If you ever start to feel too good about yourself, they have this thing called the Internet, and you can find a lot of people there who don't like you.
Tina Fey, Golden Globes Acceptance Speech, 2009
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Signs Of The Times
Apartment building sign:
"No baby carriages or foreign cars allowed in the lobby."
"Lunch now being poured."
Chinese Laundry sign:
"We don't tear your clothes with clumsy machinery - we do it carefully by hand."
"You must pay for your sins. If you have already paid, you can ignore this notice."
Divorce Lawyer's door:
"Satisfaction guaranteed or your honey back."
Miss Piggy's sign:
"Never eat more than you can lift."
"County officials talk rubbish."
"Do it yourself. Then call us before it's too late."
"A cure guaranteed or your mania back."
Restaurant Diner sign:
"Everything comes to him who orders hash."
"Our tongue sandwiches speak for themselves."
Scottish Golf Course sign:
"Members will refrain from picking up lost balls until they have stopped rolling."
"Only dead fish swim with the stream."
"Pass with care - I chew tobacco."
Orthopedic Surgeon sign:
"Never accept a drink from a urologist."
"If called by a panther, don't anther."
Two nuns went out of their convent to sell cookies. One is known as Sister Mathematical and the other as Sister Logical. It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
Sister Logical: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past half-hour?
Sister Mathematical: Yes, I wonder what he wants.
Sister Logical: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
Sister Mathematical: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?
Sister Logical: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
Sister Mathematical: It's not working.
Sister Logical: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too.
Sister Mathematical: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
Sister Logical: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go the this way. He cannot follows us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then, Sister Logical arrives.
Sister Mathematical: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
Sister Logical: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.
Sister Mathematical: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
Sister Logical: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
Sister Mathematical: And?
Sister Logical: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
Sister Mathematical: Oh, dear! What did you do?
Sister Logical: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
Sister Mathematical: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
Sister Logical: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
Sister Mathematical: Oh, no! What happened then?
Sister Logical: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Love Tips By Kids
Some great tips on love and relationships by kids between the age of 5 and 10...
WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife." (Tom, 5)
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." (Mike, 9)
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." (Jim, 10)
CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE:
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorants are so popular." (Jan, 9)
ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE:
"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."
"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." (Leo, 7)
ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE:
"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8)
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me, I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7)
"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." (Christine, 9)
CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS:
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." (Dave, 8)
CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE:
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' is on television." (Anita, 6)
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." (Bobby, 8)
"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." (Regina, 10)
THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER:
"One of you should know how to write a check. Because even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." (Ava, 8)
SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU:
"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, 9)
"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually work for me." (Bart, 9)
WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU":
"The person is thinking, Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day." (michelle,9)
HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE:
"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7)
"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash." (Randy,8)
Good morning everyboomie.
It seems like forever since I had a day off, night off, and don't have to work tomorrow.
It's like the trifecta of the working world day off.
I didn't actually accomplish much yesterday, except getting a haircut, so today I'll have to make up for it by doing nothing all day.
I did take Baby out for a long walk, in the heat. The 100 degree heat.
She loved it of course.
That 100 degree range is the same forecast for at least the next 7 days.
If it's any more than that I may kill someone.........or just send my sister to live with them, and make them wish they were dead.
Have a happy day everyone.