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#1015836 - Yesterday at 08:53 PM Sip & Surf Sunday
gymcandy1 Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 30421
Loc: Mead, Oklahoma
Never trust a man when he’s in love, drunk, or running for office.
—Shirley Maclaine


The Tax Man Cometh

A last-minute filer walked into our state income tax office and handed me his returns. Just as he did, a peal of laughter could be heard in another room. Glaring at me, he grumbled, “What are they doing back there, counting the money?”


Misreading the Signals

My fiancé and I went to a counselor to work on our communication issues. Using herself as an example, the counselor crossed her legs and her arms and exhaled loudly. I was about to say she was showing signs of frustration, but my fiancé beat me to it, yelling, “I’ve got it! You’re constipated!”


Exterminating Grandma

As if the declining health of my grandmother weren’t enough, my parents suddenly had to contend with an ant infestation. So I was glad to get a text from Mom updating me: “Exterminator was here; thinks she got the nest behind the microwave. She sprayed, and hundreds came out—dead and woozy. Grandma 
Marie the same.”



Scene: My cousin Matt and his daughter at Chick-fil-A.
Matt: Can I please get a four-piece kids’ meal with white milk. [Pause] Oh, and gimme an extra white milk.
Clerk: Um … We only have one kind of milk, and it’s pretty white.


Misfortune Cookie

After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked open our fortune cookies. Mine read, “Be quiet for a little while.” His read, “Talk while you have a chance.”


What 87-Year-Olds Give Up For Lent

“Has your diet changed?” 
I asked an 87-year-old woman I was admitting into the hospital.
“Yes,” she said. “For Lent, I gave 
up whipped cream on my Jell-O, hard candy, and my two beers a night. [Pause] And look where it’s gotten me.”


Colonoscopy Small Talk

Colonoscopies are important medical procedures that have saved lives. And yet they’re as popular 
as, well, a colonoscopy. Here are 
comments purportedly made by 
patients to physicians during their procedures.
“Now I know how a Muppet feels!”
“Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?”
“Any sign of the trapped miners, chief?”


What’s Your Definition of “Woman”?

Request from a client to our Ad agency: “For the ad, use a stock photo of a woman or a person.”


Weirdest Craigslist Post Ever?

Looking for a job? Here’s one posted on Craigslist:

“$40K a Year to Attend Harvard University as Me.” Requirements include a 4.0 GPA in high school or a 3.5 GPA in college. Only males need apply, since, as the listing tells us, “I have a male name.” The lucky person tapped for the gig doesn’t have to do much other than “attend all classes, pass all tests, 
and finish all assigned work while pretending you are me.” Don’t worry about having to actually get into 
the Ivy League school: “I’ve already taken care of that,” he says.


Landmarks and Spacemarks

While on maneuvers in the 
Mojave Desert, our convoy got lost, forcing our lieutenant to radio for help.
“Are you near any landmarks that might help us locate you?” the base operator asked him.
“Yes,” said the lieutenant. “We are directly under the moon.”


Baby’s First Army Roll Call

During that first roll call in the Army, I waited in dread as the sergeant got to my name: DiFeliciantonio. There was bound to be trouble, and 
I was right, because suddenly, he 
fell silent—eyebrows arched, brain overloaded. After a long pause, he thundered, “The alphabet?!”


Kids Say: Concert Edition

After my three-year-old begged and begged, I gave in and 
let her attend a concert with her older sister and brother. As we 
took our seats, I handed programs 
to the kids. Following the lead of her siblings, my three-year-old opened her program and announced, “I’ll have the chicken.”


Good morning everyboomie. welcome

Welcome to Joe's Diner/Noah's Ark Edition.

We have more storms, and much more rain approaching.

I received a text from our city office with a flood warning, and a notice that the city has sand bags available to all residents. eek

I may just have to get to work by backstroke, if I wake up and my house is floating.

Just to be safe, I stopped at Walmart and bought an anchor on the way home.

Ok it's getting here fast. Gotta get this posted.

Have a happy day everyone.


Edited by gymcandy1 (Yesterday at 09:46 PM)
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers

#1015843 - Yesterday at 09:34 PM Re: Sip & Surf Sunday [Re: gymcandy1]
Space Quest Fan Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 02/17/01
Posts: 10203
Loc: Columbus,Ohio
Have a great Sunday Boomers. happydance
It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.

#1015853 - Yesterday at 11:22 PM Re: Sip & Surf Sunday [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 66930
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Just dropped my neighbor off at the emergency room. Positive thoughts welcome please and thank you. She's a young lady who is in very bad shape.

Joe, SpaceQ and all, have a great day!
Don't feed the Trolls

#1015862 - Today at 06:03 AM Re: Sip & Surf Sunday [Re: gymcandy1]
Haroula Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 8833
Loc: Greece
Have a relaxing Sunday everyone. happydance wave
Ana positive thoughts for your young neighbor.
I change all my passwords to "incorrect". So whenever I forget, it says, "your password is incorrect".

#1015863 - 40 minutes 14 seconds ago Re: Sip & Surf Sunday [Re: gymcandy1]
GBC Online   content
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 07/06/07
Posts: 15307
Loc: Massachusetts
Good Morning Boomers: smile

Joe, hope the sun shines for you soon.

Ana, prayers out to your neighbor. Hugs! hearts

Haroula, happy day wishes.

Space have a great day!

Off to church this morning then a birthday party this afternoon. Wishuing everyone a wonderful day! spring

Edited by GBC (39 minutes 46 seconds ago)

#1015864 - 27 minutes 24 seconds ago Re: Sip & Surf Sunday [Re: gymcandy1]
connie Online   content
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 07/12/02
Posts: 8410
Loc: winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone. Ana, prayers and positive thoughts for your neighbor. Breakfast out and some last minute shopping for our Keys trip next Saturday. Hot tub in place, now we need to get power to it. To all here and all who stop in later, have a Wonderful Sunday. Danish, Eggs, Bacon, Sausage, Ham, Hash Browns, BB Pancakes, and Toast in the NC. spring


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