GB HOMEPAGE

Joe's August 16th

Posted By: gymcandy1

Joe's August 16th - 08/16/20 10:23 PM

I tell ya, my dog is lazy. He don't chase cars. He sits on the curb and takes down license plate numbers.

Rodney Dangerfield~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


According to a news story, if global warming continues, in 20 years the only chance we'll have to see a polar bear is in a zoo. So in other words, nothing is going to change.
~~

When I overheard one of my cashiers tell a customer, "We haven't had it for a while, and I doubt we'll be getting it soon," I quickly assured the customer that we would have whatever it was she wanted by next week. After she left, I read the cashier the riot act.

"Never tell the customer that we're out of anything. Tell them we'll have it next week," I instructed her. "Now, what did she want?"

"Rain."
~~

Our family took shelter in the basement after hearing a tornado warning. My husband told everyone to stay put while he got his cell phone out of the car, in case the lines went dead.

He didn't return for the longest time, so I went looking for him. I was upstairs calling his name, when I heard our phone machine click on.

"Hi," a voice said. "This is Dad. I'm locked out of the house."
~~

Q: Who invented copper wire?
A: Two tax attorneys fighting over a penny.
~~

I was a brand-new attorney in practice alone, and I had a likewise inexperienced secretary fresh out of high school. The importance of proofreading the results of my dictation was highlighted one day when a reminder to a client's tenant to pay her rent or suffer eviction was transcribed as follows:

"You are hereby notified that if payment is not received within five business days, I will have no choice but to commence execution proceedings."
~~

I was once a legal secretary to a young law clerk who passed the bar exam on his third try. This fledgling attorney worked hard on his initial pleading, which should have read "Attorney at Law" at the top of the first page.

After I submitted the finished document for his review and signature, I was embarrassed when he pointed out a critical typing error. "Must you rub it in?" he asked.

I had typed: "Attorney at Last."
~~

As a potential juror in an assault-and-battery case, I was sitting in a courtroom, answering questions from both sides. The assistant district attorney asked such questions as: Had I ever been mugged? Did I know the victim or the defendant?

The defense attorney took a different approach, however. "I see you are a teacher," he said. "What do you teach?"

"English and theater," I responded.

"Then I guess I better watch my grammar," the defense attorney quipped.

"No," I shot back. "You better watch your acting."

When the laughter in the courtroom died down, I was excused from the case.
~~

As a judge, I was sentencing criminal defendants when I saw a vaguely familiar face. I reviewed his record and found that the man was a career criminal, except for a five-year period in which there were no convictions.

"Milton," I asked, puzzled, "how is it you were able to stay out of trouble for those five years?"

"I was in prison," he answered. "You should know that—you were the one who sent me there."

"That's not possible," I said. "I wasn't even a judge then."

"No, you weren't the judge," the defendant countered, smiling mischievously. "You were my lawyer."
~~

The judge had not yet put in an appearance in the San Diego traffic court. When the bailiff entered the courtroom, he sensed the nervousness of the traffic offenders awaiting their ordeal.

"Good morning, ladies and gentlemen," he said. "Welcome to 'What's My Fine?' "
~~

Sidewalks were treacherous after a heavy snowstorm blanketed the University of Idaho campus. Watching people slip and slide, I gingerly made my way to class.

Suddenly I found myself on a clean, snow-free section of walkway. This is weird, I thought— until I noticed that it was directly in front of the College of Law building.
!~~

A young man I know, who recently became law clerk to a prominent New Jersey judge, was asked to prepare a suggested opinion in an important case. After working on the assignment for some time, he proudly handed in a 23-page document.

When he got it back, he found a terse comment in the judge's handwriting on page 7: "Stop romancing—propose already."
~~

n Fort Worth, Texas, I was hauled before the judge for driving with expired license plates. The judge listened attentively while I gave him a long, plausible explanation.

Then he said with great courtesy, "My dear sir, we are not blaming you—we're just fining you."
~~

I am a deputy sheriff assigned to courthouse security. As part of my job, I explain court procedures to visitors. One day I was showing a group of ninth-graders around. Court was in recess and only the clerk and a young man in custody wearing handcuffs were in the courtroom. "This is where the judge sits," I began, pointing to the bench. "The lawyers sit at these tables. The court clerk sits over there. The court recorder, or stenographer, sits over here. Near the judge is the witness stand and over there is where the jury sits. As you can see," I finished, "there are a lot of people involved in making this system work."

At that point, the prisoner raised his cuffed hands and said, "Yeah, but I'm the one who makes it all happen."
~~

While prosecuting a robbery case, I conducted an interview with the arresting officer. My first question: "Did you see the defendant at the scene?"

"Yes, from a block away," the officer answered.

"Was the area well lit?"

"No. It was pretty dark."

"Then how could you identify the defendant?" I asked, concerned.

Looking at me as if I were nuts, he answered, "I'd recognize my cousin anywhere."
~~

Arrested on a robbery charge, our law firm's client denied the allegations. So when the victim pointed him out in a lineup as one of four men who had attacked him, our client reacted vociferously.

"He's lying!" he yelled. "There were only three of us."
~~

Hello everyboomie. welcome


I hope all is well with all Boomers out there this evening. yes


Things are copacetic here. We hit 103 degrees today, and now have thunderstorms heading our way to cool it back down a bit. penguin


Tomorrow is supposed to be only 93 degrees. Brrrrr! razz


I don't have a lot to do this week until Thursday. My light fixture in the kitchen started to strobe, and I can't fix it so I have ordered new fixtures for the kitchen and laundry room. They'll be here Thursday. bravo


Here's a whole weeks' worth of new jokes for you to enjoy. thumbsup


Stay safe everyone and have a great week. hamster


joe
Posted By: family

Re: Joe's August 16th - 08/16/20 11:44 PM

watching court shows.
Posted By: BrownEyedTigre

Re: Joe's August 16th - 08/17/20 02:57 AM

Thanks for the new week, Joe! Another busy one for me, but better than the alternative!

Have a great one!
Posted By: connie

Re: Joe's August 16th - 08/17/20 01:16 PM

Good morning, enjoy the new week. Meeting at the Eagles tonight. Danish, Eggs, Grits, Hash Browns, Bacon, Sausage, and Toast in the NC. summer
Posted By: looney4labs

Re: Joe's August 16th - 08/17/20 02:33 PM

Magnificent Monday ya'll puppy

Back from a nice stroll through the neighborhood. If you get out there early enough, there is an entire street that is fully shaded happydance

Now it's time to sit and sip for a bit.

Thanks for the entertainment Joe.

Enjoy your shows, family

Ana, you are always busy, just like my sister.

Connie, I'm grabbing hashbrowns and bacon. Thanks

wavegirl
Posted By: soot

Re: Joe's August 16th - 08/17/20 03:47 PM

Whoosh ...

Joe, glad temps are down for you ... we've been hitting the low 70's in the wee hours of the morning happydance

Family, enjoy your shows

Ana ... busy week's keep you out of trouble (and trees!) SOOT

Connie, stay safe at the meeting tonight ... I'll grab a Danish to go please with a tall dark roast cup of Gerry's coffee

TaintedFury, hope your Monday was kind to you ... sleep good
L4L hearts
Have a delightful day Joe Ana TaintedFury Family SpaceQuestFan Gerry Connie L4L manXman ButterFlyBabe Trail_Mystic Mary and anyone else who pops in to say hi wave2
lab
Posted By: family

Re: Joe's August 16th - 08/18/20 12:40 AM

watching court shows.
Posted By: connie

Re: Joe's August 16th - 08/18/20 12:34 PM

Good morning, enjoy the day. Danish, Eggs, Grits, Hash Browns, Bacon, Sausage, and Toast in the NC. summer
Posted By: family

Re: Joe's August 16th - 08/19/20 01:43 AM

watching court shows.
Posted By: BrownEyedTigre

Re: Joe's August 16th - 08/19/20 01:46 AM

Hey all! It's a real challenging week so far. I could use some prayers for my BIL. He was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic and liver cancer yesterday. It was a complete and total shock to us all.
Posted By: soot

Re: Joe's August 16th - 08/19/20 01:47 AM

Thanks Connie ... the Danish got me to work this morning ... hope you enjoyed your day too!

Hey Ho Family ... hope you enjoyed your shows think

Good day today, all around, at work and home at telework, a little bit of everything thumbsup

Hope everyone gets a good night's sleep while TaintedFury enjoy's her Camel Day!!
sleep good all sleep
Posted By: Taintedfury

Re: Joe's August 16th - 08/19/20 08:52 AM

Hi Ana wavegirlSending you positive prayers for Bill angel, My uncle just beat stage 4 stomach cancer so I know what your all going through...I truly hope Bill beats it. luck
May the rest of the week bring You & your family better news summer...take care You & Bill..ps nugget to. puppy


G'day Soot carYes thankyou I did and good news the part came in today so as soon as the weather permits hubby will be back out there to finish the digging drains in the back...Ps May you get a great nights sleep to.. sleep


Hiya Joe sherlock Super day to you and thanking you for the laughs - terrific as always. Sounds good you'll get your light fixtures on Thursday....we all are doing renovations... urock

Hi Looney lab Good idea about going early to go for your run...much cooler that way.. woot

Fantastic day to you connie burgerand family wavegirl - Beautiful day to you both.... wave2
Posted By: soot

Re: Joe's August 16th - 08/19/20 12:52 PM

G'day TaintedFury ... it will be nice when the drain project is completed ... husband still has time to beat your wet season! luck

Family, enjoy your shows

Connie, any errands today? I'll have a Danish to go thanks

Ana, try to make time to come up for air occasionally to rest ... you have such a neat job ... keeping BIL in my prayers

Joe, kick back and relax, Thursday will get here soon enough and then you can shed some light on the subject wink
L4L hearts

Have a great Camel Day Joe Ana TaintedFury Family SpaceQuestFan Gerry Connie L4L manXman ButterFlyBabe Trail_Mystic Mary and anyone else who pops in to say hi wave2
lab
Posted By: connie

Re: Joe's August 16th - 08/19/20 01:28 PM

Good morning, enjoy the day. Ana, prayers and positive thoughts for your BIL and the family. Still babying the foot, but getting around better. Danish, Eggs, Grits, Hash Browns, Bacon, Sausage, and Toast in the NC. summer
Posted By: family

Re: Joe's August 16th - 08/19/20 11:16 PM

watching court shows.
Posted By: connie

Re: Joe's August 16th - 08/20/20 12:25 PM

Good morning, have a Super day. Danish, Eggs, Grits, Hash Browns, Bacon, Sausage, and Toast in the NC. summer
Posted By: looney4labs

Re: Joe's August 16th - 08/20/20 02:51 PM

Home from a great run in the much cooler weather!

Ana, so sorry to hear about your BIL. Prayers going up! Gentle hugs
Posted By: butterflybabe

Re: Joe's August 16th - 08/20/20 04:21 PM

BET, many good thoughts your way. Wishing the best. lab

Glad the weather's cooling off a bit. Still too humid for me most of the time. Turn AC off in morning and open window to let in nice 60 deg breeze. AC back on by 10 as temps start to climb.

My dog makes me laugh. He'll be sound asleep. Then play day person comes to pick him up. They gave a key. Minute the lock moves, he's up like a flash and howling. The sudden change in his demeanor from dream world to wide awake full energy just tickles my funny bone. rolleyes
Posted By: gymcandy1

Re: Joe's August 16th - 08/20/20 04:57 PM

Hello everybody. wave2

I can't believe it's Thursday already, can you? shocked

I took Missy parking this morning after my breakfast and coffee. Then I mowed the lawn because, WOW, it's been cooler. penguin

Soot we are dropping down into the 60s at night too, which makes the mornings nice for getting out and doing stuff. yes

Ana I'm so sorry to hear about your BIL. Sending prayers for him and his family. frown

Connie as always thank you for taking your time to provide the nourishment we need every day without fail. hearts

Taintedfury, thank you! I hope your renovations are going well, and you have a great weekend. wink

L4L I'm glad you're having cooler temps for your runs. yay

Family enjoy your shows, and whatever else you have on your schedule. wink

Butterflybabe Missy does that too. She will be sleeping on the couch, and when I get up she'll jump up like she's ready to go. puppy

Have a super day Ana TaintedFury Family SpaceQuestFan Gerry Connie L4L Soot manXman ButterFlyBabe Trail_Mystic Mary and everyone. woot


joe
Posted By: soot

Re: Joe's August 16th - 08/20/20 06:51 PM

Hello Joe ButterFlyBabe L4L Connie and Family laugh

woot Joe, those are "very nice" cool morning temps ... I can't wait until we get back to that range ... and even cut the grass!!

Ana, keeping BIL in my prayers ... take time when you can to just relax.

ButterFB ... yes indeed it's amazing how quick a dog can go from sleep to 65 MPH!!

Connie, hope you have a good day, I'll have grits and bacon in the NC

Family, enjoy your shows

Just wanted to pop in to say hello wave2
L4L hearts

Have a delightful day Joe Ana TaintedFury Family SpaceQuestFan Gerry Connie L4L manXman ButterFlyBabe Trail_Mystic Mary and anyone else who pops in to say hi wave2
lab
Posted By: family

Re: Joe's August 16th - 08/20/20 11:01 PM

watching court shows.
Posted By: Taintedfury

Re: Joe's August 16th - 08/21/20 08:47 AM

Good Morning Joe sherlock, Soot blackkitty, Ana puppy, family dragon, connie tomato, Butterflybabe summer& Looney lab Happy gaming all & a fabulous Thursday. penguin


G'day Soot car We'll be so relieved once it's done, hopefully we'll still be able to beat it..cross fingers! Terrific day to You & your family. wave2

Hiya Joe sherlockMuch appreciated - Mother nature is playing games with us when it comes to the backyard hehe , May you have a super Thursday & Fantastic weekend. wave2


Be safe, cool/warm & healthy penguin
Posted By: connie

Re: Joe's August 16th - 08/21/20 12:41 PM

Good morning, have a Wonderful day. Danish, Eggs, Grits, Hash Browns, Bacon, Sausage, and Toast in the NC. summer
Posted By: soot

Re: Joe's August 16th - 08/21/20 03:55 PM

Good morning Connie, TaintedFury and Family laugh

Connie ... I grabbed a Danish to go this morning wink

Thank you TF ... wishing the same for you and your family ... oh my goodness yes, I imagine a great weight will be lifted when the project is done!

Family, enjoy your shows!

working working working

L4L hearts

Have a salubrious day Joe Ana TaintedFury Family SpaceQuestFan Gerry Connie L4L manXman ButterFlyBabe Trail_Mystic Mary and anyone else who pops in to say hi wave2
lab
Posted By: BrownEyedTigre

Re: Joe's August 16th - 08/22/20 01:23 AM

It's Friday! Not officially the end of the work week for me yet, but only tomorrow morning left to work and then officially free. We are celebrating my grandsons birthday tomorrow even though he was born early October so we can hold his party outside. Strange times indeed.

Thank you all for the best wishes for my brother-in-law. It's been a really strange and sad week.
Posted By: family

Re: Joe's August 16th - 08/22/20 01:33 AM

chores.
Posted By: Taintedfury

Re: Joe's August 16th - 08/22/20 08:46 AM

G'day Soot carthat Danish sounds delicious, Yep I'll be dancing with joy when the drain is all done hehehe dance


Hi Ana puppy Well when your officially free off work - Make the most of it & enjoy yourself with your family & do the things you kept putting off... think
Ps Plus you can spend more time with BIL ... & nugget to...even thought it's early birthday to your grandson.. wavegirl
Posted By: connie

Re: Joe's August 16th - 08/22/20 11:09 AM

Good morning, enjoy the weekend. A Costco trip today. Danish, Eggs, Grits, Hash Browns, Bacon, Sausage, and Toast in the NC. summer
Posted By: soot

Re: Joe's August 16th - 08/22/20 03:34 PM

Connie ... enjoy the Costco trip ... stay safe ... I am thinking biscuits, eggs, bacon and grits in the NC for me yes

Hey Ho TaintedFury ... hope your Saturday was most excellent for you all

Family, get them chores done and then relax

Ana ... woot take the afternoon off and have fun at grandson's Birthday party birthday

The weekend has arrived ... it's time for projects, chores, gardening, gaming and getting ready for hurricanes penguin
L4L hearts
Have a agreeable day Joe Ana TaintedFury Family SpaceQuestFan Gerry Connie L4L manXman ButterFlyBabe Trail_Mystic Mary and anyone else who pops in to say hi wave2
lab
Posted By: butterflybabe

Re: Joe's August 16th - 08/22/20 05:25 PM

Joe, when Huey does that 'I'm ready to go' action, I laugh and inform him that I'm not going anywhere. He continues to follow until he realizes nothing fun is happening. Of course, he's always ready to go, if for no other reason to get his cookie reward afterwards.
Posted By: family

Re: Joe's August 16th - 08/23/20 01:11 AM

chores.
Posted By: connie

Re: Joe's August 16th - 08/23/20 11:10 AM

Good morning, have a Lovely day. Breakfast out and an Ollie's trip later. Danish, Eggs, Grits, Hash Browns, Bacon, Sausage, Biscuits and Gravy, French Toast, Waffles, and Toast in the NC. summer
Posted By: soot

Re: Joe's August 16th - 08/23/20 02:25 PM

Good morning Joe, ButterFlyBabe, Family and Connie laugh

ButterFlyBabe out little Soot does the same ... although he does enjoy his quiet time alone on the kitchen floor at times

I'll join you with chores Family ... then it'll be time to enjoy Sunday before starting work tomorrow

woot Enjoy Connie ... I'm up for biscuits, gravy and sausage in the NC this morning yes
L4L hearts

Hope your Sunday is to one's liking Joe Ana TaintedFury Family SpaceQuestFan Gerry Connie L4L manXman ButterFlyBabe Trail_Mystic Mary and anyone else who pops in to say hi wave2
lab
Posted By: family

Re: Joe's August 16th - 08/24/20 12:36 AM

watching court shows.
Posted By: Taintedfury

Re: Joe's August 16th - 08/24/20 10:12 AM

Thankyou Soot thought mostly we stayed indoors as it was cold , windy and raining on & off. Happy weekend to you & your family.. penguin


Happy weekend Everyone & all Boomers Yippy wave2
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