Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober, responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and immature.
Tom Robbins (1936 - )
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After a Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says "Hey Sen~or, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guiness sits down and says "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guiness?" and the Guiness resident replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."
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Mrs.O'Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin, and coming in the opposite direction was Father Rafferty. "Hello," said the Father, "and how is Mrs.O'Donovan? Didn't I marry you two years ago?" She replied "That you did Father." The priest asked, "And are there any little ones yet?" "No, not yet Father," said she. "Well, now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for you." "Thank you, Father." And away she went.
A few years later they met again. "Well, now, Mrs. O'Donovan," said the Father, "how are you?" "Oh, very well," said she. "And tell me," he said, "have you any little ones yet?" "Oh yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins, and four singles -- ten in all." "Now isn't that wonderful," he said "And how is your lovely husband?" "Oh," she said, "he's gone to Rome. To blow out the [blip] candle!
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A man with no arms walked in to a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender shoved the foaming glass in front of him.
"Look," said the customer, "I have no arms - would you please hold the glass up to my mouth?"
"Sure", said the bartender, and he did.
"Now," said the customer, "I wonder if you'd be so kind as to get my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth."
"Certainly." And it was done.
"If you'd reach in my right hand pants pocket," said the armless
man, "you'll find the money for the beer."
The bartender got it.
"You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more.
Where is the men's room?"
"Out the door," said the bartender, "turn left, walk two blocks,
and there's one in a filling station on the corner."
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Three guys work on a constuction site. One is white, one is black and one is Polish. The bell rings for lunch and the white man opens his lunchbag and sighs deeply, saying, ''If my wife packs me a ham sandwich again tomorrow I'm jumping off the building.'' The black guy opens up his lunch, glares and says '' If my wife packs me a ham sandwich again tomorrow, I'm going with you." The Polish man opens his lunch, pulls out another ham sandwich, and says ''I'm with you guys.''
The next day the lunch bell rings.The white man opens his lunch. He says, ''Turkey sandwich. I love my wife.'' The black guy opens his lunch. He says, ''Chicken sandwich. I love my wife. The Polish man opened his lunchbox, looked stricken, and said '' See ya guys.'' With that, he jumped off the building. The black guy says '' I feel sorry for him. ''The white man replies, ''Why?'' The black guy said, ''Because he packs his own lunch."
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A pregnant woman goes to the doctor for results of a test. The doctor invites her in to sit down.
"I'm sorry to tell you, Mrs. Smith, that your baby has some serious problems."
"What problems, doctor? I mean, when it arrives, I'll love it. It's my child and I'll love it regardless."
"Well, yes, of course,... but your child has no legs."
"Oh dear. Well, it's my child, and I'll love it regardless."
"And it hasn't got any arms either."
"What?"
"Exactly what I said. Your child doesn't have a body, or a face. In
fact, your child is only a very, very big ear."
"Oh my God! This is terrible! Well, it's my child, and I'll love it.
I'll learn all the lullabies in the world to sing to it."
"Mrs. Smith, one last thing.... Unfortunately, your child is deaf."
DID YOU EAR THAT??? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Good morning Boomers.
Super Duper Hump Day to you all.
I have the morning off, and close tonight and tomorrow night.
I'm hoping my sister shows up here this morning. Last night I went back over to the other house to check things out, and leave food for Sambo, the cat we couldn't seem to corral. He only comes back to the house at night, so I went over there as late as I could, and I called for him as I always do, and since I haven't been back there in 3 days I heard him meowing. I kept calling him and he finally came running up from the woods. He was hungry, but really missing some affection. I was able to get him in the pet carrier to bring him back with me. Since I let him out in my house, he has stayed under my bed. I text my sister to come and get him.
He'll be happier if she can reunite him with Tiffie, the female cat that my sister took to Texas with her.
Meanwhile, I'm trying to break Baby from table food, and making some progress, when today at the old house she sniffs out a mole, in the ground, and digs it up and eats it.
Gotta have that fresh meat.
I'm sure the new owner will appreciate one less mole tunneling around his yard.
Have a happy day everybody.
joe