Happy Hump Day

Posted By: gymcandy1

Happy Hump Day - 03/06/19 01:22 AM

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

—Steven Wright

Funny Stories

When my baby granddaughter LeeAnn came home from the hospital, the aunts, uncles and cousins were there to greet her.

I showed her cousin Alex the baby and told him, “This is Grandma’s girl.”
Alex replied, “You are not her grandma; she doesn’t even know you.”


I was walking along a back road when two bunnies suddenly leapt into the air and landed one on top of the other. To my astonishment, I saw that one had pushed the other onto a stout groundhog.

In disgust, he lifted his nose with a grunt and a distinct 
snarl, as if to say, “These rabbits nowadays! What do they teach their children?”
After the startled and likely embarrassed bunnies scuttled away, the groundhog stayed in the same position for a few moments before waddling off, still in a huff. I’ll never forget that woodchuck’s shocked face!


My 21/2-year-old grandson, 
Sam, brought a coloring book 
to me and said, “Read it.”

I proceeded to make up
words to go with each page. When I finished “reading,” Sam said, “I don’t think I’ve heard that story before.”


A group of our friends from church were planning a picnic, and it sounded like fun.

The only problem was that times had been a bit tight for me, as I was a single mother with four children. What did 
I have that we could contribute to the picnic?
Then a thought struck. I could make a cherry pie! A friend had given me a quart of canned cherries that would make a very nice pie filling.
So I prepared the crust, thickened the cherries, and put the pie together. When it came out of the oven, it looked so good and the aroma was wonderful.
At the picnic, my fiance, Stu, was the first to take a bite of my pie. I saw a puzzled look go across his face. Then he began to spit out cherry pits. It had not occurred to me someone would can cherries without pitting them first. How embarrassing!
Well, he married me anyway. And the cherry pie has been an inside joke for the past 48 years.

When I told my son where milk comes from, he asked, “Mama, how 
do the cows sit on those little bottles?”


On Easter one year, I got to see my 5-year-old granddaughter, Julia. I wore my best suit for 
the holiday.

Julia said, “Grandpa, you look so handsome today. Did you take a shower?”


My niece made some food for another family at church. She prayed over it, asking the kids 
if they’d like to add anything. Her 3-year-old daughter, Boston, said, “Thank you, God, that we didn’t give them all of our food.”


In the late ’50s I was ­working construction, leveling the corner of a house that we had jacked about 4 inches above the ground. One of the jacks slipped and the house came down with a loud bang.

The next thing we knew, 
the owner, who was a minister, ran out and looked up at the 
sky. “I thought the Lord was ­coming!” he told us. We all had a good laugh.


A little girl climbed up onto her grandfather’s lap and asked, “Did God make me?”

“Yes,” the grandpa replied.
“Did he make you, too?”
“Well,” the girl said, looking 
at his wrinkles and thinning hair, “he sure is doing a better job nowadays!”


My 3-year-old granddaughter, Sydney, told my husband, Ted, and me that she was going fishing with her dad. Ted asked if she was going to use worms. “No,” she said. “I’m going to use a fishing pole.”


A young man was planting some flower seeds on a sweltering day, sweating from the hot sun.

His neighbor said, “You need to wait until the sun goes down, or plant in the morning when it is coolest.”
The man said, “I can’t do that. It says on the package, ‘Plant in full sun!’ ”


My daughter Pam sent me 
this message: “Things never 
to do list. Go grocery shopping and forget you put eggs in your hoodie pocket after collecting them from the chickens, then lean against the meat counter. 
It makes a mess!”


After dinner one night, I asked my son Jimmy to fetch a broom from the back porch so I could sweep the floor. Complaining, 
he said, “But it’s dark out there. I’m afraid.”

I said to him, “It’s OK, God is with you.” Slowly Jimmy opened the porch door and said, “God, if you’re out there, would you hand me the broom?”


When weeding your garden, there’s an easy way to tell the difference between a weed and a vegetable or flower. Pull on it, and if it doesn’t come up, it’s a weed. But if it comes out easily, it’s not.


While passing by a park, my son Zach 
shouted, “Look, Mom! A tater-totter!”


I was waiting in a long security line at the airport in Orlando, Florida. People were fussing, moaning and groaning.

I heard a mom say to her son, “It won’t be too long, and you don’t even need to take your shoes off.” The boy replied, “Can we get a fast pass?”
I chuckled to myself, thinking they must have just come from Disney World.


While carrying 3-year-old Matthew up the stairs, I told him, “Just think, when you get older you can carry me up the stairs.”

He thought about this and then, with a worried look, he asked, “Will you be any smaller?”


My 3-year-old grandson, Cruise, has always been impressed with Grandpa’s mighty machines, which include a tractor, an ATV and a snowmobile. One day his mom said to him, “Let’s go to Grandma’s to use her sewing machine.” He quickly responded, “Can I ride it?”


Good morning everyboomie. wave2

Hump Day has arrived. Wow, that took a whole week! woot

I guess we're all a week closer to meeting our maker. How nice. blush

We got up into the 40s today, 50s for Hump Day, and 60s for Thursday. penguin

I messed around finishing up that bathroom today. I thought that would be the best place for me to make a mess. lol

I plan on running down to Texas and go to Sam's tomorrow. I've put it off for over two weeks. happydance

I hope you all have a fantastic Hump Day. thumbsup

Posted By: family

Re: Happy Hump Day - 03/06/19 02:27 AM

watching court shows and soap opera
Posted By: BrownEyedTigre

Re: Happy Hump Day - 03/06/19 04:07 AM

Joe, enjoy your outing tomorrow! Anything over 40 would be heaven, Joe! I would be happy with 20 right now. lol

family, enjoy your shows!

Have a great day all!

Ana wave
Posted By: venus

Re: Happy Hump Day - 03/06/19 04:26 AM

Glad you were able to finish the bathroom project, Joe. thumbsup

Enjoy your day, family.

Have a great day also, Ana. Hope you get up to at least 20 degree weather soon. grin

Gerry, sorry I missed your question the other day. The cats still aren't getting along and have to stay in separate rooms. It's okay, I'll be patient. It will happen when they're ready. grin

It's Tuesday night, and I'm off to sleep. Tomorrow is going to be my craziest day of the week, so I'm off to prepare for that. lol

Have a great Wednesday, everyone. winter
Posted By: Kaki's Sister

Re: Happy Hump Day - 03/06/19 09:56 AM

Good Morning Joe, family, Ana, venus and everyone. Joe your weather sounds wonderful! We are freezing here. Temps with wind chill are feeling like single digits! shiver Family enjoy! Ana bundle up and stay warm! Venus sorry the kitties aren't getting along yet. cat blackkitty Girl kitties often like to be "your one and only". Taintedfury enjoy your visit with your Mom. Coffee, tea, and hot chocolate are ready.
waveWishing everyone a Happy Day! wave
Posted By: connie

Re: Happy Hump Day - 03/06/19 12:12 PM

Good morning everyone, have a Wonderful Hump Day. I think to day will be a gaming day. Danish, Eggs, Hash Browns, BB Pancakes, Bacon, and Biscuits in the NC. wavegirl
Posted By: looney4labs

Re: Happy Hump Day - 03/06/19 08:23 PM

Happy Hump Day ya'll puppy

I've been in the kitchen washing cabinets. It's been awhile since I washed them top to bottom...lots of climbing up and down the kitchen stool. Always so nice to get them clean. Now that the outside is clean, I'll have to empty them and wipe out the insides. But that is not happening today.

We have bright sun and blue skies, but the house is cool. No rain which makes me happy as our yard is still soggy.

I hope you all are having a wonderful day wavegirl
Posted By: Space Quest Fan

Re: Happy Hump Day - 03/06/19 09:44 PM

It could be worse looney. I still have snow on my yard. lol
Posted By: soot

Re: Happy Hump Day - 03/06/19 11:55 PM

Woo Hoo Hoo everyone ... it's Hump Day woot

We are closing in on the weekend when most of us no longer have work at work but work at home lol

Wishing everyone a wonderful evening yes

Posted By: venus

Re: Happy Hump Day - 03/07/19 05:12 AM

Good night, everyone. sleep
Posted By: Taintedfury

Re: Happy Hump Day - 03/07/19 10:17 AM

G'Day all,

Hiya Joe sherlock it sounds like a great idea, have a safe trip and a wonderful time..

Hello Ana praise, Venus dance,Looney lab, Soot car, Spacequestfan zombie,family monky,Kaki's Sister cat and connie woot wishing you all a fantastic breaky and a great afternoon.

Happy gaming all. penguin
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