"Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace. The soul that knows it not, knows no release from little things; Knows not the livid loneliness of fear."
A 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was badly broken anyway. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire exactly where the heart would be on a woman.
The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
A guy was invited to an old friends' home for dinner.
His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.
The guy was impressed since he knew the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names."
His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh , I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
Three elderly men are at the doctor's office for a memory test. The doctor asks the first man, "What is three times three?"
"274," came the reply.
The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"
"Tuesday," replies the second man.
The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?"
"Nine," says the third man.
"That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?"
"Simple," he says, "just subtract 274 from Tuesday."
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?
A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said,
"If you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't get worms."
Good morning everyboomie!
If Thursday follows Wednesday, then it stands to reason that.......uh....
....this is not Thursday.
I don't know where I'd be without reason.
Although, some times I do things for no reason at all.
Like, I pluck the hair in my.....nevermind, but it was something I do for no reason at all.
Sometimes I did stuff out of meanness but still for no reason at all.
Like, Once I wrote "Kick Me Here" on the back of my brother's shirt, and drew an arrow pointing down to the bottom, for no real reason at all. ONCE!!
I forgot about it, and wore that shirt myself.
The really bad thing was that I accidentally put it on backwards.
I'm kicking myself for that mistake.
Sometimes I talk to myself for no reason at all.
Well that's not exactly true.
I do that so I'll know that I'm not alone.
Yeah ok, I guess we'd better get this posted now.
Have a happy day you guys.
Me and joe