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#882608 - 04/21/13 07:51 PM Monday Mourning
gymcandy1 Online   happy
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 30116
Loc: Mead, Oklahoma
I always say, keep a diary and some day it'll keep you.
Mae West
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TEXAS BEER JOINT SUES LOCAL CHURCH OVER LIGHTNING STRIKE!


(This should keep you chuckling for awhile)
A bar called Drummond's (in Mt Vernon, Texas ) began construction on an expansion of their building, hoping to "grow" their business.
In response, the local Southern Baptist Church started a campaign to block the bar from expanding - petitions, prayers, etc.
About a week before the bar's grand re-opening, a bolt of lightning struck the bar and burned it to the ground!
Afterward, the church folks were rather smug - bragging about "the power of prayer".
The angry bar owner eventually sued the church on grounds that the church... "Was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, through direct actions or indirect means."
Of course, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.
The judge read carefully through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply.
He then opened the hearing by saying:
"I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork that what we have here is a bar owner who now believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that does not!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


An Irishman is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He immediately dials 999.

Irishman: ''It's me wife! I've accidentally shot her, I've killed her!''

Operator: ''Please calm down Sir. Can you first make sure she is actually dead!''

*click* .. *BANG*

Irishman: ''Okay, I've done that. What next?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I would like to share an experience with you, about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home.

Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise , as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .'
My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.' I grabbed my stuff, rushed
out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong
one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , San Francisco

2... At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,'. . . Replied
the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes , Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her Reporting to the rest of the
family that he had Died of a 'massive internal [blip].'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with
One of his medications. ?Which one?'. .. . I asked. 'The patch... The Nurse
told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of
places to put it!' I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I
wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a
new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair , Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long
have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion she answered ..
. . ' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis , OR

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking
up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your breakfast this morning?' ?It's very
good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.
Bob replied. I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced A foil packet
labeled 'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf , Detroit ,

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with
purple hair styled Into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of
tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, Entered . . . It was quickly
determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was Scheduled for
immediate surgery.. When she was completely disrobed on the operating Table,
the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there
was a Tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the
patient's dressing, Which said 'Sorry . . . Had to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by RN no name,
AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB. I was quite
embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment
I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst
out laughing And further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and
sheepishly said. . .. ' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She replied with
tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . ..
' No doctor but the song you were whistling was .. . . ' I wish I was an
Oscar Meyer Wiener .'
Dr. Wouldn't submit his name....

1 MORE

Baby's First Doctor Visit
This made me laugh out loud. I hope it will give you a smile!
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied..
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is
underweight. You don't have any milk.'
I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma,
But I'm glad I came.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good morning everyboomie. wave

Get in here and have a seat, and welcome to the diner! welcome

Time to snap too, and get a nuther diner day going, eh? thumbsup

Mine starts at 3:30. Anyone want to join me or go in my place maybe?

I have to get through four work days in order to get to my next one day off, and then four more. rolleyes

Nobody ever said life is a breeze.

Well maybe they did, but what do they know anyway? razz

It's getting harder, and harder for me to get high on life.

I believe I may have to revert back to something that's less mataphorical. cool

Kidding.... wink

I can't get it to grow. rotfl

Have a happy day everyone.

joe


Edited by gymcandy1 (04/21/13 07:54 PM)
_________________________
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers

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#882610 - 04/21/13 07:57 PM Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Online   happy
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 65551
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
I'm refusing to head into Monday, I have way too much to do before it gets here. lol

Joe, have a wonderful day! I hope the 4 days go by fast for you.

Tonight is Salsa night, so no matter how much sleep I need to lose to get caught up in the corner, I am going dancing! yay

Have a happy day everyone!

Ana wave
_________________________
Don't feed the Trolls

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#882613 - 04/21/13 09:05 PM Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1]
Space Quest Fan Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 02/17/01
Posts: 9656
Loc: Columbus,Ohio USA
Thanks for the jokes Joe. lol
_________________________
It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.

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#882635 - 04/21/13 11:26 PM Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Online   happy
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 65551
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Have a great day SpaceQ!
_________________________
Don't feed the Trolls

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#882642 - 04/22/13 12:18 AM Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1]
BobH Offline
Addicted Boomer

Registered: 10/14/11
Posts: 1911
Loc: 47.79N, 122.24W
Ana, I also have a lot to catch up on before Monday. I'm going to get what I can done tonight but I'm also trying to get my sleep schedule back to a more reasonable hour. Wish me luck! smile
_________________________
Bob
I've learned that if you're too busy to help a friend, you're too busy.

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#882643 - 04/22/13 12:21 AM Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1]
manxman Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 07/23/02
Posts: 15570
Loc: Unionville
Good morning everyone. Hope you all have a great start to the week wave
_________________________
Sometimes lost is where you need to be. Just because you don't know your direction doesn't mean you don't have one.

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#882652 - 04/22/13 02:46 AM Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1]
Haroula Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 8004
Loc: Greece
Good morning boomers,have all a nice day wave
_________________________
Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.



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#882667 - 04/22/13 05:43 AM Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1]
GBC Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 07/06/07
Posts: 14710
Loc: Massachusetts
Good Morning Boomers

Joe, hope your days go by quickly till your next day off.

Ana, wishing you an easy corner day and a fun Salsa night.

Space, Bob and Manxman sweet dreams.

Haroula, happy day is wished for you today.

Where is everyone this morning? I'll put the coffee on.
_________________________
Gail

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#882670 - 04/22/13 05:53 AM Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1]
Kaki's Sister Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 11/21/04
Posts: 17500
Loc: Marlborough USA
Good Morning Joe, Ana. SpaceQ, BogH, Haroula and GBC. Thanks for putting the coffee on GBC. I slept in this morning! A first for me. Joe hope the work day flies by. Ana have fun "dancing"! SpaceQ,and BobH time to rise and shine. Haroula enjoy your day. Cailyn hope all is well with you. A great Day wished for all! wave
_________________________
Gerry

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#882675 - 04/22/13 06:07 AM Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1]
venus Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 03/07/09
Posts: 5629
Loc: Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
Well, it's time for work whoosh two of four this week. smile It's cold today, so I have to bundle up. shiver Have a great Monday, everyone. cat

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#882680 - 04/22/13 06:36 AM Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1]
Kaki's Sister Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 11/21/04
Posts: 17500
Loc: Marlborough USA
dance Good Morning and Happy Day venus! dance
_________________________
Gerry

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#882682 - 04/22/13 07:05 AM Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1]
connie Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 07/12/02
Posts: 8165
Loc: winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone. Ana, most everything will be lost to water, soot, and smoke damage. The insurance company also won't allow them to take anything out until Friday after they check it out. It's boarded up and with our humidity and rain there will be a lot of mildew. We got 3 inches of rain yesterday evening with more to follow today. To all here and all who follow, have a Great Monday. Danish, Pancakes, and French Toast in the NC. spring
_________________________
Connie

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#882697 - 04/22/13 08:40 AM Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1]
soot Offline
Puzzled Moderator
True Blue Boomer

Registered: 04/16/05
Posts: 21424
Loc: Usually up an Alabama Tree
Whoop! Whoop! It's Monday morning and I am off to work. But prior to that trip I want to wish each and every one of you a merry Monday, chock full of productivity, what ever that may entail for you. Take care and we'll see you later...

Oh my Joe .. 0330? Hmmm, might be best just to stay up and game wink

Alas Gail, I am off to work .. thank you for the coffee

Glad you were able to sleep in Gerry .. those days are good yes

I'm joining you Venus and Joe as we're off to work

Thanks for the treats Connie .. hope all is back in order the soonest

Have a great day Ana SQF Haroula ManXMan Bob and the rest of you when you are up and at em!

Whoosh...

wave

ps .. hearts L4L
_________________________
To learn, read...To know, write...To master, teach...To live, play games

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#882732 - 04/22/13 10:57 AM Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Online   happy
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 65551
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Good morning Bob, Gerry, Haroula, Manxman, Gail, soot, Connie, venus and all to follow.


I don't mean to be rude, but the corner is calling me. I must get to work. It's a beautiful sunny day today! yay
_________________________
Don't feed the Trolls

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#882736 - 04/22/13 11:03 AM Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1]
auntiegram Online   content
Adept Boomer

Registered: 06/10/06
Posts: 13757
Loc: northern Wisconsin
Joe I hope the next four fly for ya. Have fun at work! Thanks for the chuckles.

Ana hope the corner is kind today and you are able to move right along. Enjoy dance class tonight.

I see that we are in line for another storm with a possible 7-10 inches this evening and nighttime. Hope there is no rain heading your way with all the flooding you are having in that area. I din't think Spring wants to get here. lol

Space have a great day!

Bob hope you get caught up!!

Gail thanks for starting the coffee. Yummmmy! Have a lovely day!!

Gerry hope the knee is improving!

venus happy working!!! grin

Connie I hope and pray that the ins company is kind to them. I know that some things are replacable though. How sad. Sending HUGS!

Manxman have a nice day!

Haroula enjoy the day!!

Soot may work be fun and the time fly!! Have a nice day!

wave
Nan

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