If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
~Henny Youngman~
Otherwise you need to be out of bed by 11:00.
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A guy has a talking dog.
He brings it to a talent scount.
"This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent.
"Okay, Sport," the guys says to the dog, "what's on the top of a house?" "Roof!" the dog replies.
"Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds.
"All dogs go roof." "No, wait," the guy says.
He asks the dog "what does sandpaper feel like?"
"Rough!" the dog answers.
The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience. "No, hang on," the guy says.
"This one will amaze you."
He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?"
"Ruth!" goes the dog.
And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street.
And the dog turns to the guy and says "Maybe I should have said DiMaggio?"
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A girl has brought her fiance home for dinner. After dinner, the fiance
and the girl's father go into the study for a man to man talk.
"So, what are you doing right now?" asks the father.
"I am a theology scholar," replies the fiance.
"Do you have any plans of employment?"
"I will study and God will provide."
"What about the children?" asks the man.
"God will provide."
"And your house and car?"
"Again, God will provide," says the fiance.
After the talk, the girl's mother asks the father, "So what did you two
talk about?"
The man replies, "He has no plans of employment, and
he thinks I'm God."
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A factory foreman is walking through the work area, and notices that Kawolski isn't at his station.
He asks one of the other workers if they know where Kawolski is, and the employee points straight up in the air. The foreman looks up, and there's Kawolski, hanging by one arm from the rafters.
"Get down from there, Kawolski," he yells, to which Kawolski replies, "But I'm a light bulb!"
The boss is -NOT- impressed, and makes Kawolski climb down and get back to work.
About an hour later, the boss is walking through the factory once again, and once again he notices that Kawolski is missing. On a hunch, he looks up, and again sees Kawolski hanging by one arm from the rafters.
The foreman makes him climb down, and chews him out, saying that if he catches Kawolski up there one more time, he's going to get fired.
Another hour later, the boss is making another round, and sure enough... there's Kawolski, hanging by one arm from the rafters.
"That's it, Kawolski," he yells. "You're FIRED!"
Kawolski climbs down, and grabs his lunchbox. As he gathers his belongings, all of the other employees stop working, and begin to empty their lockers as well.
"What's going on?" the foreman asks. "The rest of you had better get back to work right now!"
One of the employees turns to the forman and says, "Sorry boss, but we aren't about to work in the dark."
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This guy walks into a bar and ask the bar tender for a drink. He gets his drink and minds his own business and looks up and down the bar.
To his amazement, he is stunned to see a 10' pianist on top of the bar.
"Hey bartender," he says..."What is that 10' pianist doing on top of your bar?"
"Well, you see this lamp?" asks the bartender.
"Rub this lamp and you can make a wish, and you will see why I have a 10' pianist on the bar."
So the man rubs the lamp and he wishes for a million bucks.
All of a sudden, the doors pop open and a million ducks come flying into the bar.
"Hey wait a minute!" says the man. "I wished for a million bucks not a million ducks."
The bartender looks at him and says..."Do you think I asked for a 10' pianist?"
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"Boss, I've got to have a raise," the salesman said to his sales manager.
"There are three other companies after me."
"Is that a fact?" the manager asked. "What other companies are after you?"
"The electric company, the phone company, and the gas company."
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The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at
thousands of people in the forecourt below.
The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth, "I bet you a tenner that I can make
every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand."
The Pope says, "No way. You can't do that."
The Queen says, "Watch this."
So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically going ballistic.
So the Pope is standing there thinking, "Uh oh, what am I going to do?
I never thought she'd be able to do it."
So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says,
"I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild, not just
now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head."
The Queen goes, "No way, it can't be done."
So the Pope headbutts her.
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A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.
"What was that for?" he asked.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.
"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."
Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?"
She replied, "Your horse called."
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"My whole family is shocked and surprised with the death of my uncle", says a man to his friend.
"Oh, that's terrible. Tell me, how old was he?", asks the friend.
"He was 95 years old", answers the man.
"Actually, that's kind of old", claims the friend, "Why are you so surprised?".
"Because his parachute didn't open".
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Good morning everyboomie.
I hope you're all doing great today after all the stuffing yesterday.
It was a really nice day here, until the Cowboys played.
It's down right painful to watch them this year, they're so bad.
They don't do any good at all in the first half, and then in the second half they completely fall apart.
There's always next year I guess.....
I hope you're all ready for a great weekend.
Have a happy day y'all.
joe