The absence of alternatives clears the mind marvelously.
Henry Kissinger (1923 - )
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Really Annoy People
Here are some ways to really annoy people big time...Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip..."
If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
Speak only in a "robot" voice.
Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announcing its your property.
Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
Name your dog "Dog".
Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up".
Reply to everything someone says with "That's what YOU think!"
Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".
Forget the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".
Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
Practice making fax and modem noises.
Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and copy them to your boss.
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid looking ignorant.
Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person".
Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.
To really annoy people, stand on a street corner, pointing a hair drier at passing traffic, and watch it slow down.
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
Take a sock puppet to dinner with you. When the waiter comes to ask you what you want, consult the sock. When the check comes argue with the sock loud enough so everyone can hear you about who will pay the bill, throw him down and say "Fine you pay!" then leave.
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Real Friends
Are you tired of those asinine "friendship" poems with decent intentions, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here's a collection of promises that actually speak of true friendship.1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry so and so who made you sad.
2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile - I will know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused - I will use little words.
7. When you are sick - Stay the heck away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy butt.
Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.
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The Real Man Test1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:
A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.
2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?
A. Innocence.
B. Idealism.
C. Cherry bombs.
3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
B. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.
4. What about hugging another male?
A. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
B. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in this male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!"
C. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that:
1. He is legally within the base path,
2. Both of you are wearing protective cups, and
3. You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.
5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...
A. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
B. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
C. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.
6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.
7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She is attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy-you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers-when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?
A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.
8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her - sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?
9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
B. "They're in school already?"
C. "There are three of them?"
10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you�re not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody-and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife-is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.
11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.
12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
A. Democracy.
B. Religion.
C. Remote control.
How to Score...
Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer "C."
A real guy would score at least 10 on this test.
Give yourself a bonus 5 points for knowing the Alzheimer's joke.
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Good morning everyboomie.
Jungle Gymcandyman here.
I've got one more work day to kill and then I'll have my two days off.
I have a feeling it'll be a most wonderful day.
How did that song go?
"Look me in the eye before you buy a Winnebago" 
"HEY Winnebago!"I have great news for all Gameboomers who join the diner.
It's new free medical insurance plan................................
You know what they say, 'one a day'
My financial adviser told me that I could afford it, no problem.
Have a happy healthy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Good Morning Joe, Haroula and cailyn. Joe you make me smile. Harouls enjoy your day. Cailyn thanks for the coffee. How are you? Hoping everyone has a great day! 
Saw one accident on way home. 
Everybody looks like a lobster today from sitting in the sun at the game.
for you Sorta! 
