A pessimist is one who makes difficulties of his opportunities and an optimist is one who makes opportunities of his difficulties.
~Harry S Truman~
Marriage is an institution of three rings. Engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.
“Darling, can I go out in this dress?”
“Yes dear, it’s already dark out.”
Newlyweds wake up one morning on their honeymoon and the man suggests: "Darling, why don’t you brew us some coffee?"
Wife looks confused: "But that's your task, honey."
"It’s all over the Bible, dearest."
"The Bible says nothing about who’s supposed to be brewing coffee!"
The wife grabs hold of a copy and starts flipping pages at random: "See? Everywhere: Hebrews, Hebrews, Hebrews."
It’s been raining for days now and my husband seems very depressed by it.
He keeps standing by the window, staring. If it continues, I’m going to have to let him in.
A little boy looks at his mum at a wedding and says, “Mummy, why is the girl dressed all in white?”
His mum answers, “The girls is called a bride and she is in white because she’s very happy and this is the happiest day of her life.”
The boy nods and then says, “OK, and why is the boy all in black?”
An elderly couple talk in the evening:
“Honey, I’m so sorry that I let out my anger at you so often. How do you manage to stay so calm with my foul moods?”
“I always go and clean the toilet when that happens.”
“And that helps?”
“Yes, because I’m using your toothbrush.”
Honey, do you think I gained weight?
No, I think the living room got smaller.
Honey, what will you give me for our 25th anniversary?
A trip to Thailand?
Wow, that’s awesome, and for our 50th anniversary?
Then I'll come pick you up again.
I got really angry with my sat nav today. I even yelled at it to go to hell. 20 minutes later, it brought me in front of my mother-in-law’s house.
A man and his wife have to go to a doctor. The doctor asks, “Do you share the same blood group?”
The husband replies, “We must by now. She’s been sucking my blood for years.”
What's the difference between a bachelor and a married man? Bachelor comes home, checks out what's in the fridge & goes to bed. Married man comes home, checks out what's in the bed & goes to the fridge.
My husband and I had very happy twenty years. Then we met.
“I’ve had it with your silly remarks about my weight. I’m leaving you!”
“But honey, what about our child?”
“Oh, so you’re not pregnant?”
At a medical check-up:
Do you do dangerous sports?
Well, sometimes I talk back at my wife.
Good morning everyboomie.
My Monday turned out to be so awesome.
After most of the morning had burned off, I went to Walmart to stock up on some things, and by then it had warmed up enough that I didn't need a jacket.
I took Missy parking, and then went home to put up groceries, and eat lunch.
Then it was so nice I decided to go to the sod farm today instead of tomorrow, because tomorrow I want to clean my truck up before I have to drive to Dallas Wednesday.
I think I walked over twenty acres out there, and was out there over 3 hours.
Missy was having fun, but she finally started to wear out, and wanted me to carry her.
She even got tired of chasing rocks when I'd throw them.
I told her that if she could help me look for points, if she found one for me, just one, then we would quit and go back home.
She didn't even try to find any.
Anyway I managed to find one arrowhead, and a scraper, and some other pieces.
Have a happy day everyone.