Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please.
Mark Twain (1835 - 1910)
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. ''You've got to have a room somewhere,'' he pleaded. ''Or just a bed, I don't care where.'' ''Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy,'' admitted the manager, ''and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you.'' ''No problem,'' the tired Marine assured him. ''I'll take it.''
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. ''How'd you sleep?'' asked the manager. ''Never better.'' The manager was impressed. ''No problem with the other guy snoring, then?'' ''Nope, I shut him up in no time,'' said the Marine. ''How'd you manage that?'' asked the manager. ''He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,'' the Marine explained. ''I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me.''
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "if I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen".
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your own wife fell three times this week."
The only cow in a small town in Poland stops giving milk, so the villagers buy one from Minsk for only 1,000 rubles.
Because the cow is so wonderful, they buy a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it.
However, whenever the bull goes near the cow, the cow moves away.
The people are upset and decide to talk to the sage.
They tell him what's happening: "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from behind, she moves forward."
The sage thinks about this for a minute and asks, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"
The people are dumbfounded. "Yes," they say. "How did you know?"
The sage answers sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."
Maria is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children. Soon after the last child is born her husband dies.
A few weeks later she remarries and over the following years has another 22 children with her second husband.
After the last child is born her second husband also dies.
Within a month Maria is engaged to be married a third time. Unfortunately she becomes very ill and dies.
At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says,
"At least, they're finally together."
A man standing next to the priest asks, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband?"
The priest says, "I mean her legs."
Former Vice President Quayle, Speaker of the House Gingrich, and President Clinton are traveling in a car together in Kansas.
A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. They all fall into a daze. When they come to and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the fabled Land of Oz.
They decide to go see the famous Wizard of Oz. The Wizard is known for granting people their wishes.
Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain."
Gingrich responds, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart."
Clinton speaks up, "Where's Dorothy?"
Good morning everyboomie.
You probably don't want to know how I really feel about today, so I'll just lie about it.
YAAAAAA IT'S MONDAY!! I love Mondays.
I'm so happy the weekend is over and I get to go back to work.
I especially like it because I get to get up at 3:30.
I wish I could share my good fortune with all my friends.
When I get to work I'm going to give my boss a great big hug.
Come on everybody. Let's all hold hands, and sing a happy song. Don't worry if you can't sing, just make a joyful noise.
Have a happy day everyone.