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Monday #1141349
02/11/18 08:29 PM
02/11/18 08:29 PM
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 33,073
Calera, Oklahoma
gymcandy1 Offline OP
Joe's Diner Proprietor
gymcandy1  Offline OP
Joe's Diner Proprietor
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 33,073
Calera, Oklahoma
I would like to die on Mars. Just not on impact.

~Elon Musk~
```````````

I advertised the following item on our local radio program:

For sale: Small push-type lawn mower. Brand-new, $40.
One person called and asked if the lawn mower was a single or double cylinder. I told him, “It depends on how fast you walk!”

```````

Natives of Baltimore, Maryland, my wife and I decided to move to the country in southwest 
Virginia for a change of pace. After we made the move, we started to notice little things about our neighbors. One we could not get over was how they gave directions.

When we asked, everyone said to go down yonder and go over yonder and go around yonder. We would say thank you, but when we got into the truck we’d look at each other and ask, “Do you know where yonder is?”
So for the first year or so, we drove around in circles. Then the other day, while we were in town shopping, someone asked us for directions.
As I told them where to go, it came to me all at once. It took some time, but yeah—now I know where yonder is. And the people there are all right.

````````

SCENE: My teenage daughter and me in the car.

Lauren: Dad, do you know what the most commonly used letter in a girl’s name is?

Me: Hmm, is it a consonant or a vowel? (Silence.) Please tell me you know what consonants and vowels are.

Lauren: You’re no fun, Dad. Forget it.

Me: What is a vowel?

Lauren: OK, OK. A vowel is … ahh … eh … well, oh … uh …

Me: Close enough.

`````````

My husband was water skiing when he fell into the river. As the boat 
circled to pick him up, he noticed a hunter sitting in a duck boat in the reeds. My husband put his hands in the air and joked, “Don’t shoot!”

The hunter responded, “Don’t quack.”

``````````

A salesman talked my uncle into buying 10,000 personalized pens for his business with the promise that 
he would be eligible to win a 32-foot yacht. A born gambler, my uncle agreed.

Well, he won, and a few weeks after the pens arrived, his prize showed up: a 12-inch plastic yacht with 
32 plastic feet glued to the bottom.

``````````

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.

“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

````````

The black lacquer stand 
holding his prized samurai swords was dusty, so my husband left our cleaning lady a note, reading, “Check out my swords.” That evening, he found the stand just as dirty as 
before but with this appended to 
his note: “Very nice swords.”

``````````

Scene: A conversation with my friend’s father, who knows I do 
Web design.

Father: I have a business idea. How hard is it to make a Facebook?

Me: Oh, very easy.

Friend: He doesn’t mean to make 
a Facebook profile. He means to 
remake all of Facebook.

Me: Oh. Very hard.

Father: Oh, OK.

``````````

The biggest change after having kids was putting a swear jar in the house. Whenever I say a bad word, 
I have to put a dollar in the jar, and 
at the end of every month, I take all that money and buy myself a nice steak for being such a cool dad.

`````````

“Has your son decided what 
he wants to be when he grows up?” 
I asked my friend.

“He wants to be a garbageman,” 
he replied.

“That’s an unusual ambition to have at such a young age.”

“Not really. He thinks that garbage men work only on Tuesdays.”

``````````

My ten-month-old was sitting in her high chair, twisting and moving all over the place. My wife said to me, “Straighten her up.”

I looked at my daughter and said, “What are you doing with your life? Do you want to be this way forever? It’s time to grow up.”
My wife hasn’t asked me to do anything since.

`````````

None of my grandsons share my corny sense of humor. When the family is eating lasagna, I say, “Lean over your plate, boys. You’ll get 
less-on-ya.” I say to the ten-year-old, “Don’t yell through the screen; you’ll strain your voice.” And when I took another grandson to the zoo, I asked, “Do you know why that snake’s not pressed against the glass? He doesn’t want to be a windshield viper.”

````````````

Dad rarely dresses up, so when he left the bedroom decked out in a suit and tie, he wanted to commemorate the moment. Handing me a camera, he asked, “Mind taking a selfie of me?”

````````

My father was completely lost in the kitchen and never ate unless someone prepared a meal for him. When Mother was ill, however, he volunteered to go to the supermarket for her. She sent him off with a carefully numbered list of seven items.

Dad returned shortly, very proud of himself, and proceeded to unpack the grocery bags. He had one bag of sugar, two dozen eggs, three hams, four boxes of detergent, five boxes of crackers, six eggplants, and seven green peppers.

````````````

Good morning everyboomie. wave2


I can't believe the weekend is gone, but I guess better the weekend than me. wink


I told my kids some pretty corny jokes . I wonder if they remember them. think


When we were traveling and passed a cemetery I would say "That's the last place I want to go, or People are dying to get in there." snicker


If we passed a person like a farmer in a pasture I would say, "That man is outstanding in his field." haha


If we pulled up behind someone pulling a horse trailer I would say, "There's a real horse's ass." rotfl


If it was a bull, or if I saw a bull I would of course say, "That's a bunch of bull." woot


Those were the good old days. wink


Have a happy day everyone.


joe


There are no strangers here; Only friends you haven’t yet met.

William Butler Yeats
Re: Monday [Re: gymcandy1] #1141360
02/11/18 10:45 PM
02/11/18 10:45 PM
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 80,570
In the Naughty Corner
BrownEyedTigre Online content
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
BrownEyedTigre  Online Content
The Sassy Admin and PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 80,570
In the Naughty Corner
I would have loved traveling with you! I bet your boys had fun! hearts

Back to work today. THe snow is to my knees so some of my clients are going to be a real challenge! It will be an interesting week!

Gail, prayers upped for you. Hope today is a better day.

Have a happy day everyone!


Don't feed the Trolls
Re: Monday [Re: gymcandy1] #1141365
02/12/18 12:03 AM
02/12/18 12:03 AM
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 8,379
Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
venus Offline
BAAG Specialist
venus  Offline
BAAG Specialist

Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 8,379
Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
Sounds like you had fun, Joe. lol

luck with your job today, Ana! Hope it goes well, in spite of the challenge.

It's Sunday night, and I'm off to sleep. I had a really great practice today, so I'm happy about that. woot Tomorrow it's back to work, and I intend to practice some more afterward. smile

Have a great Monday, everyone. winter


Interrogator: [True or false?] All mangoes are golden. Nothing golden is cheap. Conclusion - all mangoes are cheap.

Helena: Where are these mangoes?
Re: Monday [Re: gymcandy1] #1141379
02/12/18 05:45 AM
02/12/18 05:45 AM
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 24,330
Marlborough USA
Kaki's Sister Offline
True Blue Boomer
Kaki's Sister  Offline
True Blue Boomer

Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 24,330
Marlborough USA
Good Morning Joe, Ana, venus and all. Joe I miss the good old days! Ana you certainly will get a work out trudging thru the snow! Venus hope your practice goes well. Gail sending you healing hugs to help you feel better. Coffee, tea and hot chocolate are ready.
wave Wishing everyone a great Monday! wave


Gerry
Re: Monday [Re: gymcandy1] #1141392
02/12/18 08:13 AM
02/12/18 08:13 AM
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 13,719
winter springs fl.
connie Offline
Adept Boomer
connie  Offline
Adept Boomer

Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 13,719
winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone, have a Great Monday. Gail, Hugs and Prayers on the way. Danish, Eggs, Grits, Hash Browns, BB Pancakes, and French Toast in the NC. kitty


Connie
Re: Monday [Re: gymcandy1] #1141400
02/12/18 09:17 AM
02/12/18 09:17 AM
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 18,262
Massachusetts
GBC Offline
Graduate Boomer
GBC  Offline
Graduate Boomer

Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 18,262
Massachusetts
Morning Boomers

Got a Doctor's appointment today. Talk to you later. angel


Gail
Re: Monday [Re: gymcandy1] #1141422
02/12/18 11:45 AM
02/12/18 11:45 AM
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,800
Alabama
looney4labs Offline
Moderator
looney4labs  Offline
Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,800
Alabama
Magnificent Monday ya'll puppy

I'm doing a little taxes and a little laundry and a little vacuuming and then a lot of collapsing. Hope you have a great one. wave


"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras
Re: Monday [Re: gymcandy1] #1141442
02/12/18 03:01 PM
02/12/18 03:01 PM
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 14,623
northern Wisconsin
auntiegram Offline
Adept Boomer
auntiegram  Offline
Adept Boomer

Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 14,623
northern Wisconsin
Up this morning and off to the dentist for my annual " brighten the pearly whites"!!! LOL

HUGS Gail and good luck with the doc appointment!!!

L4l good luck with the little of this and that today! Hope you are feeling better! HUGS!

Have a wonderfully lovely day everybody!!!

shiver
Nan

Re: Monday [Re: gymcandy1] #1141465
02/12/18 07:08 PM
02/12/18 07:08 PM
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 33,597
Alabama
soot Offline
Puzzled Moderator
soot  Offline
Puzzled Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 33,597
Alabama
Moanday Monday afternoon everyone laugh

Hope your day was good and productive.

Wishing you all a quiet and relaxing evening

wave2


Dan
To learn, read...To know, write...To master, teach...To live, play games & listen to whale music
Stay Smart & Stay Safe
Re: Monday [Re: gymcandy1] #1141487
02/12/18 10:16 PM
02/12/18 10:16 PM
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,800
Alabama
looney4labs Offline
Moderator
looney4labs  Offline
Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,800
Alabama
Time for bed. Sweet dreams all sleep


"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras
Re: Monday [Re: gymcandy1] #1141492
02/13/18 12:07 AM
02/13/18 12:07 AM
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 8,379
Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
venus Offline
BAAG Specialist
venus  Offline
BAAG Specialist

Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 8,379
Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
Good night, everyone. sleep


Interrogator: [True or false?] All mangoes are golden. Nothing golden is cheap. Conclusion - all mangoes are cheap.

Helena: Where are these mangoes?
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