If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.
Anonymous, often attributed to Dan Quayle
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Men are Like...Men are like.....Floor tile.
Lay them right the first time and you can walk on them for a lifetime.
Men are like.....Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.
Men are like.....Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like.....Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
Men are like.....Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.
Men are like.....Parking spots.
The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.
Men are like.....Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
Men are like.....Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like.....Bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
Men are like.....High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Men are like.....Curling irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.
Men are like.....Mini skirts.
If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.
Men are like.....Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The class assignment in composition was to write about something unusual
that happened during the past week.
Little Irving got up to read his. "Papa fell in the well last week - " he
began.
"Good heavens," shrieked Mrs. Kroop, the teacher. "Is he all right now?"
"He must be," said little Irving. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."
~~~~~~~~~~~
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names ...and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.
The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."
"Good morning," replied the young man -- still focused on the plaque.
"What is this?" Alex asked.
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.
"Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Little Alex's voice was trembling .. and barely audible ... when he asked, "Which service? ... the 8:30 .... or the 11:00?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jack's mother ran into the bedroom when she heard him scream and found his two-year old sister pulling his hair. She gently released the little girl's grip and said comfortingly to Jack, "There, there. She didn't mean it. She doesn't know that hurts."
She was barely out of the room when the little girl screamed. Rushing back in, she asked, "What happened?"
"She knows now," Jack replied.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A teacher is droning away in the classroom when he notices a student sleeping way up in the back row. The teacher shouts to the sleeping student's neighbor, "Hey wake that student up!"
The neighbor yells back, "You put him to sleep, you wake him up!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sidney was a 14-year-old boy with an interest in the sciences. One summer day he started his own investigations. With his 12-year-old sister Sophie in tow, he caught a large bull frog in a local pond. Sidney started his experiment with the amphibian, and told Sophie her job was to write down the results of the experiment.
Sidney drew a line in the sand, placed the frog on the line, and prodded the frog with a small twig from the rear and shouted, "Jump, frog!" The frog jumped, and Sidney measured the distance. "12 feet...write that down, Sophie," he said.
Next, he brought the frog back to the starting point and removed the frog's right front leg. Again he prodded the frog and shouted, "Jump, frog!" The frog jumped 10 feet, and on instruction, Sophie wrote it down.
Again the frog was brought back, the left front leg was removed, and again "Jump, frog!" Sidney reported, "Six feet...write it down."
The next time, Sidney removed the large right back leg. "Jump, frog!" Then, he shouted "Jump, frog!" and prodded the frog. "The frog jumped 8 inches...write it down, Sophie."
Finally, Sidney removed the frog's remaining back left leg, put it down and prodded the frog with the twig shouting, "Jump, frog! Jump, frog! JUMP FROG!! JUMP JUMP FROG!!!"
The frog didn't jump. Sophie looked at Sidney, and said, "So what should I write down?"
Sidney thought a moment, then told Sophie to write, "When you remove all the legs from a frog, it turns deaf."
~~~~~~~~~~
A three year old walked over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.
He inquisitively ask the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"
She replied, "Im having a baby."
With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"
She said, "He sure is."
Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"
She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."
With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked...
"Then why did you eat him?"
~~~~~~~
Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.
To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There`s a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.
"An ambulance just drove by."
A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are making whoopie."
Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye.
His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?"
"But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me!"
"Johnny," the father said. "You don't do those kind of things to women."
Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue.
Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"
"But Dad," Johnny said, "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms.
Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, Johnny, when I was a
child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would
stay like that.
Johnny looked up and replied, Well, Ms. Smith, you cant say you werent
warned.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
IT'S THE WEEKEND.
Fun fun fun in the sun sun sun.
We don't have any sun here, but I WILL have fun fun fun in the shade shade shade darnit!
When life gives you shade.....
..sip lemonade.
HEY! I'll have to make that my new motto.
My last one was "when in doubt, go in debt."
Lemonade is much cheaper.
Don't be afraid to sip lemonade.
Oh that's another goody.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
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witter
My battery and brake lights on the dash have already begun their winter light show and they stay on permanently. 
here but is time to clean the house. 
joe
