I never feel age...If you have creative work, you don't have age or time.
Louise Nevelson (1900 - 1988), 1980
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I was in the airport VIP lounge en route to Seattle a couple of weeks ago. While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink. I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late. Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft Chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor."
"Yes?"
"I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, "and I'm waiting on a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say, 'Hi, Mark'"
"Sure."
I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat.
About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business. A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates.
"Hi, Mark" he said.
I replied, "Get lost, Gates, I'm in a meeting."
~~~~~~~~~~~
A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace the
aging doctor there. The older doctor suggested that the younger doctor accompany him as he made his house calls so that the people of the community could become accustomed to
him.
At the first house they visited, the younger doctor listened intently as the older doctor and an older lady discussed the weather, their grandchildren and the latest church bulletin.
After some time, the older doctor asked his patient how she
had been feeling.
"I`ve been a little sick to my stomach," she replied.
"Well," said the older physician, "you`ve probably been
over doing it a bit with the fresh fruit. Why don`t you cut back
on the amount of fresh fruit you eat and see if that helps."
As they left the house, the younger doctor asked how the older doctor had reached his diagnosis so quickly.
"You didn`t even examine that woman," the younger doctor stated.
"I didn`t have to," the elder physician explain. "You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there. Well when I bent over to pick it up, I looked around and noticed a
half dozen banana peels in the trash can. That is probably what has been making her ill."
"That`s pretty sneaky," commented the younger doctor. "Do you mind if I try it at the next house?"
"I don`t suppose it could hurt anything," the elder physician replied.
At the next house, the two doctors visited with an elderly widow. They spent several minutes discussing the weather and grandchildren and the latest church bulletin. After several
minutes, the younger doctor asked the widow how she had been feeling lately.
"I`ve felt terribly run down lately," the widow replied. "I just don`t have as much energy as I used to."
"You`ve probably been doing too much work for the church,"
the younger doctor suggested without even examining his patient. "Perhaps you should ease up a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder physician said, "Your diagnosis is probably right, but do you mind telling me how you came to that conclusion?"
"Sure," replied the younger doctor. "Just like you, I dropped my stethoscope on the floor. When I bent down to pick it up, I looked around and there was the preacher hiding
under the bed!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three newly incarcerated convicts are discussing how they will pass their time in jail.
The first one pulls out a harmonica and says "I can play all my favorite songs on this."
The second takes out a deck of cards. "I can play poker with myself with these."
The third gets out a box of tampons. "Well, it says on here that with these I can go swimming, horseback riding, cycling, ..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two drunks are walking along.
One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night... look at the moon."
The other drunk stops and look at his drunk friend, "You are wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun."
They started arguing for a while when they came upon another drunk walking, so they stopped him.
"Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?"
The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
There's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like an old salt, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and the bird's foul mouth is driving him nuts.
One day, it just gets to be too much and the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!"
But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets angry and says, "OK for you," and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would
make a sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din.
The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird meekly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The man is astounded and amazed at the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the CHICKEN DO?"
~~~~~~~~~~
A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee.
He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem.
Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.
The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.
When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you".
The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"
~~~~~~~~~~
A WW II American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a supplyboat to a supply base in the south of England, then caught a train to London. The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit down.
Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her.
"Could I please sit in that seat" he asked. The lady was insulted. "You Americans are so rude." she said, "Cant you see my dog is sitting there?"
He walked through the train more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place.
"Lady, I love dogs - have a couple at home- so I would be glad to hold your dog if I can sit down." he said.
The lady replied "You Americans are not only rude, you are arrogant."
He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said "Lady, Ive been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time. Could I please sit there and hold your dog?
"The lady replied "You Americans are not only rude and arrogant.You are also obnoxious."
With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, threw it out the window, and sat down. The lady was speechless.
An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up. "Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the ladys description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong "b" out of the window."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. A half hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.
"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.
"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. A half hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.
"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late." The student looked incredulous and angry.
"Do you know WHO I am?"
"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor.
"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again.
"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.
"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning everyboomie.
Another day, another dollar way down here in Butcher Holler.
Thursday means it ain't Wednesday anymore, and that means one more day till Friday. Woot Woot!
I'm not happy bout that, no, I'm happy cause it's only two more days till the weekend. YEAH!! Now THAT'S what I'm talkin bout!
It looks like my closing has been pushed back a week until the 31st. More lawyer stuff.
I haven't heard from our Realtor, but one of the guys who is looking at our place was in Lowe's today, and he said he's still interested, and waiting to hear from the Realtor. He also said that if he buys it I can come out any time I want and walk around the place.
Awesome........
I think I'll get outta my clothes and go to bed now.
This Superman costume is starting to itch.
Have a happy day everyone.
joe