Inspiration may be a form of superconsciousness, or perhaps of subconsciousness - I wouldn't know. But I am sure it is the antithesis of self- consciousness.
Aaron Copland (1900 - 1990)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to
stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night.
She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking,
classical music, even how to invest in the stock market," said the man.
"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically,"
remarked his friend.
"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough
for me."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was this Asian lady married to an English gentleman and they lived
in London. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed
to communicate with her husband.
The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day,
she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know
how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt
to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home
with chicken legs.
The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know
how say it, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her
breast. The lady got what she wanted.
The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way
to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
(Please scroll the page down)
What were you thinking?
Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A pregnant woman is in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. asleep
for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer
pregnant.Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies,
"Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in
and named them." The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother, he's an idiot!"
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," says the doctor.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! I guess I was wrong
about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, "Denephew."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.
Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did.
Somebody got angry about this, because it was Everybody's job.
Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done!
Who?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3 men were walking home to there house one summer. They all lived right next to each other. All 3 of them had a large swimming pool. They were just getting ready to dive into the pool, when a genie popped out in front of them.
"It's your lucky day!" said the genie. "Just jump and say whatever drink you want, and the pool water will turn into it."
The first man jumped and said "Budweiser!" and he jumped into a pool of Budweiser.
The second man jumped and said "Coke!" and he jumped into a pool of Coke.
The third man jumped and said...
"Weeeeeeeee!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Who Reads the Newspapers?1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the
country.
3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the
country.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country
but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however,
like their statistics shown in pie charts.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running
the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to
leave LA to do it.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the
country and they did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure
who's running the country, and don't really care as long as they can
get a seat on the train.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's
running the country, as long as they do something really scandalous,
preferably while intoxicated.
9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure
there is a country or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is,
they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions
if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs, who
also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long as
they are Democrats.
10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another
country but need the baseball scores.
11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the
grocery store.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day,
only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying
a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a
couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate
the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money"
and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door
and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least
seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her
hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this
horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat
the remainder."
"Well," she said, "I hope you have a damned good appetite,
because my electricity was cut off this morning."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the creator of the world-famous detective Sherlock Holmes, was not above telling self- deprecating tales.
In one situation, he was waiting at a taxi stand outside the railway station in Paris. When a taxi pulled up, he placed his suitcase in the car and took a seat next to it.
"Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?" asked the taxi driver.
Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver whether he knew him by sight.
"No, sir, I have never seen you before."
The puzzled Doyle asked him how he knew he was Conan Doyle.
"This morning's paper had a story about you being on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi-stand where people who return from Marseilles always come to. Your skin color tells me you have been on vacation. The ink-spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you're a writer. Your clothing is very English, and not French. And so, I deduced that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."
Doyle remarked, "This is truly amazing. You are a real-life counterpart to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes."
"There is one other thing," the driver said.
"What is that?"
"Your name is on the front of your suitcase."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
How are y'all doing this finer diner morning?
I am doing hunky dory, but I think someone drank half of my 5 hour energy, and that was 16 hours ago.
Me thinks it's a really good thing that I don't have to be at work at 5am or 6am today.
Which reminds me that this Thursday I get off at 10, & have to be back at 6 Friday morning.
Yee Haw!
I must learn to contain my excitement. That
Yee Haw could get my circulation up.
I can't have a spike in my blood circulation stimulating my lethargic nature.
It might keep me up another 10 minutes.
It MIGHT
Might not.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
To all here and all who follow, have a Great Hump day. Danish, French Toast, and Bacon Sandwiches, in the NC. 
