Posted By: gymcandy1
T*G*I*F - 04/04/19 11:05 PM
Why does moisture destroy leather? When it’s raining, cows don’t go up to the farmhouse yelling, “Let us in! We’re all wearing leather! We’re going to ruin the whole outfit here!”
~Jerry Seinfeld~
````````````````````````
I just got a GPS for my car, and my first trip with it was to a drugstore. Since the manual said not to leave it in the car unattended, I brought it with me into the store. While there, the GPS came alive, and a voice stated, “Lost satellite contact.”
I wasn’t embarrassed until a woman turned to me and said, “Your ankle bracelet monitor is talking to you.”
````
Two American tourists are driving through Wales. They decide to stop for a bite to eat in the village of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogo-
gogoch.*
Baffled by the name, one of them turns to a local and asks, “Would you please say where we are—very slowly?”
The Welshman leans over and says, very slowly, “Burrr-gerrr Kinngg.”
*We kid you not! The 3,000 people in this community on the island of Anglesey must spend hours writing their return address.
````
Conversation at our business lunch turned to illegal immigration. “I read an article that said 60 percent of Americans are immigrants,” commented one of my colleagues. “That can’t be true,” another said.
“No,” agreed a Native American co-worker. “There’s a lot more of you than that.”
````
I took a real estate client to a handyman special. The place was great, and we couldn’t understand why it was so cheap, until we turned on the water main and water gushed from the ceiling. Dripping wet, my client put a positive spin on the showing: “Nice house,” he said. “It’s even self-cleaning.”
````
Halfway between New York City and Washington, D.C., the train’s engine fell silent.
“I’ve got good news and bad news,” the conductor announced. “The bad news is we lost power.” My fellow passengers groaned.
“The good news,” he added, “is we weren’t cruising at 30,000 feet.”
````
Fresh from a visit to the dentist, I decided to stop at my bank. Barely able to enunciate, I told the teller, “I’m sorry about not speaking more clearly. I’ve had Novocaine.”
“You should have used the drive-through,” she said.
“Why?”
“Everyone who goes through sounds like that,” she explained.
````
One Saturday night my boss and her family came to our house to play cards. As they were driving away at the end of the evening, I discovered that she had left her purse in a corner next to the dining-room hutch. I was about to call her house, intending to leave a message on the answering machine, when my son reminded me that they had a cell phone.
As I dialed the number, I marveled at the technology that would alert them before they had driven all the way home. A few seconds later the purse began to ring.
````
Even though my Ecuadoran son-in-law is fluent in English, he translates some figures of speech too literally. When I commented that he and my daughter are about the same age, but she looks much younger, he agreed.
“Yeah,” he said. “Some people think I stole the crib.”
````
An aching back sent me stumbling to the drugstore for relief. After a search I found what I was looking for: a selection of heating pads specifically for people with back pain—all on the bottom shelf.
````
My wife and I were having lunch at a fashionable eatery in Annapolis when we noticed what looked like a familiar face at the next table. Screwing up my courage, I asked, “Excuse me. Aren’t you Marlin Fitzwater, the former White House press secretary?”
“Yes, I am,” he acknowledged, and graciously interrupted his lunch to talk to us.
As we were leaving the restaurant, I remarked to the hostess, “Do you know you have Marlin Fitzwater on the terrace?”
“I’m not sure about that,” she replied, “but we have Perrier and Evian at the bar.”
````
A friend of ours was puzzled with the odd messages left on his answering machine. Day after day friends and family would talk and then say, “Beep.” He discovered the reason for the joke when he decided to listen to his greeting.
“Hi,” it said. “I’m not in right now, so please leave a beep after the message.”
````
My friend John and I, determined to see the world, signed on a Norwegian freighter as deckhands. We were being trained as helmsmen, and John’s first lesson was given by the mate, a seasoned but gentle white-haired seafarer. John was holding the heading he had been given, when the mate ordered, “Come starboard.”
Pleased at knowing immediately which way starboard was, John left the helm and walked over to his instructor.
The mate had an incredulous look on his face as the helm swung freely, but he merely asked politely, “Could you bring the ship with you?”
````
While rummaging through her attic, my friend Kathryn found an old shotgun. Unsure about how to dispose of it, she called her parents. “Take it to the police station,” her mother suggested.
My friend was about to hang up when her mother added, “And Kathryn?”
“Yes, Mom?”
“Call first.”
````
Good morning everyboomie.
It is FRIDAY!!!!
I think we're back to abundant sunshine, after Thursday's gloom.
I woke up Thursday at 5:00 to a thunderstorm. Most of it went North of us, so it was more thunder than storm. I think we got about 5 minutes of rain.
Missy didn't care for any of it.
I didn't do anything until about 2:30 because it was cloudy and misty.
I finally went out and painted the trim around my storage shed twice.
Friday after I get back from Sam's I'll try and finish painting the building itself.
We're supposed to have rain again Saturday.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
~Jerry Seinfeld~
````````````````````````
I just got a GPS for my car, and my first trip with it was to a drugstore. Since the manual said not to leave it in the car unattended, I brought it with me into the store. While there, the GPS came alive, and a voice stated, “Lost satellite contact.”
I wasn’t embarrassed until a woman turned to me and said, “Your ankle bracelet monitor is talking to you.”
````
Two American tourists are driving through Wales. They decide to stop for a bite to eat in the village of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogo-
gogoch.*
Baffled by the name, one of them turns to a local and asks, “Would you please say where we are—very slowly?”
The Welshman leans over and says, very slowly, “Burrr-gerrr Kinngg.”
*We kid you not! The 3,000 people in this community on the island of Anglesey must spend hours writing their return address.
````
Conversation at our business lunch turned to illegal immigration. “I read an article that said 60 percent of Americans are immigrants,” commented one of my colleagues. “That can’t be true,” another said.
“No,” agreed a Native American co-worker. “There’s a lot more of you than that.”
````
I took a real estate client to a handyman special. The place was great, and we couldn’t understand why it was so cheap, until we turned on the water main and water gushed from the ceiling. Dripping wet, my client put a positive spin on the showing: “Nice house,” he said. “It’s even self-cleaning.”
````
Halfway between New York City and Washington, D.C., the train’s engine fell silent.
“I’ve got good news and bad news,” the conductor announced. “The bad news is we lost power.” My fellow passengers groaned.
“The good news,” he added, “is we weren’t cruising at 30,000 feet.”
````
Fresh from a visit to the dentist, I decided to stop at my bank. Barely able to enunciate, I told the teller, “I’m sorry about not speaking more clearly. I’ve had Novocaine.”
“You should have used the drive-through,” she said.
“Why?”
“Everyone who goes through sounds like that,” she explained.
````
One Saturday night my boss and her family came to our house to play cards. As they were driving away at the end of the evening, I discovered that she had left her purse in a corner next to the dining-room hutch. I was about to call her house, intending to leave a message on the answering machine, when my son reminded me that they had a cell phone.
As I dialed the number, I marveled at the technology that would alert them before they had driven all the way home. A few seconds later the purse began to ring.
````
Even though my Ecuadoran son-in-law is fluent in English, he translates some figures of speech too literally. When I commented that he and my daughter are about the same age, but she looks much younger, he agreed.
“Yeah,” he said. “Some people think I stole the crib.”
````
An aching back sent me stumbling to the drugstore for relief. After a search I found what I was looking for: a selection of heating pads specifically for people with back pain—all on the bottom shelf.
````
My wife and I were having lunch at a fashionable eatery in Annapolis when we noticed what looked like a familiar face at the next table. Screwing up my courage, I asked, “Excuse me. Aren’t you Marlin Fitzwater, the former White House press secretary?”
“Yes, I am,” he acknowledged, and graciously interrupted his lunch to talk to us.
As we were leaving the restaurant, I remarked to the hostess, “Do you know you have Marlin Fitzwater on the terrace?”
“I’m not sure about that,” she replied, “but we have Perrier and Evian at the bar.”
````
A friend of ours was puzzled with the odd messages left on his answering machine. Day after day friends and family would talk and then say, “Beep.” He discovered the reason for the joke when he decided to listen to his greeting.
“Hi,” it said. “I’m not in right now, so please leave a beep after the message.”
````
My friend John and I, determined to see the world, signed on a Norwegian freighter as deckhands. We were being trained as helmsmen, and John’s first lesson was given by the mate, a seasoned but gentle white-haired seafarer. John was holding the heading he had been given, when the mate ordered, “Come starboard.”
Pleased at knowing immediately which way starboard was, John left the helm and walked over to his instructor.
The mate had an incredulous look on his face as the helm swung freely, but he merely asked politely, “Could you bring the ship with you?”
````
While rummaging through her attic, my friend Kathryn found an old shotgun. Unsure about how to dispose of it, she called her parents. “Take it to the police station,” her mother suggested.
My friend was about to hang up when her mother added, “And Kathryn?”
“Yes, Mom?”
“Call first.”
````
Good morning everyboomie.
It is FRIDAY!!!!
I think we're back to abundant sunshine, after Thursday's gloom.
I woke up Thursday at 5:00 to a thunderstorm. Most of it went North of us, so it was more thunder than storm. I think we got about 5 minutes of rain.
Missy didn't care for any of it.
I didn't do anything until about 2:30 because it was cloudy and misty.
I finally went out and painted the trim around my storage shed twice.
Friday after I get back from Sam's I'll try and finish painting the building itself.
We're supposed to have rain again Saturday.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
Hope you can get everything done that you'd like.
Have a great Friday! 
