Why do we have to wait for special moments to say nice things or tell people we care about them?
Randy K. Milholland, Something Positive Comic
A Father came home from a long business trip to find his young son riding a brand new bike.
"Where did you get the money for that?" he asked. "It must have cost over 300 dollars!"
"I earned it hiking," replied the boy.
"Hiking??? Come on son, tell your Dad the truth. Nobody can make that sort of money hiking. Where did you Really get the cash from?"
"It's like I say, Dad. Every night when you were gone, Mr Johnson from the bank would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a 20 dollar bill and tell me to take a hike"
Eleven women were clinging precariously to a wildly
swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping
on Mount Everest. Ten were blonde, one was a brunette.
As a group they decided that one of the party should let go.
If that didn't happen the rope would break and everyone would perish.
For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered.
Finally the brunette gave a truly touching speech saying she would
sacrifice herself to save the lives of the others.
All the blondes applauded.
A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.
For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that's bad.
Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad.
Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned.
Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!"
The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her.
I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face".
"Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"?
"Oh, about 10 minutes ago", replied the man.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Drinking Problem Signs
45 Don't recognize wife unless seen
through bottom of bottle.
46 You drink to get over a hangover.
47 That damned pink elephant followed me
48 You are the proud owner of a porcelain
bus driver's liscense.
49 The Whisky Ain't Working Anymore.
50 Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake
their heads when they walk past you.
51 You have a reserved parking space at
52 I'm as jober as a sudge!
53 You consider yourself a workaholic,
becuase every time you go to work, you
want to have a beer!
54 I slept with that damned pink elephant
55 Mosquitoes spiral down to the ground
in circles after biting you.
56 Newt Gingrich.... he's soooo sexy.
57 You find yourself in a room on a train
arriving in Tiajuana and the last thing
you remember is being in a bar in NYC!
58 Your name is Ted Kennedy.
59 You wake up in Korea in August and the
last thing you remember is the Fourth of
July party in Waikiki.
60 Red dog upside down looks like batman
eating a catwoman.
61 You've fallen and you can't/(don't
want to) get up.
62 You don't drink. (That's a problem!)
63 When hangovers become an attractive
64 BeerTender! Get me another Bar!
65 Boris Yeltsin tries to get you to join
66 The shrubbery's drunk from frequent
67 Do you take this woman..
68 You wake up too groggy to come up with
anything funny for this [blip] list.
69 You realize you have shaved your head
except for a little rat tail hanging
from the top and you're pestering people
to buy incense & [blip].
70 Your only friends are Jack, Johnnie,
71 Double vision so much the norm, you
can't function w/o it.
72 You listen to the radio and start
dancing to hootie and the blowfish.
73 Because you're not as think you are
drunk I am...
74 salt, sugar, grease, carbohydrates -
yes, alcohol is the fifth food group.
75 Your favorite drink is ethanol.
76 Why does everybody think I have a
77 You can't remember what your family
looks like... or if you have a family.
78 You wake up surrounded by 50 dented
cases of SPAM.
79 You like SPAM.
80 You get defensive when someone asks if
you have drinking problem.
81 Haven't stopped drinking since Carter
82 I don't have a drinking prob.. pleb..
prub..hic Pash me another, tarbender.
83 You spend a whole night holding up
walls to prevent their (your) collapse.
84 The opposite wall is covered with
ceiling tiles and there are rows of light
85 When you feel drunk is feeling
sophisticated when you can't say it.
86 When you feel that beauty lies in the
hands of the beer holder.
87 When you read about the evils of
drinking, and give up reading.
88 When you feel reality is an illusion
that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk.
"People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go to with our own problems."
"Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each other out right now?"
They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can."
The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me."
The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."
Good morning everyboomie.
My schedule has been changed due to the fact that my department manager's step-father passed away, so I've been asked to open today (Friday).
I think most of it will be overtime.
I'm getting this posted now of course, so I can hit the crib ASAP.
There'll be no gaming tonight......
Gotta have my beauty rest.
I found out yesterday that we bonused this quarter at work, AND,
it was the maximum bonus to boot. That will mean an extra $700 or more in my paycheck, whenever it comes in a week or two.
Of course after taxes it won't be quite that much, but it'll still be a good chunk.
To celebrate, I'm going to buy my sister something she can ride.
Have a happy day everyone.