Magnificent Monday

Posted By: gymcandy1

Magnificent Monday - 02/20/17 02:33 AM

Inspiration is wonderful when it happens, but the writer must develop an approach for the rest of the time... The wait is simply too long.

Leonard Bernstein (1918 - 1990)



Yesterday I was at my local Walmart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Fred, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant?

On impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Walmart won't let me shop there anymore!


A blind man enters a Ladies bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender: "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says: "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind - that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 feet tall, 160 LB. blonde
woman with a black belt in Karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is
blonde and is a professional
5. The lady to your right is a blonde
and is a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and declares: "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times".

Once there was a man who every week bought a lottery ticket in the local liquor store. He really didn't expect to win until one day he jumped in joy when he found out that he won 30 million dollars. The man immidiatly ran to his car, drove home at full speed, pulled up the drive way, ran inside the house slamed the front door behind him. As soon as he saw his wife, he said "Honey, I've won the lottery so pack your bags!!!" The man's wife leaping in joy asked him; "What should I pack for?, for hiking, mountain climbing or sun bathing honey!?"

"For what ever you want, Just make sure you're out by the end of the week!!!"

Once upon a time, Hercules, Snow White and Quasimoto were talking over a
picnic lunch.

Hercules said, "You know everyone says I'm the strongest mortal on earth,
but I don't know how to prove it. That bothers me a lot."

Snow White said, "you're right! Everyone says I'm the fairest, but how can
I be sure?"

Quasimoto agrees. "Yeah, and I'm supposed to be the ugliest!"

Suddenly Snow White has an idea. "You know, guys, I've got the answer.
Let's pray about this and ask God to tell us the truth."

Hercules said, "Great. Let's meet tomorrow and tell our tales."

The next day they meet at a restaurant in town. Hercules said, "I talked
to God, and He said I'm the strongest."

Snow White said, "As did I, and I'm the truly the fairest."

Quasimoto had his head bowed, as he shamefully asked, "Who is Janet Reno?"


An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was
finally time to marry.

Before the wedding they embarked on a long conversation regarding how
their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements
and so on.

Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their
sexual relationship...

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully.

"Well, I'd have to say I like it infrequently," she responded.

The old guy paused....then he asked, "Was that one word or two?"

Giraffe and bunny meet up in the forest. Giraffe, in his usual arrogant way starts up a conversation.
"So, bunny, do you know how great it is to have such a long neck?" he asks, a faint tone of smugness in his voice.
"I'm sure I don't," replies bunny, obviously not really that interested.
"Well, to begin with, when I'm hungry and I chew my beautiful leaves, how can I describe the sensation of the leaves going down my throat....they go down and down and's one hour of sheer pleasure."
"Really, how fascinating," replies bunny, one eyebrow raised.
Oblivious to bunny's lack of enthusiasm, giraffe continues, "And when I'm thirsty, and I drink water, for a full hour it goes down....and down....and down...It's heaven on earth!"
"Amazing," comments bunny,"but just one question. Have you ever thrown up?"

Good morning everyboomie. welcome

Sometime today while my love is away,
I'll put in my teeth and I'll go out to play.
I'll give the old gals on my block a big smile,
they'll run from their yards and they'll chase me a while.
Then when I'm back home, and my love doth return,
she'll ask how my day was with loving concern.
I'll tell her I followed my Doctor's advice,
and went out for some aerobic exercise.

Another magic Monday is upon us. witch

The magic is how our weekend disappeared in a puff of smoke. eek

I think actually it was more like a bolt of lightening here. We had some overnight storms. yes

Technically it's still Sunday night, and the storms are forecast for tonight, and I don't expect to get any sleep.....again, because my Baby is very afraid of storms, but that's ok. I'll stay awake all night and cuddle her if I have to, no problem. hearts

Storms Monday morning too, and then I'll be on pins and needles waiting until Wednesday, or Thursday so I can go back out to the sod farm. happydance

Tis the season. wink

I've waited all Winter, and all else can wait for me now. razz

Have a happy day everyone.

Posted By: BrownEyedTigre

Re: Magnificent Monday - 02/20/17 03:17 AM

Good for you, Joe! I hope the rain uncovers lots of points for you!

Have a happy day all!

Ana wave
Posted By: Kaki's Sister

Re: Magnificent Monday - 02/20/17 10:30 AM

wave Good Morning Joe, Ana and everyone. Coffee and tea are ready. Enjoy your day! wave
Posted By: Haroula

Re: Magnificent Monday - 02/20/17 10:40 AM

Good morning everyone,glad to be back. happydance
I had the flu, then hubby follows then a thunder hit
near us and no phone and internet and then my laptop
charger was off for a week... hardwall
Anyway now everything its ok. joy
Have all a happy day. wavegirl
Posted By: Kaki's Sister

Re: Magnificent Monday - 02/20/17 10:46 AM

Good Morning Haroula. You've been missed. Glad to hear you are feeling better! wave
Posted By: Haroula

Re: Magnificent Monday - 02/20/17 11:15 AM

Posted By: connie

Re: Magnificent Monday - 02/20/17 01:07 PM

Good morning everyone, have a Super Monday. Thanks everyone for the hugs and prayers for Madeline. catrub Danish, BB Pancakes, Bacon Sandwiches, and Biscuits and Gravy in the NC. wavegirl
Posted By: GBC

Re: Magnificent Monday - 02/20/17 02:34 PM

Good Morning Boomers penguin

Joe, hope the storms aren't bad. May uncover more heads.

Ana, have a great day.

Haroula, welcome back. Glad you're feeling better.

Gerry, thanks for the coffee.

Connie, wishing you a good day!

Good day wishes to everyone! wavegirl
Posted By: niteowl07

Re: Magnificent Monday - 02/20/17 04:00 PM

good morning everyone ! wave

glad you're doing ok now , haroula !

thanks for coffee !

joe , did you sleep better ?

happy shopping ana !

off to get ready for the bug people - see you all later !

have a great day !

catrub wave2
Posted By: looney4labs

Re: Magnificent Monday - 02/20/17 04:10 PM

Magnificent Monday ya'll puppy

Son at work. Hanging with the g'sons!

Haroula, glad you are back.

Joe, hope you got some sleep.

Ana, is Peter back at his place now?

Gerry, wave

Connie, Biscuits and gravy is the perfect way to start this day. Thanks.

Gail, how's life?

Niteowl, anything funon the agenda after the bug people leave?
Posted By: gymcandy1

Re: Magnificent Monday - 02/20/17 04:22 PM

Good morning everybody. wave2

Welcome back Haroula. We missed you. bravo

The storms hit here at 2 am, and didn't last too long, but there was no sleeping after that. I had one dog on each side. I was the hot dog in the middle. lol

I'm dog tired now. wink

I keep telling myself I'm going to get up and run, or do exercises, but all my body wants to do is lay back down. sleep

We got quite a bit of rain. The storms only lasted 20 or 30 minutes though. It's still very overcast, but supposed to lighten up soon. yes

We're going to be low 70s to low 80s the next three days. shocked

I hope everyone has a super day.

Ana good luck with the car purchase. thumbsup

Posted By: auntiegram

Re: Magnificent Monday - 02/20/17 05:30 PM

Joe hope the short storm unearthed some nice points for you!! Thanks for the chuckles and have a lovely day!

Ana great choices!! Wishing you luck and sending the Band to help keep your old one working for you!! Have a lovely day!

Garry thanks for the tea and have a lovely day!

Haroula missed you and glad you are feeling better now and the internet is up and running now!! Have a lovely day!

Aw Connie HUGS!!! Hard thing to do. Know the feeling. Thanks for the Danish and have a lovely day!

Gail have a lovely day!

niteowl hope they get all those bugs and you have a lovely day!

L4l hope MIL is continuing to improve! HUGS! Have a lovely day!

Posted By: Sorta Blonde

Re: Magnificent Monday - 02/20/17 06:01 PM

Dry today for awhile. Sunny nice. I'm thinking about picking up MORE dead tree branches. Someone stop me! I'm still in pain from the last round. Still, gotta get it done so we can mow the yard. Where is the magic wand to just wave it all away? joy
Posted By: Space Quest Fan

Re: Magnificent Monday - 02/20/17 09:28 PM

Good afternoon everyone. wave
Posted By: looney4labs

Re: Magnificent Monday - 02/20/17 10:38 PM

Good afternoon, Space. Welcome home wavegirl
Posted By: Space Quest Fan

Re: Magnificent Monday - 02/20/17 11:14 PM

thanks looney. smile
Posted By: looney4labs

Re: Magnificent Monday - 02/21/17 03:00 AM

Okay, off to bed. Sweet dreams all sleep
Posted By: Space Quest Fan

Re: Magnificent Monday - 02/21/17 03:41 AM

Good night Boomers. sleep
Posted By: Midge

Re: Magnificent Monday - 02/21/17 04:19 AM

Time to call it a night. Sleep well everyone.

Midgie hearts wavegirl
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