WINSTON CHURCHILL
My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me.
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Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son.
'Wake up, son. It's time to go to school'
'But why, Mom? I don't want to go.'
'Give me two reasons why you don't want to go.'
'Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!'
'Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready.'
'Give me two reasons why I should go to school.'
'Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principle.'
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Ten of The Best Funny, Clean Jokes and Thoughts
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. - Mark Twain
My school days were the happiest days of my life; which should give you some indication of the misery I've endured over the past twenty-five years. - Paul Merton
I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100. - Woody Allen
My school was so tough the school newspaper had an obituary section. - Norm Crosby
Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.
I'm not going to buy my kids an encyclopaedia. Let them walk to school like I did. - Yogi Berra
In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from the smallest to the tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower? - Warren Hutcherson
You learn something every day if you pay attention. - Ray LeBlond Mother misses children!
In youth we learn; in age we understand - Von Ebner-Eschenbach
If there were no schools to take the children away from home part of the time, the insane asylums would be filled with mothers. - Edgar W. Howe
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Funny Back to School Stories and Jokes
Holidays Are Over
The summer holiday was over and young Jack returned to Wicor school.
Only two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that Jack was misbehaving.
'Wait a minute,' mother said. 'I had Jack with me for six weeks and I never called you once when he misbehaved.
School Learning
Nathan comes home from his first day at school. Mother asks, 'What did you learn today?'
He replies, 'Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow.'
Mum: How did you find school today?
Youngster: I simply hopped off the bus - and there it was. Schoolboy howlers - Holidays
New Teacher?
Mia: I think we need a new teacher.
Mum: Why is that?
Mia: Our teacher doesn't know anything, she keeps asking us for the answers.
Doing Their Homework!
When Dad came home he was astonished to see Vic sitting on a horse, writing something.
'What on earth are you doing there?' he asked.
'Well, the teacher told us to write an essay on our favourite animal.' Answered Vic, 'That's why I'm here and that's why Sara's sitting in the goldfish bowl.'
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A head teacher is making his rounds of the school when he hears a terrible commotion coming from one of the classrooms. He rushes in and spots one boy, taller than the others, who seems to be making the most noise.
He seizes the lad, drags him to the hall, and tells him to wait there until he is excused. Returning to the classroom, the head teacher restores order and lectures the class for half an hour about the importance of good behaviour.
'Now,' he says, 'are there any questions?'
One girl stands up timidly. 'Please sir,' she asks, 'may we have our teacher back?'
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Excuse Notes - Why Pupils Are NOT Back at SchoolPlease excuse Susie, she has been sick and under the doctor.
Please excuse Barry for being. It was his father's fault.
Cedric will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
Excuse: Why Pupil Failed Exam
What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his examination?
'Dad, they questioned me for 3 hours, but I never told them anything!!'
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Two Stories from the Music DepartmentBeethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. In fact, he was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practised on an old spinster, which he kept up in his attic.
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Returning to School? - What the Experts SayEducation is a state-controlled manufactory of echoes. Norman Douglas
Strange as it seems, no amount of learning can cure stupidity, and higher education positively fortifies it. Stephen Vizinczey
Education is what survives when what has been learned has been forgotten. BF Skinner
America believes in education: the average professor earns more money in a year than a professional athlete earns in a whole week. Evan Esar
Education is the most powerful weapon you can use to change the world. Nelson Mandela
Education is not preparation for life, education is life itself. John Dewey
If little else, the brain is an educational toy. Tom Robbins
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Teacher: Brett, your essay on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your sister's. Did you copy her?
Brett: No miss; it's the same dog.
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Good morning everyboomie.
Boy am I hung over after that wild Superbowl party celebration.
I haven't been this hung over since New Years Evening, but then your belly hanging over your belt is pretty permanent, until you do some exercising,...........or get lipo.
The VA refuses to pay for my lipo-suction, and I'm...ah....designing my exercise program as I type.
It's a designer program.
I'm planning on doing a lot of physical activity
that will have me breathing really heavy....THAT WILL HAVE MY HEART RATE GOING REALLY REALLY FAST. You know, jumping squats and stuff like that.
I'm changing my diet too. I'm eating more, but it's before I work out, because after I work out I'll throw half of it back up.
I eat about 50% more, but after I throw up it's like I'm eating 25% less.
I'm excited.
Have an exciting, happy day everyone.
joe