Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
~Groucho Marx~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3 Greeks and 3 Turks are travelling by train to a conference.
At the station, the 3 Turks each buy tickets and watch as the 3 Greeks buy only a single ticket.
"How are 3 people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one Turk.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one Greek. They all board the train.
The Turks take their respective seats but all three Greeks cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the restroom door and says, " Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on. The Turks saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Turks decide to copy the Greeks on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that).
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Greeks don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Turk. "Watch and you'll see," answers a Greek.
When they board the train the 3 Turks cram into a restroom and the 3 Greeks cram into another one nearby.
The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Greeks leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Turks are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
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There's a Greek, a Turk and a beautiful woman sitting next to each other on a train.
The train goes through a tunnel and everything gets dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a SLAP!!
The train comes out of the tunnel. The woman and the Greek sitting there looking perplexed.
The Turk is bent over holding his face which is red from an apparent slap.
The Turk is thinking "Ya Allah, that Greek must have tried to kiss this lady, she thought it was me and slapped me."
The lady is thinking, "that Turk must have moved to kiss me and kissed the Greek instead and got slapped."
The Greek was thinking to himself..."If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap that Turk again."
~~~~
A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant,
"Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer.
The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you." The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damm money is!"
The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is. The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about." The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my [blip] money is!"
The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!" The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!" The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?" The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says...go to hell... ...you don't have the guts to pull the trigger
~~~~
An Irishman, an Italian, and a Texan are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.
Then the Irishman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there's a better one.
At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"
The others agree that sounds like a nice place.
Then the Italian says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn,there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy vino glass, Vinny buys a vino glass"
Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Texan guy says, "You think that's great? Where I come from, there's this place called Raw Hide At Raw Hide, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!" Wow!" say the other two.
"That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"
"No," replies the Texan, "but it happened to my sister!"
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A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was saying to his lawyer, "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."
"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer. "Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" asked the defendant.
"Oh no!" said the lawyer. "This judge is a stickler for ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even find you in contempt of the court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked." "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them," said the lawyer.
"But I did send them," said the defendant. "What?? You did?" "Yes, That's how we won the case." "I don't understand," said the lawyer.
"It's easy. I sent the cheapest cigars that I could find to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card..."
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A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed." says the man and slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"
"But the guy was drunk." says the husband. "It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the right thing to do." So the husband out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts:
"Hey, do you still want a push??" and he hears a voice cry out
"Yeah please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts:
"Where are you?" And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing."
~~~~
After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home.
As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"
"Yes," the golfer responded.
"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?"
"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.
"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield.
The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck.
The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down.
So, what are you going to do about it?"
The golfer thought it over carefully and responded... "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."
~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to Thursday's diner.
We had huge thunderstorms last night, and it dropped a ton of rain.
Of course we didn't sleep for one to two hours. Missy was shaking and hyper-ventilating the whole time.
We are having thunderstorm warnings right now, but I don't see anything major on the radar near us.
It's been sunny, hot, and humid all day, so I'm not surprised about the storms.
I worked in the house all day exercising, doing laundry, and some repair projects.
Hopefully Thursday will be a great one here, and a great one for you all.
Have a super day everyone.
joe
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The Turks & Greeks on the train is really good Joe ... here's to hoping your Thursday is a good one!
Hopefully it will be without too many issues 
Have a Happy Thursday everyone! 