Iron rusts from disuse; stagnant water loses its purity and in cold weather becomes frozen; even so does inaction sap the vigor of the mind.
Leonardo da Vinci (1452 - 1519), The Notebooks
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Unit Conversion
Here is the official unit conversion chart for engineers...1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2,000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
5. Weight one evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone
14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
16. 2,000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
17. 52 cards = 1 decacards
18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton
19. 1,000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
22. 10 rations = 1 decoration
23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration
24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms
26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League
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Using The ATM
The differences between how a woman and a man uses a drive-through banking machine. Here is his and hers ATM usage explained...
HIS
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt
HER
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for wrapper with PIN number written on it
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in gear, reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake
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Welfare Letters
The following are sentences taken from actual letters received by welfare departments on applications for support:I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.
I am writing the welfare department to say my baby was born 2 years old. When do I get my money?
Mrs. Jones had not have any clothes for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy.
I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why.
I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.
This is my eight child. What are you going to do about it.
Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am living with can't eat or drink until he knows.
I am very much annoyed to find that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.
In answer to your letter, I gave birth to a boy weighing ten pounds: I hope this is satisfactory.
I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my three children; one of which is a mistake as you can see.
My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since.
Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.
You have changed my little boy into a girl. Will this make any difference.
I have no children as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day.
In accordance with your instruction, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.
I want money as quick as I can get, so I have been in bed with doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve I will have to send for another doctor.
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Good morning everyboomie.
This is another quickie I'm afraid.
I need to go lock myself in my room and achieve a little solitude before this day is over, and before I go postal.
I hope everyone had a super day.
G'night everyone.
joe