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#913613 - 09/13/13 07:48 PM Saturdiner
gymcandy1 Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 29997
Loc: Mead, Oklahoma
Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored.
George Saunders, last words
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The hunchback of notre dame dies so they need to find a new bell-ringer. this guy with no arms comes along and says he can do it. "but you've got no arms!" everyone explains. He says I'll use my mouth.
So he uses his mouth to ring the bell and goes flying out of the window because the bell is so heavy.
He's lying dead on the ground and a big crowd gathers.
"who's that guy?" one person says.
"I dunno, but his face rings a bell!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

During his visit to the United States the Pope met with President Clinton. Instead of just an hour as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days. Finally, a weary President Clinton emerged to face the waiting news media. The President was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success. He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed. Then Mr. Clinton declared he was going home to the White House to be with his family. A few minutes later the Pope came out to make his statement. He looked tired, discouraged and was practically in tears. Sadly he announced his meeting with the President was a failure. Incredulous, one reporter asked, "But your Holiness, President Clinton just announced the summit was a great success and the two of you agreed on 80% of the items discussed." Exasperated, the Pope answered, "Yes, but we were talking about the Ten Commandments.".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?" The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!" The patrolman says, "May I see your license?" The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!" The woman gave the officer her license. The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen." The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?" And the old man yells, "He said he knows you!".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


How Dogs and Men Are the Same 1. Both take up too much space on the bed. 2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning. 3. Both mark their territory. 4. Neither tells you what's bothering them. 5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous. 6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches. 7. Neither does any dishes. 8. Both [blip] shamelessly. 9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut. 10. Both like dominance games. 11. Both are suspicious of the postman. 12. Neither understands what you see in cats. How Dogs Are Better Than Men 1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public. 2. Dogs miss you when you're gone. 3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong. 4. Dogs admit when they're jealous. 5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out. 6. Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw). 7. You can train a dog. 8. Dogs are easy to buy for. 9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas (OK, really, the worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you). 10. Dogs understand what "no" means. 11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


One day a man and his wife are playing golf at their home course. On a certain par four, the man tees it up and hits a big slice into the woods. They find his ball directly behind one of the greenskeeper's buildings where equipment is stored, so that he can't play toward the green at all. "[blip]!" the man says, "I'll have to play sideways to get back on the fairway. I'll make five at best." But his wife, who had been looking things over, said "Look, this shed has double doors at both ends. If we open them up, you can hit a low shot right through the building toward the green." The man congratulated his wife on her cleverness and they set up for the shot. But the ball hit the top of the far doorframe and came whistling back, striking his wife in the temple and killing her dead on the spot. A year or so later, the same man was playing the same par 4 and hit his tee shot in almost exactly the same spot as before, right behind the building. As he is cursing his luck and preparing to swing, one of his playing partners says, "Wait, look we can open these double doors and..." "No way," the man says, cutting him off. "I was here last year and tried that shot and ended up making a six."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A new preacher told his wife he was going to preach on water skiing.
She said you can't preach on water skiing. If you do I am not going, so she stayed home in the house behind the church. As the preacher listened to the singing and got ready to preach and thought, I don't know anything about water skiing, I think I'll preach on sex.
After church a deacon walked by the house and told the preachers wife it sure was a good sermon.
The preachers wife said I'm really surprised. He only tried it twice and fell off both times.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Bill and Hillary are out driving in the country near Hillary `s hometown. They are low on fuel, so Bill pulls into a gas station for a fill-up. The attendant comes out and begins to pump gas into the first couple's tank. As he is doing this, he looks into the passenger window.

"Hey, Hillary. We used to date in high school, do you remember me?" he asks. They chat for a few minutes, Bill pays and the first couple leaves.

As they drive Bill is feeling very proud of himself and looks over at Hillary. "You used to date that guy? Just think what it would be like if you had married him," he says smugly.

Hillary looks at Bill and shrugs. The she replies, "Well I guess you'd be pumping gas and he would be the President."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good morning everyboomie. welcome

I think I'll have my coffee and reflect on what this day might have in store for me.

I told my Dr the other day that I'm sure I'll be pushing up daisies soon. She asked why I thought so, and I told her that every day when I wake up something else hurts. It's as if I'm getting older or something.

I told my sister if we lose our jobs I can use the arrowheads I've found to hunt food with, but she didn't get the point.

She said, "You can throw them THAT hard??" rolleyes

When I was going to sleep last night I was trying to put everything out of my mind, but a thought occurred to me.

Today is be kind to a witch day, so I gave my sister a new heater.

I saw this guy out of my window and I asked him if he could perform Singing In the Rain for me.

I said it might make you feel better.


It worked for Gene Kelly.


Have a happy day everyone.

Remember when life gives you tomatos make tomato juice.

joe


Edited by gymcandy1 (09/13/13 07:52 PM)
_________________________
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers

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#913618 - 09/13/13 08:18 PM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
manxman Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 07/23/02
Posts: 14953
Loc: Unionville
Thanks for the laughs Joe lol Hope everyone has a super saturday thumbsup
_________________________
Sometimes lost is where you need to be. Just because you don't know your direction doesn't mean you don't have one.

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#913629 - 09/13/13 09:19 PM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
Happy Birthday flutist Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 07/17/01
Posts: 11383
Loc: Kirkwood, MO USA
Hi Joe. Hi Manxman. How are you two old coots doing? lol Just kidding.

I'm ready to shut down and go read for a bit then go night night.

Have a good evening/day.

Bets
_________________________
Corgis fill your life with Joy, your heart with Love, and your soul with Sunshine.

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#913636 - 09/13/13 10:19 PM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Online   happy
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 64768
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
lol Joe! THanks for the chuckles. And just so you know, there is no pushing up daisies for you for a very long time. hearts You need to clear that with us first. kissy

manxman, have a great day!

Bets, anything fun for the weekend?

Have a wonderful day everyone!

Ana wave
_________________________
Don't feed the Trolls

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#913646 - 09/14/13 02:34 AM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
Haroula Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 7617
Loc: Greece
Good morning Joe,manxman,Bets,Ana and all who follow later. wave
Cleaning day so... happydancehappy day everyone. smile
_________________________

Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.



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#913649 - 09/14/13 04:01 AM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
Kaki's Sister Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 11/21/04
Posts: 17054
Loc: Marlborough USA
Good Morning Joe, manxman, Bets, Ana, Haroula and all on the way to the diner. Coffee is on Sue. Hope you all have a wonderful Saturday! wave
_________________________
Gerry

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#913654 - 09/14/13 06:35 AM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
connie Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 07/12/02
Posts: 8039
Loc: winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone. Joe, I'm with Ana no pushing up daisies. Ana, hubby is doing good, except for the heat bothering him. We're back to walking, but have to cut it shorter. My knee still doesn't like to much exercise. It swells and hurts when I overdo, but I can't handle doing nothing. To all here and all who follow, have a Great Saturday. We are going to the Farmer's Market and lunch at the German resturant today. Danish, Cinnamon Buns and Banana Nut Pancakes in the NC. summer
_________________________
Connie

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#913655 - 09/14/13 06:40 AM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
GBC Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 07/06/07
Posts: 14354
Loc: Massachusetts
Good Morning Boomers

Joe, have a great day!

Manxman, good morning.

Haroula, happy cleaning day!

Bets, sweet dreams. See you when you awake.

Ana, enjoy whatever the day brings today. I miss the girls while they're in school all day.

Gerry, thanks for the coffee.

Sue, see you when you come in.

Connie, good day is wished for you.

Hope everyone enjoys the weekend. Not sure what's on the agenda today but dog walking will be a start. puppy
_________________________
Gail

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#913661 - 09/14/13 09:34 AM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
auntiegram Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 06/10/06
Posts: 13604
Loc: northern Wisconsin
Joe thanks for the laughs!! Great way to lstart a new day!!

Have a wonderful first part of the weekend Bets, Ana, Haroula, Manxman, Gerry, Connie, Gail!!!

I am off to help granddaughter move to her own place!!!

wave
Nan

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#913671 - 09/14/13 10:55 AM Re: Saturdiner [Re: auntiegram]
Space Quest Fan Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 02/17/01
Posts: 9487
Loc: Columbus,Ohio USA
Have a great Saturday everyone.
_________________________
It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.

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#913674 - 09/14/13 11:16 AM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Online   happy
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 64768
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Good morning boomies! Off to run the dogs and then thinking of going to the city to go bike riding at the lake with Peter. I miss him.

SpaceQ, anything fun planned for the weekend?

Nan, be careful moving granddaughter. I hope she enjoys her new space.

Gail, it's a lovely chilly day for a walk here. I hope it's a bit warmer by you.

Connie, have you tried a compression sleeve for you knee?

Gerry, thanks for the coffee!

Sue, hope all is well.

Haroula, yesterday was my cleaning day. Hope it gets done quickly.

My allergies or a cold has taken it's grip on me. I tried to refuse delivery yesterday but I failed miserably. lol
_________________________
Don't feed the Trolls

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#913679 - 09/14/13 11:37 AM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
Happy Birthday flutist Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 07/17/01
Posts: 11383
Loc: Kirkwood, MO USA
Well, it is a good morning. 55 degrees when we got up. Nice. Took Cory for his walk then got busy and got all my vacuuming done. Yippee. Bill is after me to dust downstairs. He creates it, but what can I say.

Aw Ana, hope you feel better soonest. We are going over to friends for dinner. Don't know if we will get together with Susie and Vince. Depends on how she is doing.

Hi Space Q, Nan, Gerry, Sue, Harcoula, Connie, Gail and whoever comes in later. Have a great day everyone.

Bets wave
_________________________
Corgis fill your life with Joy, your heart with Love, and your soul with Sunshine.

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#913683 - 09/14/13 11:52 AM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
Sorta Blonde Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 11/29/04
Posts: 7182
Loc: San Diego, CA
Joe, I look forward to your 'sister bashing jokes'. Reminds me of MY sister. Love her dearly, I think I'll send her the arrowhead comment. rotfl
_________________________
WARNING! This person is extremely blonde...please type SLOWLY.

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#913726 - 09/14/13 02:28 PM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
Haroula Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 7617
Loc: Greece
This is not a joκe,it really happens yes
My mum took my grandmother to the doctor.
The doctor asks my grand how old are you?
Αnd she replied 75(she is 95) lol
My mother said mum I m 68 you cant be 75years old...
lol


Edited by Haroula (09/14/13 02:28 PM)
_________________________

Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.



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#913729 - 09/14/13 02:42 PM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Online   happy
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 64768
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Bets, it was 44 here. Not ready for the cold. lol
Great that you don't have to cook tonight.

Sorta, I look forward to the sister wisecracks too! grin

Haroula rotfl Your grandmother sounds wonderful! Too cute.
_________________________
Don't feed the Trolls

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