Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.
Mae West
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After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment. This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth. The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!" Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!" Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds. "Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home. When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!" The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot!"
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2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess.
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
Dinner Special — Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
For Sale — Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.
Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
If you think you’ve seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.
Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
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Bloopers based on Actual Court Room Transcripts and Trial Records.
Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first
marriage terminated?
By death.
And by whose death was it terminated?
Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
What is your name?
Ernestine McDowell.
And what is your marital status?
Fair.
Now, doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in
his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning?
Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
I show you exhibit 3 and ask you
if you recognize that picture.
That’s me.
Were you present when that picture was taken?
So you were gone until you returned?
She had three children, right?
Yes.
How many were boys?
None.
Were there girls?
You don’t know what it was, and you didn’t know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
Yes.
And these stairs, did they go up also?
Were you alone or by yourself.
Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
Have you lived in this town all your life?
Not yet.
Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the rose Chapel?
It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
And Mr. Eddington was dead at the time, is that correct?
No, you stupid, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!
How long have you been a French Canadian?
Are you married?
No, I’m divorced.
And what did your husband do
before you divorced him?
A lot of things I didn’t know about.
And who is this person you are speaking of?
My ex-widow said it.
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Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to the second day of June, 2116!
2016
Time travel jet lag.
Speaking of time, I've got good news for you. You still have 204 shopping days left before Christmas.
That's overkill man, I only need one,
Eggnog anyone?
Have a happy day everyone.
joe