Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
George Burns (1896 - 1996)
1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.
2. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
3. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.
4. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?
5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.
6. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
7. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
8. The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
9. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.
10. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.
11. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.
12. Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away.
13. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.
14. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his [blip] wakes me up, and it is getting too much.
15. When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Cynic's Guide to Life
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a squeaking fan belt and a leaky tire.
I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and...
Follow your dream. Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later you'll inhale a bee.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me alone.
If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.
If a motorists cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothings gets the message across like a good mooning.
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bon bon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the 'thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge' group.
Just remember... You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car.
When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers... and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.
This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives say over.
Love is like a roller coaster. If you like it, you don't want to get off, and when you don't... you can't wait to throw up.
Penal Code 6260, California State Vehicle Act, Chapter XVIII, Paragrapf 187, reads:
It is a misdemeanor to shoot any kind of game bird or mammal--except a whale, from an automobile or an airplane.
Ordinance No. 16 of Columbus, Mont. provides that;
Any person who shall not lift his hat to the Mayor as he passes him in the street, will be guilty of a misdemeanor.
Boys are prohibited from throwing snowballs at trees within the city limits of Mt. Pulaski, Ill., according to Section 37 of the Revised Ordinances of that city.
All Wisconsin boarding houses clubs, hotels and restaurants must serve with every meal sold at twenty-five cents or more, not less than two-thirds of an ounce of cheese.
Connecticut General Statutes provides for the punishment by fine or imprisonment for the "Enticing of a neighbor's bees".
The Revised Statutes of Kansas, 1923, state: It shall be unlawful for any person to exhibit in a public way within the State of Kansas, any sort of exhibition that consists of the eating or pretending to eat of snakes, lizaeds, scorpions, centipedes, tarantulas, or other reptiles.
The State Housing Act of California, Sec. 74 reads: No horse, cow, calf, swine, sheep, goat, mule, or other animal, chicken, pigeon, goose, duck, or other poultry shall be kept in any apartment house or hotel or any part thereof.
In Alderson W.Va, an ordinance states: No lions shall be allowed to run wild on the streets of this city.
This is the law in Kansas: When two trains approach each other at a crossing, they shall both come to a complete stop, and neither shall start up until the other has gone.
In 1907, Michigan passed a law which reads: An act to provide for the lawful taking of suckers, mullet, dogfish, and lawyers from the Sturgeon River
Good morning everyboomie.
Getting ready for a 5:00 start in the morning and I'm already ready for bed. (Said in between dozing off, and dreaming of storming up and down the creek looking for points.)
One problem is that it takes an hour longer to get dark now.
If you gotta get up at 3:30, it's best to (at 61) hit the crib at zero dark thirty.
I gotta haircut today, which means there will be less hair between my head, and my pillow so I'm sure it will be less cracklely, or rustley, so it should be quieter, and easier to fall asleep.
Then again my head will be lighter, and have a harder time sinking down in my pillow.
Don't ask me what THAT means.
Probably that I've been awake too long.
Have a happy day everyone.