You can either hold yourself up to the unrealistic standards of others, or ignore them and concentrate on being happy with yourself as you are.
Jeph Jacques, Questionable Content webcomic, #352, 05-04-05
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A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. "Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.
"At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - hell, even the urinal's gold!"
The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.
"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
"Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that peed in your saxophone last night!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A girl has brought her fiance home for dinner. After dinner, the fiance
and the girl's father go into the study for a man to man talk.
"So, what are you doing right now?" asks the father.
"I am a theology scholar," replies the fiance.
"Do you have any plans of employment?"
"I will study and God will provide."
"What about the children?" asks the man.
"God will provide."
"And your house and car?"
"Again, God will provide," says the fiance.
After the talk, the girl's mother asks the father, "So what did you two
talk about?"
The man replies, "He has no plans of employment, but on the other hand,
he thinks I'm God."
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A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things - chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with.
Finally, the uncle decided to give them a real treat. "Why don't you grab a gun, take my prized hunting dogs, and go have some fun shooting?" This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail.
After a few hours, the nephew returned.
"How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle.
"It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?"
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Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms--both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.
As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin--but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die. . ."
~~~~~~~~~~~
A limousine had encountered a red traffic light and was waiting for it to change when a small mini also drives up. The haughty businessman int he back of the limousine started bragging to the mini owner.
"This is the best limo that money can buy. It has ABS, airbags for all passengers, automatic climate control, onboard computer control system, photochromatic glass, mini bar, a television with satellite dish embedded in the roof, blah blah blah...."
At this point the mini owner interrupted.
"But do you have a video in there?"
The light changed just then, and the limo driver pulled off. The businessman in back felt a bit down that he didn't have this simple item, and that very day had one installed in the limo.
A few days passed, and again the limo was at a traffic light when the businessman spotted the mini. It was pulled over to a side, with the glass all steamed up, and steam coming from a half open window. Upon seeing this, the businessman got out of his car and knocked on the window of the mini. After a few moments, the mini owner poked his head out.
"I installed a VCR in my limo," said the businessman proudly.
"What!?!' the mini-man responded. "You got me out of the shower for THAT?"
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Good morning everyboomie.
I'm watching Lara Croft Tomb Raider.
Makes me wish I were a dead pharaoh..........almost.
She could raid my tomb anytime she wants.
"Walk like an Egyptian."
No rest for the wicked though, and Sunday is no different, except that it starts an hour or two later, but still pretty darned early for this day owl.
couldn't find an owl smiley sorry
If I get to bed right this minute, and asleep, I could actually get 10 hours rest.
It may not erase any of 'laugh lines', but it will help a whole bunch at making it through my work day.
I may have to take Lara to bed with me. That'll cut a few minutes off my sleep.
I'd better get going.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Sweet Lara dreams to you. 
Good Morning Joe, Ana Harolua and All on the way to Joe's. Joe I hope your work day flies by! Ana sounds like a wonderful day with your family. Haroula hope you have a relaxing day too. Coffee is ready Sue. A warm and Happy Day wished for everyone. 
