“Fish who are caught and released are like the aquatic equivalent of people who claim to have been abducted by aliens.”
–
~Bill Murray~
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An elderly couple talk in the evening:
“Honey, I’m so sorry that I let out my anger at you so often. How do you manage to stay so calm with my foul moods?”
“I always go and clean the toilet when that happens.”
“And that helps?”
“Yes, I’m using your toothbrush.”
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Honey, do you think I gained weight?
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No, I think the living room got smaller.
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Honey, what will you give me for our 25th anniversary?
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A trip to Thailand?
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Wow, that’s awesome, and for our 50th anniversary?
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Then I'll fly you back home.
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I got really angry with my sat nav today, and told it to go to hell. Twenty minutes later, it brought me in front of my mother-in-law’s house.
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A man noticed his credit card has been stolen - but he never reported it. Apparently the thief was spending considerably less than his wife.“
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A man and his wife have to go to a doctor. The doctor asks, “Do you share the same blood group?”
The husband replies, “We must by now. She’s been sucking my blood for years.”
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What's the difference between a bachelor and a married man? Bachelor comes home, checks out what's in the fridge & goes to bed. Married man comes home, checks out what's in the bed & goes to the fridge.
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Mommy, why are all the cars beeping their horns?
Because there’s a wedding going on.
But isn’t the horn a warning signal, Mommy?
Exactly, son.
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“I’ve had it with your silly remarks about my weight. I’m leaving you!”
“But honey, what about our child?”
“What child?!”
“You’re not pregnant???”
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Wife to husband: “Honey, guess who’s not wearing any panties and bra today?”
Husband, “Ah, so that’s what's pulling the wrinkles out of your face!”
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Childhood is when you go to the toilet in the night and then you run back and jump in your bed, glad that the monster under the bed didn’t get you.
Adulthood is when you try not to wake the monster lying in bed next to you.
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At a medical check-up:
Do you do dangerous sports?
Well, sometimes I talk back at my wife.
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Arguing with the wife is a lot like trying to read the Terms of Use on the internet. In the end you just give up and go “I Agree”.
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I’ve never been married, but I can imagine how it feels. I once had to march for 10 hours with a stone stuck in my shoe.
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I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised to hear it.
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Good morning everyboomie.
Thank you Leeann. Great to see you in the diner.
Saturday morning was great here. We had high clouds and a breeze that felt real good. I would have loved to have been out at the sod farm, just walking around and hoping to get lucky.
It's funny how your priorities change over time. I used to go to bars and walk around all night hoping to get lucky.
Now I'm head hunting in a big open field.
Anyway I had other things to do today, like mowing my yard again. Yahoo!
You can bet it warmed up pretty quick when I started that.
Have a super Sunday everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Hope you get to go back to the farm soon.
Luckily, I've practiced a lot this week, so things should go well. 
L4L
