Look not mournfully into the past. It comes not back again. Wisely improve the present. It is thine. Go forth to meet the shadowy future, without fear.
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807 - 1882)
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident.
It's a bad one.Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's
interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God! "
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle.... My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants
us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head in agreement,opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police"
A man comes to dinner at a new friend's house. While they eat, the new friend's small son keeps staring at the guest. Finally, the guest says, "Why are you staring at me like that, young fellow?"
The kid says, "Daddy told me you were a self-made man."
"Well, why did you make yourself like that?"
A little boy returning home from school said to his mother, 'Mom, what's sex?'
His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject.
When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, 'Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?'
At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your mother."
A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter on the wall over the bed. With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, with all his piercings and tattoos and his big motorcycle.
But is not only that Mum, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams. I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we may want.
In the meantime, we'll pray for the science to find the AIDS cure, for Ahmed to get better, he deserves it. Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit for you to know your grandchildren. Your daughter, Judith.
P.S.: Mum, it's not true. I'm at the neighbour's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in the desk drawer.
Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of town all week.
Johnny said, "Mommy, guess what? Yesterday, I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady from next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and then Daddy got on top of her and --"
The mother held up her hand and said, "Not another word! Wait until your father gets home, and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me."
The father came home, and the wife told him that she was leaving him.
"But why?" croaked the husband.
"Go ahead, Johnny. Tell Daddy just what you told me."
"Well," said little Johnny, "I was playing in your closet and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and Daddy got on top of her and they did just what you did, Mommy, with Uncle Bob when Daddy was away last summer!"
A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by
two female teachers went on a field trip to the local
racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the
During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the
toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one
teacher and the boys would go with the other.
As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's
toilet, one of the boys came out and told her that he
couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, the teacher went
inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their
armpits, one by one.
As she lifted one up by the armpits, she couldn't help but
notice that he was unusually well-endowed for an elementary
school child. "I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.
"No ma'am," the man replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver
Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow."
Good morning everyboomie.
The jokes are up, and the coffee's ready to serve up.
As for me, much too soon I'll be getting up.
Some of you will already be up.
When I've eaten up my breakfast, and tidied up my room, I'll mosey up the road and start up my day.
As my day is winding down, I'll start to wrap things up, and when my work is done, I'll pack it up, and load it up, and head on down the road again.
If my gas gauge is down, I'll stop and fill her up, and when get back home I'll do the same for me.
When I'm full up, of course......I'll get up, and sit down to just relax a while.
Ahhhhhhhhh I am soooo down with that.
Then, when my chillin time is up, I'll get up and get ready to lay down, and start it all again.
Are you guys up for a happy day?