Posted By: gymcandy1
Magnificent Monday - 02/20/17 02:33 AM
Inspiration is wonderful when it happens, but the writer must develop an approach for the rest of the time... The wait is simply too long.
Leonard Bernstein (1918 - 1990)
``````````````````
MY LAST TRIP TO WALMART
Yesterday I was at my local Walmart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Fred, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant?
On impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Walmart won't let me shop there anymore!
`````````````````
A blind man enters a Ladies bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender: "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says: "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind - that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 feet tall, 160 LB. blonde
woman with a black belt in Karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is
blonde and is a professional
weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is a blonde
and is a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and declares: "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Once there was a man who every week bought a lottery ticket in the local liquor store. He really didn't expect to win until one day he jumped in joy when he found out that he won 30 million dollars. The man immidiatly ran to his car, drove home at full speed, pulled up the drive way, ran inside the house slamed the front door behind him. As soon as he saw his wife, he said "Honey, I've won the lottery so pack your bags!!!" The man's wife leaping in joy asked him; "What should I pack for?, for hiking, mountain climbing or sun bathing honey!?"
"For what ever you want, Just make sure you're out by the end of the week!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Once upon a time, Hercules, Snow White and Quasimoto were talking over a
picnic lunch.
Hercules said, "You know everyone says I'm the strongest mortal on earth,
but I don't know how to prove it. That bothers me a lot."
Snow White said, "you're right! Everyone says I'm the fairest, but how can
I be sure?"
Quasimoto agrees. "Yeah, and I'm supposed to be the ugliest!"
Suddenly Snow White has an idea. "You know, guys, I've got the answer.
Let's pray about this and ask God to tell us the truth."
Hercules said, "Great. Let's meet tomorrow and tell our tales."
The next day they meet at a restaurant in town. Hercules said, "I talked
to God, and He said I'm the strongest."
Snow White said, "As did I, and I'm the truly the fairest."
Quasimoto had his head bowed, as he shamefully asked, "Who is Janet Reno?"
````````````````
An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was
finally time to marry.
Before the wedding they embarked on a long conversation regarding how
their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements
and so on.
Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their
sexual relationship...
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully.
"Well, I'd have to say I like it infrequently," she responded.
The old guy paused....then he asked, "Was that one word or two?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Giraffe and bunny meet up in the forest. Giraffe, in his usual arrogant way starts up a conversation.
"So, bunny, do you know how great it is to have such a long neck?" he asks, a faint tone of smugness in his voice.
"I'm sure I don't," replies bunny, obviously not really that interested.
"Well, to begin with, when I'm hungry and I chew my beautiful leaves, how can I describe the sensation of the leaves going down my throat....they go down and down and down....it's one hour of sheer pleasure."
"Really, how fascinating," replies bunny, one eyebrow raised.
Oblivious to bunny's lack of enthusiasm, giraffe continues, "And when I'm thirsty, and I drink water, for a full hour it goes down....and down....and down...It's heaven on earth!"
"Amazing," comments bunny,"but just one question. Have you ever thrown up?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
Sometime today while my love is away,
I'll put in my teeth and I'll go out to play.
I'll give the old gals on my block a big smile,
they'll run from their yards and they'll chase me a while.
Then when I'm back home, and my love doth return,
she'll ask how my day was with loving concern.
I'll tell her I followed my Doctor's advice,
and went out for some aerobic exercise.
Another magic Monday is upon us.
The magic is how our weekend disappeared in a puff of smoke.
I think actually it was more like a bolt of lightening here. We had some overnight storms.
Technically it's still Sunday night, and the storms are forecast for tonight, and I don't expect to get any sleep.....again, because my Baby is very afraid of storms, but that's ok. I'll stay awake all night and cuddle her if I have to, no problem.
Storms Monday morning too, and then I'll be on pins and needles waiting until Wednesday, or Thursday so I can go back out to the sod farm.
Tis the season.
I've waited all Winter, and all else can wait for me now.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Leonard Bernstein (1918 - 1990)
``````````````````
MY LAST TRIP TO WALMART
Yesterday I was at my local Walmart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Fred, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had an elephant?
On impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Walmart won't let me shop there anymore!
`````````````````
A blind man enters a Ladies bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender: "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says: "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind - that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 feet tall, 160 LB. blonde
woman with a black belt in Karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is
blonde and is a professional
weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is a blonde
and is a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and declares: "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Once there was a man who every week bought a lottery ticket in the local liquor store. He really didn't expect to win until one day he jumped in joy when he found out that he won 30 million dollars. The man immidiatly ran to his car, drove home at full speed, pulled up the drive way, ran inside the house slamed the front door behind him. As soon as he saw his wife, he said "Honey, I've won the lottery so pack your bags!!!" The man's wife leaping in joy asked him; "What should I pack for?, for hiking, mountain climbing or sun bathing honey!?"
"For what ever you want, Just make sure you're out by the end of the week!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Once upon a time, Hercules, Snow White and Quasimoto were talking over a
picnic lunch.
Hercules said, "You know everyone says I'm the strongest mortal on earth,
but I don't know how to prove it. That bothers me a lot."
Snow White said, "you're right! Everyone says I'm the fairest, but how can
I be sure?"
Quasimoto agrees. "Yeah, and I'm supposed to be the ugliest!"
Suddenly Snow White has an idea. "You know, guys, I've got the answer.
Let's pray about this and ask God to tell us the truth."
Hercules said, "Great. Let's meet tomorrow and tell our tales."
The next day they meet at a restaurant in town. Hercules said, "I talked
to God, and He said I'm the strongest."
Snow White said, "As did I, and I'm the truly the fairest."
Quasimoto had his head bowed, as he shamefully asked, "Who is Janet Reno?"
````````````````
An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was
finally time to marry.
Before the wedding they embarked on a long conversation regarding how
their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements
and so on.
Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their
sexual relationship...
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully.
"Well, I'd have to say I like it infrequently," she responded.
The old guy paused....then he asked, "Was that one word or two?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Giraffe and bunny meet up in the forest. Giraffe, in his usual arrogant way starts up a conversation.
"So, bunny, do you know how great it is to have such a long neck?" he asks, a faint tone of smugness in his voice.
"I'm sure I don't," replies bunny, obviously not really that interested.
"Well, to begin with, when I'm hungry and I chew my beautiful leaves, how can I describe the sensation of the leaves going down my throat....they go down and down and down....it's one hour of sheer pleasure."
"Really, how fascinating," replies bunny, one eyebrow raised.
Oblivious to bunny's lack of enthusiasm, giraffe continues, "And when I'm thirsty, and I drink water, for a full hour it goes down....and down....and down...It's heaven on earth!"
"Amazing," comments bunny,"but just one question. Have you ever thrown up?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
Sometime today while my love is away,
I'll put in my teeth and I'll go out to play.
I'll give the old gals on my block a big smile,
they'll run from their yards and they'll chase me a while.
Then when I'm back home, and my love doth return,
she'll ask how my day was with loving concern.
I'll tell her I followed my Doctor's advice,
and went out for some aerobic exercise.
Another magic Monday is upon us.
The magic is how our weekend disappeared in a puff of smoke.
I think actually it was more like a bolt of lightening here. We had some overnight storms.
Technically it's still Sunday night, and the storms are forecast for tonight, and I don't expect to get any sleep.....again, because my Baby is very afraid of storms, but that's ok. I'll stay awake all night and cuddle her if I have to, no problem.
Storms Monday morning too, and then I'll be on pins and needles waiting until Wednesday, or Thursday so I can go back out to the sod farm.
Tis the season.
I've waited all Winter, and all else can wait for me now.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Danish, BB Pancakes, Bacon Sandwiches, and Biscuits and Gravy in the NC. 
looney. 