Posted By: gymcandy1

Saturdiner - 03/23/19 12:49 AM

It would be kinda embarrassing trying to explain what an appetizer is to someone from a starving country. “Yeah, the appetizer. That’s the food we eat before we have our food … No, no, you’re thinking of dessert. That’s food we eat after we have our food.”

~Jim Gaffigan~

One of my insurance customers faxed over the police report from 
an auto accident. Several weeks later, she called asking for information from that report.

“Didn’t you keep the original copy?” I asked.

“No,” she said. “I faxed it to you.”


I asked my brother-in-law, the 
father of four boys, “If you had to do it all over again, would you still have kids?”

“Yes,” he said. “Just not these four.”


Asked to pick the worst year 
ever, film director Peter Segal chose 1848, “the year gold was discovered at Sutter’s Mill. Until then, you could find a nice piece of land in California, pitch your tent, and call it home. 
The housing market here has been 
a living hell ever since.”


I was nine months pregnant and browsing at a garage sale when the homeowner asked me if I knew whether I was having a boy or a girl. 
I told her I didn’t.
As I left a few minutes later, she yelled after me, “I hope you get the sex you want!”


When I announced that I was getting married, my excited mother said, “You have to have the rehearsal dinner someplace opulent, where there’s dancing.”

My father, seeing where this was heading, said, “I’ll pay you a thousand dollars to elope.”

“And you have to have a breakfast, for the people who are coming from out of town.”

“Two thousand.”

“We’ll need a photographer. Oh, and what colors do you want for the reception?”

“Five thousand!”

We eloped to Spain.


Here is the best-ever backhanded compliment from a kid about a present: “Dear Genie, thanks for the toy. I’ll play with it when I’m bored.”


My young son declared, “When 
I grow up, I’m going to marry you, Mommy.”

“You can’t marry your own mother,” said his older sister.

“Then I’ll marry you.”

“You can’t marry me either.”

He looked confused, so I explained, “You can’t marry someone in your own family.”

“You mean I have to marry a total stranger?!” he cried.


One spring day I was taking the roll in my secretarial class at our local technical college. One of the sun worshipers was absent. “Cindy won’t be here this afternoon?” I asked.

“She went home to lay in the sun,” a young woman in the front row answered.

Trying to correct her grammar without embarrassing her before the class, I whispered, “Lie.”

“Okay,” she replied in astonishment. “Cindy got sick and went home.”
Contributed by


Every Easter our church stages an elaborate pageant. Last year the man who played Pontius Pilate had to work on the night of the dress rehearsal, and a chorus member substituted for him.

As we began rehearsing Pilate’s solo, the conductor stopped the orchestra. “Pilate, I don’t hear you,” he called out. “You’re not loud enough.”

“Pilate is at work,” a voice on the stage shouted back. “We’ve got our co-Pilate tonight.”


I had spent the late winter months waiting impatiently for signs of spring. When the first warm, sunny Saturday arrived, I eagerly unlocked the storm door and stepped onto our patio deck. I was pleased by the sight of green sprouts and the sounds of singing birds. More than anything else, I delighted in the sweet aroma of the spring air.

Knocking on the kitchen window, I beckoned to my wife to join me in enjoying the pleasures of the season. She quietly brought me back to earth when she reminded me that I was standing over the dryer vent, inhaling the scent of fabric softener.


My father was completely lost in the kitchen and never ate unless someone prepared a meal for him. When Mother was ill, however, he volunteered to go to the supermarket for her. She sent him off with a carefully numbered list of seven items.

Dad returned shortly, very proud of himself, and proceeded to unpack the grocery bags. He had one bag of sugar, two dozen eggs, three hams, four boxes of detergent, five boxes of crackers, six eggplants, and seven green peppers.


On the day I received my learner’s permit, my father agreed to take me out for a driving lesson. With a big grin, he hopped in behind the driver’s seat. “Why aren’t you sitting up front on the passenger’s side?” I asked.

“Kirsten, I’ve been waiting for this ever since you were a little girl,” Dad replied. “Now it’s my turn to sit back here and kick the seat.”


While flying from Denver to Kansas City, Kansas, my mother was sitting across the aisle from a woman and her eight-year-old son. Mom couldn’t help laughing as they neared their destination and she heard the mother say to the boy, “Now remember — run to Dad first, then the dog.”


My husband’s cousin married a former Marine who now works for United Parcel Service. They bought their four-year-old son two stuffed bears — one in a UPS uniform and the other in Marine garb. When the boy seemed confused, his father brought out a picture of himself in full Marine dress. “See, Connor?” he explained, pointing to the photo and then to the bear. “That’s Daddy.”

Connor’s eyes went from one to the other, and then he asked in a puzzled voice, “You used to be a bear?”


Father’s Day was near when I brought my three-year-old son, Tyler, to the card store. Inside, I showed him the cards for dads and told him to pick one.

When I looked back, Tyler was picking up one card after another, opening them up and quickly shoving them back into slots, every which way. “Tyler, what are you doing?” I asked.

“Haven’t you found a nice card for Daddy yet?”

“No,” he replied. “I’m looking for one with money in it.”


I decided to make myself useful and do a load of the family laundry. When I took the clothes out of the machine, I discovered — to my dismay — that I had also washed the watch my wife had given me while we were dating. “Don’t expect me to replace it,” she said later with an obvious lack of sympathy. By the time Father’s Day rolled around, however, she had relented and gave me a beautiful new watch. Attached was a note with this stipulation: “DRY-CLEAN ONLY!”


Good morning everyboomie. wave2

Welcome too the weekend! joy

I had a great day. Got a lot done, but running kind of late this evening, as you can see. razz

We're supposed to be getting some rain tomorrow, and I'm expecting Beau to be delivered for a visit. woot

Hope you all have a happy day,and a great weekend. yay

Posted By: soot

Re: Saturdiner - 03/23/19 02:13 AM

Woo Hoo Hoo Joe ... it'll be good to see Beau I'm sure for sure!! yes

Ah...the weekend has arrived and it's time for some time off

...along with weekend chores and projects lol

Ana, I hope process speeds up for you luck

Glad you're on the mend TaintedFurly...have a super afternoon

How about a French Roast this morning Gerry to go with the Danish from Connie thanks
L4L hearts
SQF...wishing you and the rest of the gang a Super Weekend too wave2
Posted By: family

Re: Saturdiner - 03/23/19 02:44 AM

Posted By: BrownEyedTigre

Re: Saturdiner - 03/23/19 03:38 AM

Joe, you are going to run out of stuff to do at this pace! Enjoy Beau!

soot, with only so many hours in a day my computer is slowly returning to normal. Retrieving my old mail with all my links and keys to software I need is the next important step!

Family, I'm sure you will find something fun to do!

cleaning house and trying to finish my computer updates and playing with the pups! My boarder is such a love, Nugget is having a blast with him!

Have a happy day all!

Ana wave
Posted By: Kaki's Sister

Re: Saturdiner - 03/23/19 08:32 AM

Good Morning Joe, soot, family, Ana and everyone. It is cold and windy here. Temp is only 29 degrees. Have some errands and weekly grocery shopping to do for my neighbor this morning. She isn't able to do it for herself so Bill and I do her groceries for her every week. Joe enjoy your visit with Beau. Soot I just made some dark French roast and there is a cup for you too! Family how about a lovely walk today? Ana sounds like you've got a handle on things. Coffee, tea and hot chocolate are ready. wave Have a wonderful Day everyone! wave
Posted By: connie

Re: Saturdiner - 03/23/19 11:42 AM

Good morning everyone have a Lovely Saturday. Shopping is on the agenda for today, maybe a trip to the flea market. Danish, Eggs, Hash Browns, BB Pancakes, Bacon, and Biscuits in the NC. kitty
Posted By: Taintedfury

Re: Saturdiner - 03/23/19 02:00 PM

Good Morning Joe sherlock have a great weekend - Missy will be happy to see Beau.... lab

Hiya Kaki's Sister wavegirl good luck with the errands hope they go smooth for you.. thumbsup

Good Morning connie dragon wishing you a yummy breaky..

G'day Soot thanks...have a super time off...

Ana joy may your cleaning and updates go fast so you can have a well deserved break.. happydance

family happy weekend... spring

Happy gaming all
Posted By: looney4labs

Re: Saturdiner - 03/23/19 04:18 PM

Super Saturday ya'll puppy

G'sons left for the beach this morning with the other g'mother. Hubby is out running errands and I'm starting to dig into taxes. I can't tell you how much I look forward to doing this every year rotfl

Have a great day ya'll puppy
Posted By: Space Quest Fan

Re: Saturdiner - 03/24/19 12:59 AM

Good night Boomers.
Posted By: BrownEyedTigre

Re: Saturdiner - 03/24/19 04:01 AM

Nighty night..
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