Inside me there’s a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.
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~Bob Thaves~
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An elderly man was on the operating table awaiting surgery to be performed by his son, a renowned surgeon. Just before they would put him under, he asked to speak to his son: "Don’t be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."
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A man has usually no idea how often he normally f*arts. That is, until he spends 24 hours with a girl he likes.
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A fat guy and a thin guy meet:
Fat guy: “When I see you, I’d think a famine broke out!”
Thin guy: “And when I see you, I’d think you’re the one responsible for that!”
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Today I ran from a ticket inspector. He chased me through half the train. When he finally caught me, he wasn’t very amused to find that I actually do have the ticket.
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Stalking: When two people enjoy long romantic walks together, but just one of them is aware of this fact.
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“Waiter, could you bring me some tooth picks, please?”
“I’m sorry sir but you’ll have to wait a little bit, they are currently all in use.”
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Petra comes back from the bathroom in a café where she was sitting with her friend Nicole.
Nicole says, “Listen, I think your electric toothbrush must have switched itself on in your handbag.”
Petra replies, “But I don’t have an electric t… Oh yeah, that darned toothbrush!”
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I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s 7 years in a row now.
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At a job interview:
“Mrs Lober, what do you consider your greatest weakness?”
“Honesty.”
“Really? I don’t believe that is a weakness at all.”
“I don't give a rats patootie about your opinion!”
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Why haven’t there been any shark attacks on lawyers? Sharks observe professional courtesy.
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A child’s observation: If a mother laughs at dad’s jokes, we have guests.
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My boss told me yesterday, “Don’t dress for the job you have, dress for the job you want”. But when I turned up at the office today in Ghostbusters gear, the moron said I was fired.
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About 4,000 years ago:
God: I shall create a great plague and every living thing on Earth will die!
Fish: *Winks at God and slips him a $20 note*
God: Correction, I shall create a great flood!
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Little Johnny once bought his Grandma a very nice, luxurious toilet brush for her birthday. But when he went to visit her a couple of weeks later, it wasn't in the bathroom.
Little Johnny asked his Grandma, “Gran, what happened to the toilet brush I gave you?”
“Darling, I'm sorry but I just didn’t like it. It was too scratchy. After all those years, I’ve gotten used to the toilet paper.”
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A man to a psychiatrist: “How do you select who should be admitted to your facility?”
The psychiatrist replies: “We fill a bathtub with water and give the person a spoon, a cup and a bucket. Then we ask that person to empty the bathtub.”
The man smiles: “Ah, I understand, if you are sane you would take the bucket.”
The Psychiatrist replies: “No, a sane guy pulls the plug. Do you want a room with or without a balcony?”
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I got a really cute dog and called him Threemiles. It sounds great to say I walk Threemiles twice a day.
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Two planets meet. One moans to the other: “Can you believe it, I’ve got humans!”
The other cheers her up: “Don’t worry, just catch a couple of comets and they'll be gone.”
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When a guy says he likes girls with a sense of humor, he doesn't mean that he wants a girl to be really witty and funny. He means he wants her to laugh at his jokes.
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Good morning everyboomie.
Let's see, what day is this? Oh yes, it's the day after yesterday.
No wait, I thought that was yesterday.
It WAS yesterday.
I'm so confused.
I relocated to the state of confusion many years ago I'm afraid.
I'm thinking about moving again.....to the state of catatonic.
Soon I hope.
Have a lucid day everyone.
joe