YAHOO!!
In the end, everything is a gag.
Charlie Chaplin (1889 - 1977)
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Wife JokesTwo secrets to keep your marriage brimming...
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
- Patrick Murra
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....
- Nash
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
- Anonymous
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
- Henny Youngman
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
- Rodney Dangerfield
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
- Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
- Anonymous
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Windows Messages
The following are new Windows messages that are supposedly under consideration for the planned Windows 7...
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."
To "shut down" your system, type "WIN"
BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
User Error: Replace user.
Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.
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Wise Thoughts
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet
and they won't bother you for weeks.
Some people are like Slinkies... not really good for anything, but you still can't
help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs...
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut
saves you thirty cents?
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Women And Dogs
WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WOMENDogs don't cry (unless they have to pee).
Dogs love it when your friends come over.
Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.
Dogs think you sing great.
A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.
The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you
Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
Dogs are excited by rough play.
Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
Dogs understand that passing gas is funny.
Dogs love red meat.
Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
Anyone can get a good-looking dog.
If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
Dogs don't shop.
Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
A dog's parents never visit.
Dogs love long car trips.
Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted.
When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it.
Dogs like beer.
Dogs don't hate their bodies.
No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie & the Blowfish album.
No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.
Dogs never criticize.
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
Dogs never expect gifts.
It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.
Dogs don't worry about germs.
Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.
Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet, desk, and the back of your sock drawer.
Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.
You never have to wait for a dog, they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.
Dogs don't borrow your shirts.
Dogs never want foot-rubs.
Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
Dogs can't talk. Dogs aren't catty.
Dogs seldom outlive you.
HOW DOGS AND WOMEN ARE ALIKE
Both look stupid in hats.
Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting.
Both tend to have "hip" problems.
Neither understand football.
Both look good in a fur coat.
Both are good at pretending that they're listening to every word you say.
Neither believe that silence is golden.
Both constantly want back rubs.
Neither can balance a check book.
You can never tell what either of them is thinking.
Both put too much value on kissing.
HOW WOMEN ARE BETTER THAN DOGS
It is socially acceptable to have sexual relations with a woman.
Women look good in sweaters.
Women leave the room to pass gas.
Though they only have two, women's breasts are far more interesting.
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Good morning everyboomie.
I'm like totally off for 24 hours, but totally wiped out from the week.
I need a few days off instead of one. Like 92.....no....94 would be ok.
In the mean time I'm on the verge, and you know what I'm like when I'm on the verge.
I make little sense.
Ok no jokes about how I must 'always' be on the verge.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
the verge of WHAT?