Jay Leno
In Berlin, a laundromat was raided because it was a front for a brothel. You know what tipped police off? Men doing laundry.
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NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS YOU CAN KEEP
Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:
1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
3. Read less. Makes you think.
4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
6. Not date any of the Baywatch cast.
7. Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.
8. Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine.
9. Not jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.
10. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
11. Not have eight children at once.
12. Get in a whole NEW rut!
13. Start being superstitious.
14. Personal goal: bring back disco.
15. Not wrestle with Jesse Ventura.
16. Not bet against the Minnesota Vikings.
17. Buy an '83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system.
18. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.
19. Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabicwords.
20. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.
21. Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.
22. Not eat cloned meat.
23. Create loose ends.
24. Get more toys.
25. Get further in debt.
26. Not believe politicians.
27. Break at least one traffic law.
28. Not drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.
29. Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.
30. Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.
31. Stay off the MIR space station.
32. Not worry that the Y2K bug will cause the end of the world.
33. Get wired with high-speed net connections at home.
34. Not swim with piranhas or sharks.
35. Associate with even worse business clients.
36. Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them.
37. Wait around for opportunity.
38. Focus on the faults of others.
39. Mope about my faults.
40. Never make New Year's resolutions again.
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Dressing Room Humor
Here are some pretty heartless things to say to a women in dressing rooms...
That's a bit expensive just for a dare isn't it?
I saw a dress just like that one in Woolworths yesterday.
Hey, get out of here you filthy pervert! Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were a man...
I had a dress like that. My boyfriend made me throw it away because he said it made me look like Edna Everage.
Pardon me, but I think that will clash terribly with your pimples...
Excuse me, but would you stop staring at me? Yes, YOU
Look, if you're that desperate to attract a man I'll fix you up myself
Excuse me for asking, but you seem to know something I don't. Is the plain, severe and drab' look in this season?
Size 12? That's a bit optimistic isn't it?
Hi, I'm from Weightwatchers...
I wouldn't buy that dress if I were you. All it does is accentuate your roots
Excuse me, but since you're obviously colourblind would you like any help?
Isn't it funny how some clothes just accentuate the tummy like that?
God, you're fat. Don't you care about yourself?
I'm sorry, I owe you an apology. I'm the store detective and I followed you in here because I thought you'd stuffed six dresses, four skirts and a raincoat up your jumper but I can see now that it's really all you.
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Things not to say to a cop when you're pulled over...
I only had one officer Mr. Keg..
Back off Barney, I've got a piece.
Want to race to the station, Sparky?
I know I was weaving, but I can't find the Honeycomb Hideout!
On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack.
You'll never get those cuffs on me...You [blip]!
Come on write the [blip] ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
Hey, wasn't your daughter a pork queen?
How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.
Hey officer, is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?
I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!
Yeah you can see my license and registration, officer, but could you hold my beer for a minute?
Hey, you must've been doing' about 125mph (200km/h) to keep up with me! Good job!
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.
Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?
You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
"Bad Cop! No Donut!"
I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are cars around, that's how far I am behind the other cars.
You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?
"Lets do it different this time... I will give you the breathalyzer test, now stick this in your mouth and blow"
Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on "COPS" last week on TV?
Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture next to my girlfriend's bed.
I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket
So, uh, you "on the take", or what?
Gee, officer! That's terrific. The police officer yesterday only gave me a warning too!
Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.
So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn't let you play with your gun when you were little?
Hey is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.
When you smack the [blip] outta me, make sure you smile for the video camcorder.
Is it true that people become policemen because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
Hey, you look like that girl I [blip] a few days ago...
Aren't you one of the Village People?
Hey officer, want to see a trick? Look at your wife!
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Good morning everyboomie.
Like sands through the hour glass, these are the days of Miller Lite.
Those were the days my friend. We thought they'd never end.
Dem days, dem dang dog days of Summer done came home to stay.
That last one is not actually a song or quote or anything.
It's my own sentiment.
Either way I had a great day, and I hope that one is coming your way.......today.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe