Posted By: gymcandy1
Monday Murmuring - 12/21/15 01:35 AM
The baby is great. My wife and I have just started potty training. Which I think is important because when we want to potty train the baby, we should set an example.
—Howie Mandell
```````````````````````````````
While on maneuvers in the Mojave Desert, our convoy got lost, forcing our lieutenant to radio for help.
“Are you near any landmarks that might help us locate you?” the base operator asked him.
“Yes,” said the lieutenant. “We are directly under the moon.”
```````````````````````````
During that first roll call in the Army, I waited in dread as the sergeant got to my name: DiFeliciantonio. There was bound to be trouble, and I was right, because suddenly, he fell silent—eyebrows arched, brain overloaded. After a long pause, he thundered, “The whole alphabet?!”
``````````````````````
After my three-year-old begged and begged, I gave in and let her attend a concert with her older sister and brother. As we took our seats, I handed programs to the kids. Following the lead of her siblings, my three-year-old opened her program and announced, “I’ll have the chicken.”
``````````````````````
A commercial boasted that its product could help people live pain-free in their golden years.
“Am I in my golden years?” my wife, 63, asked.
“Not at all,” I assured her. “Just mildly jaundice.”
```````````````````````````````
I’m at the library, and for some reason, when I plug my flash drive into the computer, it doesn’t show up. I keep trying, but nothing happens. As an IT major, I know I can figure this out. So I spend 15 minutes changing settings and inserting and removing the flash drive. Then a girl sitting next to me taps my shoulder and says, “You’re plugging into my computer, not yours.”
`````````````````````
When I spotted a Navy captain on the street, I saluted and bellowed, “LST 395,” which was the designation and number of the ship I served on during World War II.
The captain returned my salute and responded, “LMD 67.”
“What’s an LMD?” I asked.
“Large mahogany desk.”
```````````````````
A military base commander called to complain that the weather-forecasting software our company created for them kept reporting unexplainable wind shifts.
“Do you know where the sensor is located?” my coworker asked.
“Of course,” he responded. “It’s where we park the helicopters.”
````````````````````````
om say what?!)
Texting acronyms can stump even the best parents:
Mom: Your great-aunt just passed away. LOL.
Son: Why is that funny?
Mom: It’s not funny, David! What do you mean?
Son: Mom, LOL means Laughing Out Loud.
Mom: I thought it meant Lots of Love. I have to call everyone back.
~
Daughter: I got an A in Chemistry.
Mom: WTF!
Daughter: Mom, what do you think WTF means?
Mom: Well That’s Fantastic.
~
Mom: What do IDK, LY & TTYL mean?
Son: I don’t know, love you, talk to you later.
Mom: OK, I will ask your sister.
```````````````````````````
A long line leading to the ladies’ room greeted my friend’s wife. Since desperate times call for desperate measures, my friend took her into the empty men’s room, then stood guard. When she exited a few minutes later, a man waiting his turn called out, “I hope you remembered to put up the toilet seat.”
`````````````````````
When I bought beer at the grocery store, the clerk asked for my birthdate.
I said, “10-3-60.”
Her next question: “Is that ‘19’ 60?”
`````````````````````
The water I was heating for pasta refused to boil, and if my 12-year-old son was right, I wasn’t helping by constantly checking on it.
“It’s like that old saying,” he said. “ ‘A watched website never loads.’ ”
```````````````````````
Ah, marriage. I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring my reflection, when I posed this question to my wife of 30 years: “Will you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding?”
She answered, “I do.”
`````````````````````````
My young son ran to me, crying. “Daddy, I stubbed my toe,” he sobbed.
“Let me kiss it and make it better,” I said. “Which toe was it?”
“The one that has no roast beef.”
````````````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Here we go again. Early to bed and early to rise makes a man a good burglary suspect.
This week I work Mon and Tue, off Wed, work Thurs, off Fri.
Then I work Sat, Sun, Mon, Tue to finish out the year.
Only 11 shopping days left untill semi-retirement.
I'm semi-excited.
Now though I only have about 11 more minutes of consciousness.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
—Howie Mandell
```````````````````````````````
While on maneuvers in the Mojave Desert, our convoy got lost, forcing our lieutenant to radio for help.
“Are you near any landmarks that might help us locate you?” the base operator asked him.
“Yes,” said the lieutenant. “We are directly under the moon.”
```````````````````````````
During that first roll call in the Army, I waited in dread as the sergeant got to my name: DiFeliciantonio. There was bound to be trouble, and I was right, because suddenly, he fell silent—eyebrows arched, brain overloaded. After a long pause, he thundered, “The whole alphabet?!”
``````````````````````
After my three-year-old begged and begged, I gave in and let her attend a concert with her older sister and brother. As we took our seats, I handed programs to the kids. Following the lead of her siblings, my three-year-old opened her program and announced, “I’ll have the chicken.”
``````````````````````
A commercial boasted that its product could help people live pain-free in their golden years.
“Am I in my golden years?” my wife, 63, asked.
“Not at all,” I assured her. “Just mildly jaundice.”
```````````````````````````````
I’m at the library, and for some reason, when I plug my flash drive into the computer, it doesn’t show up. I keep trying, but nothing happens. As an IT major, I know I can figure this out. So I spend 15 minutes changing settings and inserting and removing the flash drive. Then a girl sitting next to me taps my shoulder and says, “You’re plugging into my computer, not yours.”
`````````````````````
When I spotted a Navy captain on the street, I saluted and bellowed, “LST 395,” which was the designation and number of the ship I served on during World War II.
The captain returned my salute and responded, “LMD 67.”
“What’s an LMD?” I asked.
“Large mahogany desk.”
```````````````````
A military base commander called to complain that the weather-forecasting software our company created for them kept reporting unexplainable wind shifts.
“Do you know where the sensor is located?” my coworker asked.
“Of course,” he responded. “It’s where we park the helicopters.”
````````````````````````
om say what?!)
Texting acronyms can stump even the best parents:
Mom: Your great-aunt just passed away. LOL.
Son: Why is that funny?
Mom: It’s not funny, David! What do you mean?
Son: Mom, LOL means Laughing Out Loud.
Mom: I thought it meant Lots of Love. I have to call everyone back.
~
Daughter: I got an A in Chemistry.
Mom: WTF!
Daughter: Mom, what do you think WTF means?
Mom: Well That’s Fantastic.
~
Mom: What do IDK, LY & TTYL mean?
Son: I don’t know, love you, talk to you later.
Mom: OK, I will ask your sister.
```````````````````````````
A long line leading to the ladies’ room greeted my friend’s wife. Since desperate times call for desperate measures, my friend took her into the empty men’s room, then stood guard. When she exited a few minutes later, a man waiting his turn called out, “I hope you remembered to put up the toilet seat.”
`````````````````````
When I bought beer at the grocery store, the clerk asked for my birthdate.
I said, “10-3-60.”
Her next question: “Is that ‘19’ 60?”
`````````````````````
The water I was heating for pasta refused to boil, and if my 12-year-old son was right, I wasn’t helping by constantly checking on it.
“It’s like that old saying,” he said. “ ‘A watched website never loads.’ ”
```````````````````````
Ah, marriage. I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring my reflection, when I posed this question to my wife of 30 years: “Will you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding?”
She answered, “I do.”
`````````````````````````
My young son ran to me, crying. “Daddy, I stubbed my toe,” he sobbed.
“Let me kiss it and make it better,” I said. “Which toe was it?”
“The one that has no roast beef.”
````````````````````````````
Good morning everyboomie.
Here we go again. Early to bed and early to rise makes a man a good burglary suspect.
This week I work Mon and Tue, off Wed, work Thurs, off Fri.
Then I work Sat, Sun, Mon, Tue to finish out the year.
Only 11 shopping days left untill semi-retirement.
I'm semi-excited.
Now though I only have about 11 more minutes of consciousness.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
