Posted By: gymcandy1

Monday's - 02/26/18 02:44 AM

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.

~Mahatma Gandhi~

Q: What do cheap hotels and designer jeans have in common?

A: No ballroom.


A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says, "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses." The woman answered, "Well, I have contacts." The policeman replied, "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"


The old couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting at this same breakfast table together.' 'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird, too .' 'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.' Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat back down at the table. 'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.' 'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.'


A: "Why are you late?"
B: "There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill."
A: "That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?"
B: "No, I was standing on it."


Q: Why did the dyslexic agnostic with insomnia stay up all night? A: She was wondering if there really is a dog.


In the men's bathroom, an accountant, a lawyer, and a cowboy were standing side by side using the urinal. The accountant finished, zipped up, and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands, clear up to his elbows. He used 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan, and they taught us to be clean." The lawyer finished, zipped up, and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of California, and they taught us to be environmentally conscious." The cowboy zipped up, and as he was walking out the door, he said, "I graduated from Texas Tech University, and they taught us not to piss on our hands."


Q: You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer. Twice.


Q: How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
A: Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.


An apartment building is on fire. Firefighters are on the scene, however both their ladder and life net are broken. A star quarterback sees the commotion and asks, "What's happening? Can I help?" The fire chief says, "There's a mother and baby stuck in the building on the 19th floor! The mother is up there in the window. Can you catch her child?" The mother frantically waves down to the men below and the football player shouts up to her, "Go ahead, I'm ready!" He holds his arms out and the women drops the infant. Just when the quarterback deftly catches the child, he spikes it to the ground yelling, "TOUCHDOWN!"

That's so bad.... evil


A guy is going on an ocean cruise and he tells his doctor that he's worried about getting seasick. The doctor suggests, ''Eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock.'' The guy replies, ''Will that keep me from getting sick, Doc?'' The doctor says, "No, but it'll look really pretty in the water.''


An elderly woman went to her local doctor's office and asked to speak with her doctor. When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied, I'd like to have some birth control pills. Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Glenwood, but you're 80 years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills for?" The woman replied, "They help me sleep better." The doctor considered this for a second, and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you sleep?" The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice, and I sleep better at night."


Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one, and let the other one off.


A woman answered the doorbell with a man standing on her porch. The man said, "I'm terribly sorry. I just ran over your cat and I would like to replace it for you." The woman replied, "Well that's alright with me, but how are you at catching mice?"


A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.


A new patient was quite upset when the doctor’s nurse led him to a small, curtained cubicle and told him to undress. "But I only want the doctor to look at an ingrown toenail!" he protested. "Our rule is that everyone must undress," replied the blond nurse. "That’s a stupid rule," grumbled the patient, "making me undress just to look at my toe." "That’s nothing," growled a voice from the next cubicle. "I just came to fix the phones!"


The following is a courtroom exchange between a defense attorney and a farmer with a bodily injury claim. It came from a Houston, Texas insurance agent.

Attorney: "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?"

Farmer: "That's right."

Attorney: "Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?"

Farmer: "When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it seemed like the wise thing to say to say."


A girl says, "I'm having heart surgery today." The boy says, "I know." The girl says, "I love you!" The boy says, "I love you more, much much more!" After the surgery, when the girl woke up, only her father was next to her bed. The girl says, "Where is he?" The father responded, "You don't know who gave you the heart?" The girl says, "What???" and starts crying. The father says, "I'm just kidding, he went to the bathroom."


Good morning everyboomie. wave2

Didn't we just start the weekend? headscratch

Well Sunday was pretty gosh darn nice, and Monday is supposed to be even better. yay

Then we have two more days of serious rain chances. razz

Then I'll be looking for a nice day to try and get to the creek. hamster

I think it's had a good enough flushing to wash all the junk down into the lake. bravo

Get the point? snicker

Have a happy day everyone. rah

Posted By: soot

Re: Monday's - 02/26/18 03:44 AM

I agree Joe! The weekend did go fast shocked

It's time to get back to work yes

It'll be raining here for some days too...and that's would rather have rain than drought yes

Have a wonderful day everyone

Posted By: BrownEyedTigre

Re: Monday's - 02/26/18 04:31 AM

I am still scrambling to get through my list of things to do, Joe. I feel like I will never ever get caught up with things. But the last 3 days have been extremely productive! I'll get there!

Have a happy day Joe, soot and all. Busy full week scheduled already.

Ana wave
Posted By: venus

Re: Monday's - 02/26/18 05:40 AM

Joe, I had a 3 day weekend, and I still agree, it just started. lol

Glad you're appreciating the rain, soot. smile It's been raining a lot here as well. Hope work flies by.

Hope it's a good busy, Ana, and if not, hope it goes by quickly.

It's Sunday night, and I'm off to sleep. It's back to work again for me in the morning.

Hope everyone has a great Monday. winter
Posted By: Kaki's Sister

Re: Monday's - 02/26/18 11:18 AM

Good Morning Joe, soot, Ana, venus and everyone. Joe that much rain should expose some points for you! Soot enjoy your day. Ana even retired I still have lists of things to do! Venus hope the work week is speedy for you! Coffee, tea and hot chocolate are ready!
Wishing everyone a Happy Monday! wave
Posted By: connie

Re: Monday's - 02/26/18 12:46 PM

Good morning everyone, have a Wonderful Monday. We could use some of that rain. It's dry and Hot here. Danish, Eggs, Grits, Hash Browns, BB Pancakes, French Toast, and Bacon in the NC. wave2
Posted By: soot

Re: Monday's - 02/26/18 02:47 PM


Off to's raining off and on, so keeping the weather cool which is nice

I'll have a cuppa and Danish to go please

See you all tonight

Posted By: auntiegram

Re: Monday's - 02/26/18 04:53 PM

Team USA Curling is from here and there will be a Welcome Home time at the airport in Duluth today!!!!! What fun!!

Got to collect my snow check and had an awesome dinner with my daughter last night!!! Always a pleasure!

Have a lovely day everybody!!!

Posted By: looney4labs

Re: Monday's - 02/27/18 02:13 AM

How fun, Nan wave
Posted By: soot

Re: Monday's - 02/27/18 02:41 AM

The day was fun

But now it's done

And I earned four quarters!!

Have a wonderful evening everyone

Posted By: BrownEyedTigre

Re: Monday's - 02/27/18 04:54 AM

Nighty night..
Posted By: venus

Re: Monday's - 02/27/18 05:12 AM

Good night, everyone. sleep
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