ask John to speak without stuttering".
A few seconds of silence pass, but John is not heard.
"John, please, speak to us".
"John, everybody came to hear you speak, please, start now".
Then a sound is finally heard from behind the curtain:
Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head.
They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool.
The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.
Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.
He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where upon the head starts coughing and sputtering.
Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some **** puts a swimming cap on me!"
A Scotsman and an Englishman lived next door to each other.
The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning he would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.
One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg.
The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.
The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.
They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the testicles and time how long it takes for you to get back up. Then you kick me in the testicles and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."
The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman put on the heaviest pair of boots he could find. He took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked him as hard as he could in the testicles.
The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his groin, howling in agony for 30 minutes.
Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."
The Scotsman smiled and said, "Nope, I've decided ye can keep the egg!!"
A lady stumbles into a bar. She says, "Beertender, give me a dribble martuni, and put a pickle in it."
He gives it to her, and she drinks it down.
She says, "Beertender, give me another dribble martuni, and put a pickle in it." He gives it to her, and she drinks it down.
She says, "Beertender, give me another dribble martuni, and you better put two pickles in it, because...because I've got heartburn."
The bartender says, "Look, lady...it's not beertender, it's bartender. It's not a martuni, it's a martini. It's not a dribble, it's a double. That's not a pickle, it's an onion. And you haven't got heartburn, You have your left breast in the Ashtray!"
Sam had been in the hectic newspaper business for twenty-five years when he decided that he was sick of the stress and quit his job. He bought 50 acres of land in the middle of Nowhere, Vermont. His place was so isolated that the postman came only once a week and he went to the grocery store only once a month.
After six months of near total isolation, he hears a knock on the door. He opens the door and a big bearded Vermonter is standing there. He says, "Names Enoch...your neighbor from four miles over the ridge. Having a party Saturday...thought you'd like to come."
"Great," replies Sam. "After six months of living like this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thanks for inviting me."
As Enoch is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you, though, there's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem. After 25 years in the newspaper business, I can drink with the best of them."
Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. "More 'n likely gonna be some fightin', too." Tough crowd, Sam thinks to himself. "Well, I get along with people. Don't worry, I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again, Enoch turns from the door, "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too." "Now that is not a problem," Sam says. "I've been up here all alone for six long months. I'll definitely be there.
By the way, what should I wear?"
Enoch stops in the doorway one last time and says... "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the 2 of us there."
Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to the weekend!
Most of you started your weekend 2 days ago, but had to do it without little old moi, but now I'm here to join you.
Now let's get out there and have some fun.
Anybody know any good head hunting places?
Any where it's cool??
Guess I'll stay in, and look for them here in my house. I think I have a fair chance of finding some.
Actually I may just get in my truck and drive around, and look for new hunting grounds.
I'm sure I'll have to use my good looks and boyish charm to convince someone to give me permission to hunt their property.
Sure hope they're all widows.
Guys don't respond well to my boyish charms.
Have a happy day everyone.