How could you be a Great Man if history brought you no Great Events, or brought you to them at the wrong time, too young, too old?
Lois McMaster Bujold, "Memory", 1996
A Doctor sent a tweet to his patient saying:
‘I have your test results - you have venereal disease and need immediate treatment’
The patient tweets back:
‘Can I get a second opinion?’
The good doctor tweets:
‘Yes, your Twitter page is horrible too.’
Sandra visited an Ophthalmologist for her eye check up.
The doctor asked her to read some letters with her left eye while asking her to keep the right eye covered.
Sandra was so confused on which eye was which that the frustrated eye doctor took a paper bag, made a hole in it, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters.
He saw that Sandra had tears in her eyes.
"Hey," said the Ophthalmologist, "there's no need to get sentimental about getting glasses."
"Its not that," said Sandra, "Well, I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."
Kingfisher Airlines was operating it's flight from Bombay to Goa. The passengers were all looking forward to their holiday in Goa when suddenly there was an announcement in the plane.
"There is a technical fault in one of the engines of the plane. This will cause a delay of 20 minutes in landing."
There was some commotion among the passengers and then everyone settled down.
A little later, there was another announcement.
"The first engine has failed and the second engine has also developed a fault.There will be a delay of another 60 minutes."
Passengers voice their concerns and then they settle down again.
A third announcement follows.
"Two engines failed. Third engine developed fault. Too much pressure on the last engine. Delay of another 2 hours"
An old lady, who was looking forward to the beaches of Goa and not too happy with the situation, said loudly "I hope the fourth engine remains intact. I don't want to spend the rest of the night up here."
Tom was 70 and Diana was 65, when they decided to go on a cruise in the Carribean. They were having a conversation at the deck, when a giant wave came up and took away Diana with it.
They arranged to send divers down the sea to find her but she could not be traced. After days of unsuccessful attempts to trace her, they sent Tom home promising him that they will continue their search and will notify him if there is any news.
After about 15 days, Tom got a call from the Captain. He said, "I am sorry, I have bad news sir. We found her body at the bottom of the sea and when we pulled her up on the deck, there was an oyster stuck to her bums. We opened it and found a big pearl inside. We estimate its value to be half a million. What do you want us to do?"
Tom replied, "Courier me the pearl. Use DHL. And send her back in as bait."
It was the founder's day at the Asian Heart institute, a reputed hospital specializing in heart diseases.
Dr. Robert Smith had been invited to be the chief guest and to deliver a speech on healthy living. During his speech, Dr Smith said, "The things that we eat can end our lives. Aerated drinks corrode our bodies, red meat is dangerous for the heart, Chinese food is full of sodium, our drinking water has bacteria, high fat foods have dangerous impacts over a period of time. However, there is one food that we have all relished and which can cause the highest level of damage. Can anyone seated here tell me what is that food which can cause anguish and misery for years after eating it.
There was silence in the audience, till the time a very old gentleman slowly raised his hand and replied, "Wedding cake."
Rita : Darling, I need $500 for shopping.
Harry (a little upset): You need brains more than money.
Rita (retorting): I can only ask you for something that you have to give!
Lawyer: “You were there when the accident occurred?”
Witness: “Yes sir, I was there.”
Lawyer: “Would you mind telling the judge which vehicles were involved in the mishap?”
Witness: “Both were state buses.”
Lawyer: “How did the accident happen?”
Witness: “They were coming from the opposite directions and crashed into each other head on.”
Lawyer: “Did you notice which bus hit first?”
Dean was dealing in furniture, especially antique furniture. And to acquire old pieces of furniture, he had to travel regularly to other cities.
On one such visit, after the day’s work, he was sitting in a bar nursing a drink, when a cute girl, probably French, walked in. The bar was crowded but there was a vacant seat next to Dean. The girl walked over and occupied the chair.
Out of common courtesy, Dean offered her a drink but she did not understand English. So Dean took a paper napkin and made a rough sketch of glass with whisky and looked at the girl lifting his eye brows questioningly. She immediately understood and nodded her consent. After a couple of rounds of drinks, Dean took another napkin and drew a picture of a man and a woman dancing and she immediately got up to dance. They had a few more drinks after that and of course, dinner.
The girl, now happy and more than satisfied, took a napkin and drew a picture of a big double bed. To this day Dean has not been able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.
Sam called his wife and said to her in a weak voice, "Hey baby, I was driving to a coffee shop to meet Mary when all of a sudden, a stray dog came in the way. I tried to steer left to avoid running it down, but the car skidded due to high speed, rolled over and almost ran off the cliff. The car was hanging nose down over the cliff, as I looked down fearing impending death. I just managed to climb out of the car and save my life, just before the car fell over the cliff crashing thousands of feet below and was blown into smithereens."
Sam continued, "I was taken to a hospital. I have a broken leg, broken jaw, dislocated shoulder and several injuries on my head."
There was silence on the phone, then the wife asked, "Who is Mary?"
Mary goes to a shrink and tells him her concerns.
She says, "Doc, I need help. I have this problem - whenever I date a nice guy, I end up sleeping with him. Later, I carry guilt that lasts for several days and I go into depression."
The shrink says, "Hmmm...from what you just told me, I understand you want me to help you strengthen your will power and resistance."
"Good lord, No!!" exclaimed Mary. "Why on earth would I want that? I want you to help me not feel guilty and depressed later."
Three friends - Bob, Joe and Mark are having beer at their regular watering hole.
Bob says to his friends, "I found plumbing tools in my wife's wardrobe. I think she is seeing a plumber."
Joe says, "I found a first-aid box in my wife's wardrobe. I think she is seeing a doctor."
Mark adds, "Wait till you hear what I have to say. I found a cowboy hiding in my wife's wardrobe. I think she is seeing a horse!"
Rehman Khan gets lost in the desert. He does not have any food on him and has already licked the last drop of water from his water-bottle two days ago. He is about to give up all hopes of survival when he hears some sounds from the distance.
He listens hard and what sounds like dogs barking, seems to get nearer and nearer.
Rehman Khan tries to lift himself from the ground to take a look at the source of the sound. He is sure he is hallucinating when suddenly, out of nowhere, an Eskimo in a fur coat appears on a sled dragged by snow dog.
He rubs his eyes and takes another look. and sure enough, there is an eskimo standing right over him. He calls out to the Eskimo in a broken voice and says, "Help!".
The Eskimo and his snow dogs surround him and Rehman manages to say weakly, "I have no idea how or why you are here, but Allah be praised. I have been roaming in the desert for days without food and water and I am totally lost."
The Eskimo,wiping the sweat from his forehead, comments, "You think YOU are lost!!!"
Good morning everyboomie.
Gymcandy joe coming to you from the Hedonism of Southeastern Oklahoma.
Here on the the Lilley farm wearing even a grass skirt means you are over dressed, and that's no banana.
I went to Lowe's & the Wonderful World of Wally this morning, then came back home and ate lunch, because morning had turned into lunch time by that then. Then I killed the afternoon with some gaming and a nap.
Goofing off is very tiring you see.
After my nap, I went out and replaced the belt on my push mower. It worked after that, which was encouraging, so I saddled up my riding mower & hopped on it and did some mowing in front of the shop, and down each side of the drive, and at the entry out by then road. Then I took the push mower out to the road to get the steeper areas of bar ditch. It was about 2 hours of mowing.
The day had turned a lot cooler by the time my nap was over, but by the time the mowing was over, I was sweating buckets, and seeing spots before my eyes. The sweat was dripping on my glasses.
Tomorrow, no more goofing off.
I ain't doin NOTHING!!!
Have a happy day all.