When the President does it, that means it's not illegal.
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock at the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3:30 in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.
Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing on the porch. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost! It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the front door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
And the drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."
IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK.....You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON...You get three meals a day.
AT WORK.....You only get a break for 1 meal; you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON...You get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK.....You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
IN PRISON...A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK.....You must carry around a security card and unlock and
open all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON...You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK.....You get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON...You get your own toilet.
AT WORK.....You have to share.
IN PRISON...They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK.....You cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON...All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK.....You get to pay all the expenses to go to work, and then
they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON...You spend most of your life looking through bars from the
inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK.....You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go
IN PRISON...There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK.....They are called supervisors.
The Shortest Books Ever Written
* 1000 Years of German Humor
* Everything men know about women
* The Code of Ethics for Lawyers
* Italian War Heroes
* Who's who in Puerto Rico
* Americans' Guide to Etiquette
* Royal Family's Guide to Good Marriages
* Safe Places to Travel in the USA
* Jerry Garcia's Guide to Beating Drug Addiction
* Contraception by Pope John Paul II
* Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
* Cooking Gourmet Dishes With Tofu
* Gun Control for The New Millenium: NRA Handbook
Three rednecks, Bubba, Earl and Jeb, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard.
"Come have a look over here", says Bubba, "It's Zeb Jones' grave, God bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing", says Earl, "here's one named Butch Smith. It says here that he was 95 when he died."
Just then, Jeb yells out, "But here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!"
"What was his name?" asks Bubba.
Jeb lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Georgia."
Great news Boomers! Some of the old favorite singers and bands have re-released
their great hits with new titles and lyrics to accommodate their aging
Herman's Hermits: "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"
The Rolling Stones: "You Can't Always Pee When You Want"
Credence Clearwater Revival: "Bad Prune Rising"
Marvin Gaye: "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"
The Who: "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"
The Troggs: "Bald Thing"
Carly Simon: "You're So Varicose Vein"
The Bee Gees: "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"
Roberta Flack: "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"
Johnny Nash: "I Can't See Clearly Now"
The Temptations: "Papa Got a Kidney Stone"
ABBA: "Denture Queen"
Leo Sayer: "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
Commodores: "Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom"
Procol Harem: "A Whiter Shade of Hair"
The Beatles: "I Get By With a Little Help From Depends".
~~~~~~~~~~Arkansaw Drivers License Application
Plez compleet this paper, best ya can.
Last name: ________________
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: [_]M [_]F [_]None
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Janitor [_] Still Operator
Spouse's Name: ______________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________
Lover's Name: _______________________________
2nd Lover's Name: ____________________________
Relationship with spouse:
Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___
Mama's Name: ____________________
Daddy's Name: ____________________
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
If you obtained a higher education what was your
[_] 5th grade [_] 6th grade
Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?
Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Age you started drivin ______ (If over 10 are you
still slow lerrnin ? [_] Yes [_] No)
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen
____ bedroom ____ bathroom/outhouse
____ shed ____ pawnshop
Model and year of your pickup: 194_ 195_ 196_ 197_
Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Guns and Ammo [_] Bassmasters
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe:
[_] Not Applicable
How many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
Brand of chewing tobacco or snuff you prefer:
[_] Red-Man [_] Skoal
[_] Levi-Garrett [_] Copenhagen
[_] Days Work [_] Garrett Sweet Snuff
[_] Cannon Ball
How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don't know
Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to the weekend!
If by chance you're one of 'those people' who don't want the week to end, what's wrong with you man?
I just don't want today to end, and strangely enough, by some twist of luck, it never does.
I plan on having a huge celebratory party when tomorrow gets here.
If anyone ever asked me if I had to choose, what day I would prefer to die on, I would say I want to die yesterday.............DUH!!
If anyone ever asked me how many hours of sleep I needed per night I guess I would have to say........
.....let me sleep on it.
Have a happy day everybody.