God never gives someone a gift they are not capable of receiving. If he gives us the gift of Christmas, it is because we all have the ability to understand and receive it.
What a difference 30 years makes:
1973: Long hair
2003: Longing for hair
1973: The perfect high
2003: The perfect high yield mutual fund
1973: Acid rock
2003: Acid reflux
1973: Moving to California because it's cool
2003: Moving to California because it's warm
1973: Growing pot
2003: Growing pot belly
1973: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2003: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
1973: Seeds and stems
1973: Popping pills, smoking joints
2003: Popping joints
1973: Killer weed
2003: Weed killer
1973: Hoping for a BMW
2003: Hoping for a BM
1973: The Grateful Dead
2003: Dr. Kevorkian
1973: Going to a new, hip joint
2003: Receiving a new hip joint
1973: Rolling Stones
2003: Kidney Stones
1973: Being called into the principal's office
2003: Calling the principal's office
1973: Screw the system
2003: Upgrade the system
1973: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2003: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
1973: Taking acid
2003: Taking antacid
1973: Passing the drivers' test
2003: Passing the vision test
The hunchback of notre dame dies so they need to find a new bell-ringer. this guy with no arms comes along and says he can do it.
"But you've got no arms!" everyone explains. He says I'll use my mouth.
So he uses his mouth to ring the bell and goes flying out of the window because the bell is so heavy.
He's lying dead on the ground and a big crowd gathers.
"Who's that guy?" one person says.
"I dunno, but his face rings a bell!!"
Two friends are walking in the jungle.
Suddenly a tiger appears in the distance running toward them. One friend pulls a pair of 'Nikes' out of his bag and quickly puts them on.
With a surprised look, the other friend says, "You don't really think you can out run that tiger with those?"
"I don't need to out run the tiger", his friend replies, "I just need to run faster than you".
My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian.
He found the problem was hair in its ears and cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.
The veterinarian told the lady if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she could go to the store for 'Nair' hair remover and rub it in its ears once a month.
The lady goes to the drugstore and gets some Nair.
At the register, the druggist tells her "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady responds: "I'm not using it under my arms."
The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady answers: "I'm not using it on my legs either, and if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."
The druggist says: "In that case, stay off your bicycle for a week."
Heaven And Hell
Jeff and Mike were killed in an accident and as Jeff
arrives at the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter.
"Where's my friend Mike?"...Jeff asks the old Saint.
St. Peter replies..."Mike wasn't as fortunate as you,
instead of Heaven, he went in the other direction."
Jeff was deeply concerned by this and asks... "well
could I see Mike just one more time?"
St. Peter agreed to this, so they walked over to the
edge of Heaven and looked down.
Jeff notices Mike with a sexy blonde on one side of
him and a keg of beer on the other.
"I really don't mean to complain"...Jeff says... "but
Mike seems to have it pretty nice down in Hell."
"Look a little closer"...says St. Peter..."for that keg
has a hole in it, the blonde doesn't."
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If, however, it just sits in your living room,
messes up your stuff,
eats your food,
uses your telephone,
takes your money, and
never appears to have noticed that
you actually set it free in the first place,
You either married it or gave birth to it!
Good morning everyboomie.
Hump Day already?
It's the 20th of December, wow!
I guess it's time to start my Christmas shopping.
Just think in 11 days we'll kick start another year. Well I actually did that 15 days ago on a personal level.
I'm still hungover, and all I did was look at a picture of a six pack.
I'm finding out my tolerance levels for living the 'high life' are dropping at an alarming rate.
Even thinking about some of my past celebrations makes me light headed.
Being 'fall down stupid drunk' never was one of my favorite pastimes anyway.
Have a happy day everyone.