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#1137464 - 01/04/18 07:17 PM TGIF
gymcandy1 Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 32364
Loc: Calera, Oklahoma
Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.

~Winston Churchill~
```````````````````

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the creator of the world-famous detective Sherlock Holmes, was not above telling self- deprecating tales.

In one situation, he was waiting at a taxi stand outside the railway station in Paris. When a taxi pulled up, he placed his suitcase in the car and took a seat next to it.

"Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?" asked the taxi driver.

Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver whether he knew him by sight.

"No, sir, I have never seen you before."

The puzzled Doyle asked him how he knew he was Conan Doyle.

"This morning's paper had a story about you being on vacation in Marseilles. This is the taxi-stand where people who return from Marseilles always come to. Your skin color tells me you have been on vacation. The ink-spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you're a writer. Your clothing is very English, and not French. And so, I deduced that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."

Doyle remarked, "This is truly amazing. You are a real-life counterpart to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes."

"There is one other thing," the driver said.

"What is that?"

"Your name is on the front of your suitcase."

``````````

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help his with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitced Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, Pull!", but Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!", but buddy didn't respond. Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!", still nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" and the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

``````````

A man goes into a restaurant with his wife. The waiter approaches the table and asks for their order. "I'll have your biggest, juiciest steak," he says.

"But sir, what about the mad cow?!" asks the waiter.

"Oh," answers the man, "she'll order for herself."

`````````````````

I tried to clean these up. If anyone is offended by any of them let me know, ok? wink

BAR ROOM CHAT TRANSLATIONS:

"You get this one, next round is on me." (We won't be here long enough to get another round.)

"I'll get this one, next one is on you." (Happy hour is about to end...now drafts are a dollar, but by the next round they'll be 4.50 a pop.)

"Hey, where is that friend of yours?" (I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.)

"Can I get a glass of white zinfandel." [female] (I'm easy.)

"Ever try a body shot?" [male to female] (I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.)

"Ever try a body shot?" [female to male] (If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?)

"I don't feel well, let's go home." [female] (You are paying more attention to your friends than me.)

"I don't feel well, let's go home." [male] (I'm horny.)

"Who's got the next round?" (I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.)

"What do you have on tap?" (What's cheap?)

"Can I have a white Russian?" [female] (I'm really easy.)

"That person looks really familiar." (Did I sleep with him/her?)

"Can I just get a glass of water?" [female] (I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)

"Can I just get a glass of water?" [male] (I'm annoying, and cheap to boot.)

"I don't have my ID on me." [female] (I'm 19.)

"I don't have my ID on me." [male] (I don't have a license since I got pulled over and blew a 0.4 after my last visit here.)

"Excuse Me." [male to male] (Get the frig out of my way.)

"Excuse Me." [female to male] (Don't even think about groping me, just get the frig out of my way.)

"Excuse Me." [female to female] (Move your fat. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don't think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho...Get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you, like the slut you are.)

`````````````````

A doctor is going round the ward with a nurse and they come to the first bed where the chap is laying half dead.

"Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, no," replies the nurse, "I gave him eight tablets every two hours!"

At the next bed the next patient also appears half dead.

"Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?"

"Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour," replies the nurse.

Unfortunately at the next bed the patient is well and truly deceased, not an ounce of life. "Nurse," asks the doctor, "did you prick his boil?"

"OH MY GOODNESS!" replies the nurse. shocked

````````````

How Dogs and Men Are the Same

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.

2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.

3. Both mark their territory.

4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.

5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.

6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.

7. Neither does any dishes.

8. Both [blip]pass gass shamelessly.

9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.

10. Both like dominance games.

11. Both are suspicious of the postman.

12. Neither understands what you see in cats.

How Dogs Are Better Than Men

1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.

2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.

3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.

4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.

5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.

6. Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).

7. You can train a dog.

8. Dogs are easy to buy for.

9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas (OK, really, the worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).

10. Dogs understand what "no" means.

11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

``````````````

Good morning everyboomie. wave2


This will be another quickie, as I still have guest at my house. smile


IT'S FRIDAY!!! penguin


My son goes back home today, but we've had a great time the past 3 days. yes


At least we have some warmer weather coming. bravo


I hope it's warmer where you are. hug


Have a happy day everyone. woot


joe
_________________________
There are no strangers here; Only friends you haven’t yet met.

William Butler Yeats

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#1137479 - 01/04/18 10:39 PM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Online   happy
The Sassy Administrator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 76157
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Joe, I'm so glad you still have company! Enjoy yourself!

Have a happy day all! I can't wait to start my weekend!

Ana wave
_________________________
Don't feed the Trolls

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#1137483 - 01/04/18 11:58 PM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
venus Offline
Staff Reviewer
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 03/07/09
Posts: 8104
Loc: Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
Have a great Friday Joe, Ana and all who follow. wave

It's late Thursday night, and I'm off to sleep. I can get up a little later tomorrow, but I still have to work in the morning. smile

Have a terrific Friday, everyone. winter
_________________________
Interrogator: [True or false?] All mangoes are golden. Nothing golden is cheap. Conclusion - all mangoes are cheap.

Helena: Where are these mangoes?

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#1137489 - 01/05/18 05:45 AM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
Kaki's Sister Offline
True Blue Boomer

Registered: 11/21/04
Posts: 23181
Loc: Marlborough USA
Good Morning Joe, Ana, venus and everyone. It's bitter cold here with wind chills way below zero! It's going to be like this for the next 3days! Wind chills right now are -20! Brrrrrr! shiver Coffee, tea and hot chocolate are ready.
Wishing you all a warm happy day! winter
_________________________
Gerry

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#1137495 - 01/05/18 07:30 AM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
connie Online   content
Adept Boomer

Registered: 07/12/02
Posts: 10471
Loc: winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone, have a Super TGIF. Still cold here. winter Dinner and Karaoke at Mickey V'S tonight. Danish, Eggs, Grits, Hash Browns, BB Pancakes, Oatmeal, Bacon, and French Toast in the NC. happydance12
_________________________
Connie

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#1137509 - 01/05/18 09:40 AM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
GBC Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 07/06/07
Posts: 18262
Loc: Massachusetts
Good Morning Boomers penguin

Wow! It's freezing here. tantrum

Joe, Glad you had company the last three days.

Ana, enjoy the weekend.

Venus, enjoy your work.

Connie, have fun tonight.

Gerry, I can't stand this weather. winter

No school again today. Weather is horrible. Snow is everywhere. Wishing everyone a wonderful day! shiver
_________________________
Gail

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#1137518 - 01/05/18 09:59 AM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Offline
Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 47755
Loc: Alabama
Fantastic Friday ya'll puppy

Still cold in AL but trending toward our normal. I might be able to get Keoki out for a walk today if the wind doesn't pick up wavegirl
_________________________
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

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#1137556 - 01/05/18 07:16 PM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
soot Offline
Puzzled Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/16/05
Posts: 28492
Loc: Usually up an Alabama Tree
Hello Joe Ana Venus Gerry Connie Gail L4L (wink) and the rest of the GB gang laugh

woot It's TGIF Friday my favorite day of the week.

I've started my weekend.

Stay warm Joe Gail Connie Venus and Ana

Any frozen iguana's near you Connie?

Have a Super Evening everyone

wave2
_________________________
To learn, read...To know, write...To master, teach...To live, play games & listen to whale music

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#1137572 - 01/06/18 12:30 AM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
venus Offline
Staff Reviewer
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 03/07/09
Posts: 8104
Loc: Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
Good night, everyone. sleep
_________________________
Interrogator: [True or false?] All mangoes are golden. Nothing golden is cheap. Conclusion - all mangoes are cheap.

Helena: Where are these mangoes?

Top

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