We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.
Will Rogers (1879 - 1935)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Can you spot the ghost in this add?
If you can't see it with the link, copy and paste this in your search bar. http://www.lotsofjokes.com/ghostly_car_ad-video-6.htm
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Courtroom Dialogue
Lawyer: Did you blow your horn or anything?
Witness: After the accident?
Lawyer: Before the accident.
Witness: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Lawyer: How old is your son? The one living with you.
Witness: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Lawyer: How long has he lived with you?
Witness: Forty-five years.
Lawyer: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
Witness: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Lawyer: And why did that upset you?
Witness: My name is Susan.
Lawyer: How was your first marriage terminated?
Witness: By death.
Lawyer: And by whose death was it terminated?
Lawyer: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
Witness: We both do.
Witness: We do.
Lawyer: You do?
Witness: Yes, voodoo.
Lawyer: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
Lawyer: And what were you doing at that time?
Lawyer: What is your date of birth?
Witness: July fifteenth.
Lawyer: What year?
Witness: Every year.
Lawyer: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
Lawyer: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
Witness: Yes, sir.
Lawyer: What did she say?
Witness: She said 'What disco am I at?'
Lawyer: Mr. Smith, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
Witness: I went to Europe, Sir.
Lawyer: And you took your new wife?
Lawyer: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
Lawyer: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Lawyer: She had three children, right?
Lawyer: How many were boys?
Lawyer: Were there any girls?
Lawyer: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Lawyer: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
Witness: I forget things.
Lawyer: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Lawyer: Can you describe the individual you saw?
Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Lawyer: Was this a male, or a female?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Riding A Dead Horse
Old tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. Businesses, however, often try other strategies. These include...
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this horse"
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.
6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses.
7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse.
8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability.
9. Comparing the state of dead horses in today's environment.
10. Change the requirements declaring that "This horse is not dead".
11. Hire contractors to ride the dead horse.
12. Harnessing several dead horses together for increased speed.
13. Declaring that "No horse is too dead to beat."
14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance.
15. Do a CA Study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper.
16. Purchase a product to make dead horses run faster.
17. Declare the horse is now "better, faster and cheaper."
18. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses.
19. Revisit the performance requirements for horses.
20. Say this horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.
21. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Into The Future
Get a glimpse into life far into the future, in the year 2056...
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formally known as California.
Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).
Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2058.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise are the keys to weight loss.
Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2057.
Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
Baby conceived naturally . . . scientists stumped!
Florida voters still don't know how to use a voting machine
Good morning everyboomie.
It's Wednesday. MAIL DAY!!!!!
If you're not sure what I'm referring to you need to reread the jokes.
Doesn't it seem strange that Wednesday falls on the same day every week?
I thought it rotated back by one day each week.
Did you know that if you were born on February 29th, then you don't really exist, and you don't have to pay income tax?
The down side is you probably won't get many birthday gifts either.
I wasn't lucky enough to get out of paying income tax, but since I was born in December I only have to pay tax on my December earnings.
I am SO happy I was not born in January.
I hope you guys find something to smile about today.