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Sip and Surf Sunday #1135465
12/16/17 08:33 PM
12/16/17 08:33 PM
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 33,073
Calera, Oklahoma
gymcandy1 Offline OP
Joe's Diner Proprietor
gymcandy1  Offline OP
Joe's Diner Proprietor
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 33,073
Calera, Oklahoma
Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful.

~Norman Vincent Peale~
``````````````````````

Once upon a time, there was an officer of the Royal Navy named Captain Bravado who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship approaching, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravado bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the mighty pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on deck recounting the triumph of earlier. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"

The Captain replied, "If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the Captain and waited for his usual orders.

Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants."

```````````

The doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at
breakfast.

As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his
wife,

"You aren't that good in bed either!"

By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned
home. After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered
the phone.

"What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?"

"I was in bed."

"What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?"

"Getting a second opinion."

`````````````

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line.

If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."

````````````

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead.

The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows.

The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too." The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.

The vet brings in a black labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks.

The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes.
The vet answers, "$650."

"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man.

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."

``````````

The policeman signals to an car driver to pull over to the side of the road, due to the fact that he appears to be driving erratically. He says to the driver, "You appear to have been drinking!"

The driver answers, "No sir, I am just tired."

The policeman looks into the car and notices that the driver is a priest! He also notices that there is an empty bottle on the floor. He says to the driver, "What is, or should I say was in this bottle?

The driver answers, "Water!"

The policeman says, "It is not, it's wine!"

The driver looks up to the heavens and says, "Oh Lord, you have done it again!"

```````````

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.
The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat." "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table." "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank.
The magician found himself floating on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another.
After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?".

```````````

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

``````````````


The 13 Biggest Lies


13. The check is in the mail.

12. You get this one, I'll pay next time.

11. You look great.

10. Of course I love you.

9. It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing.

8. ...but we can still be good friends.

7. She means nothing to me.

6. Don't worry, I can go another 20 miles when the gauge is on "empty."

5. Don't worry, he's never bitten anyone.

4. I'll call you later.

3. I've never done anything like this before.

2. I'm from your government, and I am here to help you.

1. I DO.

````````````````````

Good morning everyboomie. santadance


It's actually a chilly, rainy Saturday night here. wink12


Beau's mom couldn't make it over here today, so I'm settling in for an evening of football with two little fur babies at my side. bravo12


We got upin the mid 60s today, but it did not feel that warm when we went parking, because of the stiff breeze. duh12


Sunday will be football most of the day, because Dallas doesn't play until 7:00 at night. happydance12


I guess I can handle a nuther full day of football. grinch


Have a happy day everyone. christmas


joe


There are no strangers here; Only friends you haven’t yet met.

William Butler Yeats
Re: Sip and Surf Sunday [Re: gymcandy1] #1135478
12/16/17 11:20 PM
12/16/17 11:20 PM
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 81,634
In the Naughty Corner
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
BrownEyedTigre  Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 81,634
In the Naughty Corner
Glad you get another day to snuggle with Beau, Joe! I think today will be a slug day for me!

Have a happy day all!

Ana wave12


Don't feed the Trolls
Re: Sip and Surf Sunday [Re: gymcandy1] #1135486
12/17/17 05:23 AM
12/17/17 05:23 AM
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 24,373
Marlborough USA
Kaki's Sister Offline
True Blue Boomer
Kaki's Sister  Offline
True Blue Boomer

Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 24,373
Marlborough USA
tree Good Morning Joe, Ana and all. Coffee, tea, and hot chocolate are ready.
Wishing everyone a sunny day! tree


Gerry
Re: Sip and Surf Sunday [Re: gymcandy1] #1135490
12/17/17 08:20 AM
12/17/17 08:20 AM
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 14,843
winter springs fl.
connie Offline
Adept Boomer
connie  Offline
Adept Boomer

Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 14,843
winter springs fl.
tree Good morning everyone, have a Wonderful Sunday. Breakfast out and a Sam's trip today. Danish, Eggs, Grits, Hash Browns, BB Pancakes, Sausage, Ham, Bacon, Biscuits and Gravy, and French Toast in the NC. reindeer


Connie
Re: Sip and Surf Sunday [Re: gymcandy1] #1135499
12/17/17 10:56 AM
12/17/17 10:56 AM
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 18,262
Massachusetts
GBC Offline
Graduate Boomer
GBC  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 18,262
Massachusetts
Good Morning Boomers santadance
Joe, enjoy your football. Have a great day!

Ana, enjoy your slug day!

Gerry, coffee to go please.

Connie, enjoy your breakfast out.

Off to church. Wishing everyone a great day! tree


Gail
Re: Sip and Surf Sunday [Re: gymcandy1] #1135510
12/17/17 12:14 PM
12/17/17 12:14 PM
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 35,016
Alabama
soot Offline
Puzzled Moderator
soot  Offline
Puzzled Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 35,016
Alabama
Good morning Joe Ana Gerry Connie Gail L4L and the rest Diner Gang when you're up this Sunday laugh

Had a great time last night with the grand boys at the Camellia Bowl...their team didn't win but we still had a blast...lots of hooting and hollering from both sides of the stadium

Happy football day to you Joe

Good slugging to you Ana..all day long

Have fun at Sam's Connie..drive safe

Drive safe to/from church Gail

I'm off to garden, game and then we'll be leaving to go watch Star Wars VIII .. The Last Jedi

wave2


Dan
...
To learn, read...To know, write...To master, teach...To live, play games & listen to whale music Stay Smart & Stay Safe
Re: Sip and Surf Sunday [Re: gymcandy1] #1135513
12/17/17 12:28 PM
12/17/17 12:28 PM
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 14,623
northern Wisconsin
auntiegram Offline
Adept Boomer
auntiegram  Offline
Adept Boomer

Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 14,623
northern Wisconsin
Joe enjoy the games and thanks for the laughs!

Ana enjoy your slug day!

Gerry thanks for the coffee!

Connie have fun out and thanks for the Danish!

Gail enjoy church!!

Soot enjoy the movie!

May you all have a lovely day!!

wave12
Nan

Re: Sip and Surf Sunday [Re: gymcandy1] #1135515
12/17/17 12:43 PM
12/17/17 12:43 PM
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 9,843
San Diego, CA
Sorta Blonde Offline
BAAG Specialist
Sorta Blonde  Offline
BAAG Specialist

Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 9,843
San Diego, CA
What fun. I was using some of that pre-mixed cement patch for the huge hole in my front walkway and my friend comes up for TV watching and although I warned him the first trip past the 'danger' he forgot on the second time and stepped smack dab into it. Duh. Was funny. Luckily it had set up enough to not get onto his shoe! Still pliable this am after 20 hours of drying. AND I have to give it several more coats to build up to the level. Not sure the pre-mix stuff will do the job. I also bought some 'Quickcrete' which will be my next try if this first one goes belly up. AND then if they both fail, it's jack-hammer out the entire 3x20 foot walk and replace it with nice red bricks. Always wanted to do that. Just have to find the time, energy, and most of all...money. hardwall


WARNING! This person is extremely blonde...please type SLOWLY.
Re: Sip and Surf Sunday [Re: gymcandy1] #1135538
12/17/17 06:23 PM
12/17/17 06:23 PM
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,894
Alabama
looney4labs Offline
Moderator
looney4labs  Offline
Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,894
Alabama
Back from the movie. Lots of fun was had by all. We liked the movie. I loved the owls and crystal dogs wave12

Last edited by looney4labs; 12/17/17 06:23 PM.

"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras
Re: Sip and Surf Sunday [Re: gymcandy1] #1135557
12/17/17 10:05 PM
12/17/17 10:05 PM
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 81,634
In the Naughty Corner
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
BrownEyedTigre  Offline
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 81,634
In the Naughty Corner
Today was a slug day. I really had a list of things that need to get done, but I threw them aside and have been gaming. Something I haven't done in ages! I love it!


Don't feed the Trolls
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