An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last.
Sir Winston Churchill
Queen Elizabeth and Prince Phillip are entertaining the King and Queen of Tonga, during the visit they accept a customary ride in the horse drawn cart around the grounds of Sandringham Castle.
During the trip one of the horses forts and the sound and smell carries all the way through the cart to the royals. Embarrassed by this, the queen whispers in Phillip's ear "do you think I should mention that to our guests?". Phillip agrees saying "yes, that would be a good idea".
So the queen leans over to the the King of Tonga and says: "please do excuse me, I'm very embarrassed about that", to which the king of Tonga replies, "that's ok ma'am, I thought it was the horse".
Three men, one German, one Japanese and a Texan were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager, "he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The Texan felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The Texan finally said "Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax."
Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery:
- Has anyone seen my watch?
- That was some party last night I
can't remember when I've been that
- [blip]! Page 47 of the manual is
- Well this book doesn't say that...
What edition is your manual?
- OK, now take a picture from this
angle. This is truly a freak of
- Better save that. We'll need it for
- Come back with that! Bad Dog!
- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen,
then what's that?
- Hand me that...uh...that
- If I can just remember how they did
this on ER last week.
- Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml
of this stuff before?
- [blip], there go the lights again...
- Ya know, there's big money in
kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two
- Everybody stand back! I lost my
- Could you stop that thing from
beating; it's throwing my
- I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
- Well folks, this will be an
experiment for all of us.
- Steril, shcmeril. The floor's clean,
- What do you mean he wasn't in for a
- What do you mean, he's not insured?
- This patient has already had some
kids, am I correct?
- Nurse, did this patient sign the
organ donation card?
- Don't worry. I think it is sharp
- What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
- I don't know what it is, but hurry up
and pack it in ice.
- Let's hurry, I don't want to
miss "Bay Watch"
- That laughing gas stuff is pretty
cool. Can I have some more of that?
- Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that
one, he's still moving.
- Did the doctor know he would look
like that afterwards?
- Of course I've performed this
operation before, Nurse!
- FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!
Mrs.O'Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin, and coming in the opposite direction was Father Rafferty. "Hello," said the Father, "and how is Mrs.O'Donovan? Didn't I marry you two years ago?" She replied "That you did Father." The priest asked, "And are there any little ones yet?" "No, not yet Father," said she. "Well, now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for you." "Thank you, Father." And away she went.
A few years later they met again. "Well, now, Mrs. O'Donovan," said the Father, "how are you?" "Oh, very well," said she. "And tell me," he said, "have you any little ones yet?" "Oh yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins, and four singles -- ten in all." "Now isn't that wonderful," he said "And how is your lovely husband?" "Oh," she said, "he's gone to Rome. To blow out the [blip] candle!
After a Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says "Hey Sen~or, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guiness sits down and says "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guiness?" and the Guiness resident replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."
Good morning everyboomie.
Two down, and four to go, and I wished to heck they would get gone already.
The heat is unmerciful this week. 100 degrees plus every day.
That's like double my sister's IQ......plus another 10 degrees.
Every day at some point during the day my shirt is soaked in sweat.
Yesterday I had to take, it off and wring it out. It filled up a 5 gallon water jug.
The guys out in the garden center asked me to get them another drinking water jug after that.
It COULD have been strained through a stocking to filter it.
Well I've got one more early day and I've gotta get myself ready for beddie-bye.
My sister is spending the night with her best friend, and I've gotta little surprise to get ready for when she gets back.
I just hope they don't all crawl out of her bed before she uses it again.
That'll blow the surprise part all to heck, and I do love hearing the surprise in her screams.
Have a happy day everyone.