Christmas is not a time nor a season, but a state of mind. To cherish peace and goodwill, to be plenteous in mercy, is to have the real spirit of Christmas.
Telemarketer Torture 2004
What to do when your dinner is interrupted:
- Ask them if they've got beer
- Start speaking in tongues
- Tell them that person doesn't live there anymore. Give them the number of an adult service and tell them that it is her/his new number
- Tell them that you're not there right now
- Ask them if they accept coupons
- Start selling them something else
- If someone calls soliciting donations, tell them you're poor and ask for money instead
- Start preaching your religion to them
- Pretend you're a recording and say "The number you have reached is not in service. Please check the number and dial again, or talk to your operator for assistance. Recording A4." Extra points for imitating the 3 rising tones at the beginning.
- Try to hypnotise the telemarketer
- Play a recording of a busy signal
- Put on some really annoying music and put the phone up to the stereo.
- Ask the telemarketer if he/she is single. Then try hitting on him/her. Be sure to mention your various medical problems, your fascination with odd smells and your shrine to the Lawrence Welk Show.
- Use one of those voice changers to disguise your voice
- Rap all your replies to the telemarketer's questions, especially if you're white.
- Ask the TM if he/she minds if you talk to him/her on the toilet. Then take a plastic Heinz ketchup bottle and squeeze out ketchup repeatedly (if you're ever used this kind of ketchup you'll know what kind of sound this makes!!!!!)
- Speak in ragga chant
- Try to rhyme with everything the telemarketer says
- Tell the TM that the person he/she is trying to reach is a victim of black magic and has been turned into a poodle.
- Tell the TM that the person s/he is trying to reach has passed on, and that you're the ghost of him/her.
- Sell them on the "value of high colonics". Explain your "dedication to good health" in your most convincing, passionate voice.
A man walks along a lonely beach. suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG!
He looks around: nobody's there. I am having hallucinations, he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: I SAID, DIG!
So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some inches, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock. The deep voice says: OPEN !
Ok, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a rock with which to destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins. The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO !
Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest and walks to the casino. The deep voice says: ROULETTE !
So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables, where the players gaze at him with disbelief. The deep voice says: 27 !
He takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly bursts. Everybody is quiet when the croupier throws the ball. The ball stops at the 26.
The deep voice says: OH RATS!!!
A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Mr.Smith. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Mr. Smith asked: "What is the usual tip?"
"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great."
"Is that so?" snorted Mr. Smith. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."
"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."
"What are you studying in school?" asked Larry.
The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology."
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all!) When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.
To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "ticket, please."
Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor. This emperor needed a new head Samurai so he sent out a message to one and all that he was searching for one. A year passes and only 3 people show up, a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai.
The emperor asks the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opens a match box and out>pops a little fly. Whoosh goes his sword and the fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces.
The emperor says, "That is very impressive!"
The emperor then asks the Chinese Samurai to come in and demonstrate. The Chinese Samurai opens a match box and out pops a fly. Whoosh whoosh. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces. "That is really impressive."
The emperor then has the Jewish Samurai demonstrate why he should be the head Samurai. The Jewish Samurai thinks, if it works for the other two, why not try. Whoooooooossshhh. A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still alive and buzzing around.
The emperor says in disappointment, "why is the fly not dead?" The Jewish Samurai replies, "If you look closely, the fly has been circumcised!"
An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender.
He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.
The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips.
The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips.
The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.
The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times.
By the way, where is your restroom?"
The bartender quickly replies -,
"The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street."
Good morning everyboomie.
Well the Cowboys won the game last night but it's not a game that I'll be re-watching any time soon.
They won by shear-dumb-luck
from mistakes made by the Raiders!
Even if they do win their last two games, it'll take a miracle for them to make the playoffs.
Don't see that happening, but I'm being purposely negative anyway just to temp fate.
I'm going into hybernation now until next Sunday afternoon.
Have a happy day everyone.