Carry out a random act of kindness, with no expectation of reward, safe in the knowledge that one day someone might do the same for you.
~Princess Diana~
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I was in small-claims court when I listened in on the case of a woman who held a good job but still had trouble paying her bills on time. "Can't you live within your income?" asked the judge.
"No, Your Honor," she said. "It's all I can do to live within my credit."
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My friend has a bad habit of overdrawing her bank account. One day before we went shopping, I complained about my lack of funds and lamented, “Guess I’ll use plastic.”
Unconcerned, she whipped out her checkbook: “I’m using rubber.”
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No one likes coughing up rent. But at least these tenants gave landlords creative reasons for avoiding it.
"With my daughter's graduation, our new boat, and our trip to Europe this year, we're a little strapped."
"I'm getting real tired of paying this rent every month! You'll have to wait a few more days."
"We're a little short right now. But don't worry—we're getting a refund on my wife's tattoo. The artist messed it up, and we're getting back most of the bucks!"
"I didn't pay the rent because I'm saving up to move."
"It's your fault the check bounced. Why didn't you tell me you were going to run to the bank the very same day!"
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A local charity had never received a donation from the town's banker, so the director made a phone call.
"Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven't given a penny to charity," the director began. "Wouldn't you like to help the community?"
The banker replied, "Did your research show that my mother is ill, with extremely expensive medical bills?"
"Um, no," mumbled the director.
"Or that my brother is blind and unemployed? Or that my sister's husband died, leaving her broke with four kids?"
"I … I … I had no idea."
"So," said the banker, "if I don't give them any money, why would I give any to you?"
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The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a brief, fruitless search, he gave up. His mother took up the cause and within minutes found the lens.
"How did you do that?" he asked.
"We weren’t looking for the same thing," she explained. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."
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To publicize colon cancer screenings, an Idaho doctor suggested that a reminder be included in every tax notice. The idea was nixed. "Recommending a colonoscopy in the same envelope as the tax notice may be considered ironic," said the county treasurer.
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I took four tires to a friend’s garage sale and was asking $30 apiece. I needed to leave for a few minutes, so I asked him to watch them for me.
"Sure," he said, "but if someone offers less, how low are you willing to go?"
"Try for more, but I will accept $15," I said, and left.
When I returned, my tires were gone. "How much did you get for them?" I asked excitedly.
"Fifteen dollars each."
"Who bought them?"
"I did!"
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A Brooklyn café is charging $12 for a cup of Ethiopian coffee. The drink doesn't have a name, so The Week asked its readers to do the honors.
Mocha Dinero
Cost-a-latte
Brokefest Blend
Excesso
Ka-Ching-accino
Goldbean Sachs
Café au Laitaway
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During an antiharassment seminar at work, I asked, "What's the difference between harassment and good-natured teasing?" A co-worker shouted, "A million dollars."
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From our local TV news station, this undeniably true travel suggestion: "Next up, ten money-saving tips for your trip to Hawaii. Don't go away!"
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Good morning everyboomie.
I just finished mowing the lawn.....the whole lawn......and nothing but the lawn.
It was 93 degrees when I started, and 93 when I finished an hour later.
Now there's a forecast you can bank on. It will be 93 degrees, all.....day.....long!!
Hot, but not like, you know, hot enough to pop popcorn on your mower while you mow, like last week.
This whole week will be like, 97, 96, 98, 97....la la la la la la la.
Never fear though, October is just, 1....ummm 2.....
....hey what comes after 2?
Have a happy day everyone.
joe
acebook
witter
Hope you're staying as cool as you can.
Wishing everyone a peaceful day! 
