We bear the world and we make it... There was never a great man who had not a great mother - it is hardly an exaggeration.
Olive Schreiner (1855 - 1920)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~The truths about life, that little children have learnt:
1. No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3. If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5. You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6. Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9. Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10. The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.The great truths about life, that adults have learnt:
1. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2. Wrinkles don't hurt.
3. Families are like fudge . . .mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4. Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5. Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.Great truths about growing old:
1. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2. Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3. When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4. You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5. It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6. Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7. Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
- Frank Sinatra
Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat hairy girls.
- Timothy Walsh
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
- W.C. Fields
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
- Henny Youngman
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
- Stephen Wright
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven...
- Brian O'Rourke
You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline... it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
- Frank Zappa
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
- Winston Churchill
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
- Dave Barry
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
- Humphrey Bogart
I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
- Homer Simpson
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Product and company slogans that really never quite gaught on too well...
Charmin: "Butt... Wipe... Err."
Microsoft: "How much are you going to pay today?"
Eggs: "The Incredible Edible Ovum."
MTV: "Loud and easy to spell."
Saks 5th Avenue: "You Could Shop Here if You're Poor, But That Would be Stupid."
Iguana: "The other green meat."
[blip] Enlargement Specialists: "It Don't Mean a Thing If It Ain't Got That Swing!"
Nike: "Just buy the [blip] shoes, you flabby spineless lump!"
Daisy Air Rifles: "Keeping kids off your lawn for over forty years."
Canon Photocopiers: "Quit calling them Xeroxes, dammit!"
Pepto Bismol: "Squash the Squirts!"
Trojans: "Just add meat."
Apple MacIntosh: "Hey, we thought of it first!"
Radio Shack: "You've got questions, we've got geek losers!"
I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don't know them.
I try to stay awake and watch for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls."
When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my Taylor Made 460 driver.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the PGA Superstore?
Good morning everyboomie.
HO HO HO! Imma sooooo hoppy.
Just for the fun of it I'm going to call work and tell them I'm not coming in today.
I'm sure they'll say no problem, just don't be late tomorrow.
Sometimes my humor gets lost in translation.
I really shouldn't say that though, when you consider I'm talking to a manager.
They are all born without a sense of humor.
I don't know how they function at all.
Many of them are also born without a spine.
Speaking of missing bones, my legs are feeling all wobbly. I'd better get to bed.
It takes me a while to crawl all the way back to my room.
Have a happy day everyone.