Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
Oscar Wilde
~~~~~~~~
Tried in a hostile town, a guy didn't think he had a chance of getting off a murder charge, so shortly before the jury retired he bribed one of the jurors to find him guilty of the lesser crime of manslaughter.
The jury was out for over three days before eventually returning a verdict of manslaughter. The relieved defendant collared the bribed juror and said: "Thanks. How ever did you manage it?"
"It wasn't easy," admitted the juror. "All the others wanted to acquit you."
~~~~~~~~~~
Two new prisoners were shown to their cell.
"How long are you in for?" asked the first.
"Eighteen years," replied the second. "How about you?"
"Twenty-five years. So since your getting out first, you'd better have the bed by the door."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.
"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times, I'll bet I could give it for you."
Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"
When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about antimatter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.
Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."
~~~~~~~~
A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Mr.Smith. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Mr. Smith asked: "What is the usual tip?"
"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great."
"Is that so?" snorted Mr. Smith. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."
"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."
"What are you studying in school?" asked Larry.
The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology."
~~~~~~
A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.
"Why do we have to learn this stuff?" The young man blurted out.
"To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture.
A few minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?"
The professor stared at the student for a long time. "Physics saves lives," he said, "because it keeps the idiots out of medical school."
~~~~~~~~~
A guy with a Doberman pinscher asks his friend who has a Chihuahua if he wants to grab a bite to eat.
The man with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go into a restaurant. We've got dogs with us."
"Just follow my lead," assures the other man.
They walk over to the restaurant and the guy with the Doberman puts on a pair of dark glasses before entering.
When he gets inside, the doorman says, "Sorry sir, no pets allowed."
To which the man replies, "It's OK, this is my seeing eye dog."
"A Doberman?" the confused host asks.
"Yes, they're using them now. They're really quite good."
The host shrugs and says, "Come on in."
Next, the guy with the Chihuahua decides to give it a try, so he puts on his sunglasses and walks in.
The host stops him immediately and says, "Sorry guy, no pets allowed."
"You don't understand. This is my seeing eye dog," the man replies.
The host says, "Oh, come on, a Chihuahua?"
At which point the man yells, "They gave me a Chihuahua?!"
~~~~~~
Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change.
Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust.
Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of singles and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile.
The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers.
Frank is outraged by his friends act of generosity.
"What on earth did you do that for?" shouts Frank., "You know hes only going to use it on drugs or booze."
Matt replies, "And we werent?"
~~~~~~~~~~
Famous Quotes"My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading."
-- Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"
-- Arnold Schwarzenegger
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
-- Tiger Woods
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
-- Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
-- Roseanne
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
-- Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
-- Robert DE Niro
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
-- Jerry Seinfeld
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
-- Rod Stewart
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a [blip], and only enough blood to run one at a time."
-- Robin Williams
~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
Gee it's quiet in the mortuary this morning.
I guess people aren't moving very fast. I know I'm not.
It takes me half the morning to work out my rigor mortis.
If you're only as old as you feel I've been dead for 80 years now. It stinks!!!
I've been feeling undead quite a bit lately though.
I think I'll get some of that
memory foam for my coffin.
I'd better get some roach spray too. It's been a bit buggy in here lately.
Have a happy day everyone, and don't let anything bug you.
joe
acebook
witter
It will be what it will be. 
I just love these guys.
Good Morning Joe, SpaceQ, Ana, Midgie, Haroula and Karen. What a busy Diner already this morning. Coffee and Hot Chocolate are ready. It's going to be warmer today. Hope everyone has a sunny day! 
Have an easy peasy day!
