A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
—Steve Martin
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Two priests were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' topless blonde came walking straight towards them ...... They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.
Kathleen NunOnce again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous topless blonde came walking toward them.
Again she nodded at each of them and said 'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?'
'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'
She replied, 'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen' ...
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John, the vicar of St Mary's was enthused to raise money for his cathedral's roof. He felt the usual tombola would not make enough money so he decided to run a series of donkey Derbies throughout the diocese.
The Reverend John learned that Big Al Corleone had a string of donkeys, and persuaded him to loan his donkeys for a series of Derbies. Crucially, John induced Big Al to run the best donkey in the Vicar's name.
It the first Derby, held in the grounds of St Mark's church, John's donkey came second.
The next day the local chronicle carried this headline: "Vicar's Ass Shows."
Two weeks later the next donkey derby was run in St Gabriel's parish. John was thrilled when his donkey won!
The local paper read: "Vicar's Ass Out Front."
Problem: the bishop was so upset with the publicity generated by the Chronicle that he ordered the Vicar not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local paper read: "Bishop Scratches Vicar's Ass".
Understandably, the bishop was exasperated and he ordered John to sever his association with the donkey Derby. Consequently, the Vicar decided to give the donkey to a nun in a St Cecilia's convent.
The local paper, hearing the news, posted this headline: "Nun Has Best Ass in Town."
When he read that headline the bishop fainted. Later, when he had recovered, the bishop summoned the nun and asked her to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for twenty dollars.
The next day's edition read: "Nun Sells Ass for $25."
Finally the bishop ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and to release it onto the plains where it could return to nature.
The next day the headlines read: "Nun Announces that Her Ass is Wild and Free".
The bishop was buried the next day.
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A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St Christopher was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.
The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St Christopher to a mansion. It had everything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an Olympic size pool.
'Oh my word, thank you,' said the taxi driver.
Next, St Christopher led the priest to a rough old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.
'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up,' said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'
'Yes, that's true.' St Christopher rejoined, 'But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.'
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A man flops down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie is stained, his face is smeared with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin is sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opens a newspaper and begins reading.
After a few minutes the guy turns to the priest and asks, 'Say, Father, what causes arthritis?' Loose living; cheap, wicked woman; too much alcohol; and contempt for your fellow man, 'answers the priest.' I'll be damned, 'the drunk mutters, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he said, nudges the man and apologises.' I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to be so harsh. How long have you had arthritis?'
'Oh, I don't have it, Father. But it says here that the Pope does.'
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Holy SmokeActing on a tip-off, Greek police officers raided a nunnery in the village of Filiro, near Thessaloniki in Greece. It amazed them to find 35 healthy cannabis plants growing in the walled garden.
What the nuns told the police was, two gentleman offered to help them tidy the garden in the Greek Orthodox nunnery. Summing up the circumstances, the officers believed the nuns when they said they had no idea that 'decorative plants' were really pot, or kánnabis in Greek. Police are still trying to trace the two gardeners.
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A Woman Should Have .....
Enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own, even if she never wants to or needs to...A Woman Should Have....
A Woman Should Have ......Something perfect to wear if the employer, or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour...
A Woman Should Have ..... A youth she's content to leave behind....
A Woman Should Have ......A past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age....
A Woman Should Have .......A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...
A Woman Should Have ......One friend who always makes her laugh... and one who lets her cry...
A Woman Should Have ......A good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...
A Woman Should Have ...... Eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal, that will make her guests feel honoured...
A Woman Should Have ......A feeling of control over her destiny.
Every Woman Should Know .....How to fall in love without losing herself.
Every Woman Should Know .....How to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship...
Every Woman Should Know .....When to try harder... and WHEN TO WALK AWAY...
Every Woman Should Know .....
That she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..
Every Woman Should Know .....That her childhood may not have been perfect...but its over...
Every Woman Should Know .....What she would and wouldn't do for love or more...
Every Woman Should Know .....How to live alone... even if she doesn't like it...
Every Woman Should Know .....
Whom she can trust, whom she can't, and why she shouldn't take it personally.. ..
Every Woman Should Know ..... Where to go, be it to her best friend's kitchen table, or a charming inn in the woods; when her soul needs soothing...
Every Woman Should Know .....What she can and can't accomplish in a day...a month...and a year...
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Good morning everyboomie.
Hump day already? Hold on tight everyone, it's straight down hill from here.
I think I'll take the easy way down.
It's ok to end the week with a bang, but not a crash.
If you happen to hear a bang though don't worry, it's just me shooting holes in the clouds to let some sunshine in.
The weatherman lied again. Last night they said 61 degrees today. Then this morning they said 48 for the high.
We didn't go to Sam's. My friend had repairmen call and say they would be coming to her house, so we will go down there Wed. Then after cancelling our plans for the day, they didn't show up at her house.
They told her they would be there Wednesday instead, and she said "Oh No, you won't!"
The good news is, the weather man say's we'll be 61 degrees for the high on Wednesday. Here we go again.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe