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Monday's #1159935
08/12/18 09:01 PM
08/12/18 09:01 PM
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 32,980
Calera, Oklahoma
gymcandy1 Offline OP
Sonic Boomer
gymcandy1  Offline OP
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 32,980
Calera, Oklahoma
Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.

~Anthony Burgess~
`````````````````


If you were an auto insurer, would you have paid these actual claims?

“In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.”

“I didn’t think the speed limit 
applied after midnight.”

“The car in front hit the pedestrian, but he got up so I hit him again.”

`````

Student: I don’t understand why my grade was so low. How did 
I do on my research paper?

Teacher: Actually, you didn’t turn in a research paper. You turned in a random assemblage of sentences. In fact, the 
sentences you apparently 
kidnapped in the dead of night 
and forced into this violent and arbitrary plan of yours clearly seemed to be placed on the pages against their will. Reading your paper was like watching unfamiliar, uncomfortable people interacting at a cocktail party that no one wanted to attend in the first place. You didn’t submit a research paper. You submitted a hostage situation.

``````

My sister didn’t do as well on her driver’s-ed test as she’d hoped. 
It might have had something to 
do with how she completed this 
sentence: “When the ______ is dead, the car won’t start.”

She wrote: “Driver.”

``````

After an impromptu song, our pastor asked the church pianist, “What key did I sing that in?”

The pianist replied, “Most of them.”

``````

Real Excuses Tenants Gave for Not Paying Rent

• “I have to make payments on my BMW and iPhones.”

• “You are too wrapped up in the whole concept of ‘money. ’ ”

• “So ... you’re talking to me only 
because the rent’s not paid? Is that all I am to you? A tenant?”

``````

Test Answers From Smart-Alecky Students

• Q: 
What’s the name of a 
six-sided polygon?

A: Sixagon.

• Q: 
What part of the body is 
affected by glandular fever?

A: The glandular.

• Q: 
In The Tempest, why does 
Ariel sing in Gonzalo’s ear?

A: 
She’s a mermaid and wants to be human.

• Q: 
In comparison with large 
hydrocarbons, how would you describe small hydrocarbons?

A: They’re smaller.

• Q: 
Who were the Bolsheviks?

A: A Russian ballet company.

From F in Exams: Pop Quiz, 
by Richard Benson (Chronicle Books)

`````````

The Dumbest Questions from National Park Tourists

What are the wildest things national park guides contend with? Questions from tourists, like these:

• How much does Mount McKinley weigh?

• Would the lightning be faster if 
it didn’t zigzag?

• What do you do with the snow when it melts?

````

Clients From Hell


I’d been working on a few illustrations for a client for a clothing line of graphic tees. The theme of the line was iconic cities of our state. We began discussing an idea for a notorious tourist-trap beach town, and I submitted a concept to him.

Me: Here’s my idea for the beach shirt.

Client: I’m not really a fan… I think I want this one to be nautically themed. Like old illustrations and symbols of fishing and sailing.

Me: Okay… this city isn’t really known for that, but I’ll do my best.

I submit a new design to him per his specifications.

Client: I don’t like this at all. It doesn’t reflect the city very well.

`````

"The CEO tried to view the new website with the built-in browser in his Tesla and it didn’t display correctly. Please fix for all Teslas."

``````

"Is it ok if I get a drawing for free after you finish this 1 please? Can I please get a buy 1 get 1 free deal?"
Posted at 10:20am

``````

I’m a website designer for a media start-up, fulfilling an internship requirement for my degree.

Client: I’ve been looking through different themes and I like this one a lot. Could you change the theme?

I noticed it was the exact same WordPress theme that I was currently working with.

Me: This is the theme I am currently using. It just looks a little different because I’ve changed the color scheme and the background image is different. If you like the original color scheme, I can just reset the theme back to its original.

Client: Yeah, let’s do that.

A week later I got another e-mail from him.

Client: Hey, I don’t really like the red color scheme anymore. Can you change it back to that blue color scheme you had earlier? I really liked that one.

`````

I’m a video editor, working on a corporate video for a client.

Client: This looks great, but can you remove the b-roll at [timecodes]?

Me: Ok, do we have a preference on what to replace it with?

Client: Anything’s fine, just make sure there isn’t any footage of anyone of ethnicity.

Me: Well, you know everyone has an ethnicity.

Client: Right, but don’t show any blacks.

``````

While working on an e-commerce site design:

Client: All of my models are white, so I hired some colored girls to model my clothes.

Me: Uh…

Client: I don’t want anyone to think I am racist.

Me: Yeah. I am sure this will fix that for sure.

``````

I just finished a meeting with an older client. As I’m leaving, he says:

Client: Ni hao!

I blinked while he looked pleased with himself. After I got over my surprise:

Me: Ni hao means “hello,” not goodbye. Also I’m not Chinese.

He didn’t respond.

```````

I was making an advertisement that featured children playing in the snow. The client used a horrible stock image account and finding a lot of pictures to choose from was almost impossible but I managed to find a good one of two little kids making an igloo.

The kids just happened to be Asian.

Client: Can you find a picture of kids that aren’t ethnic?

She actually forced me to find a picture of white kids instead. I actually felt sick to my stomach.

`````

I worked as a designer for an advertising company that mostly dealt with small businesses, a lot of which were in small towns in rural areas. When designing an ad that needed stock photos of people, I always tried to include multicultural images. Most clients thought that was great.

Most.

Client: What’s with these images? We’re not in Toronto! Please use images of CANADIAN patients!

I was speechless. I just sent back an ad with the whitest people possible and didn’t work with him again.

````````

Good morning everyboomie. wink


Here it is, the day after tomorrow, again. yes


We've had a nice cool weekend here. Hard to believe it's August but we're not going to complain one tiny bit. shame


Well maybe a tiny bit. We've had 80% rain chances for two day, and not gotten a single drop. blech


I took Beau home this morning, so we're back to me, the bird, and Missy. puppy


Whatever your day holds, I hope you have a happy one. thumbsup


joe


There are no strangers here; Only friends you haven’t yet met.

William Butler Yeats
Re: Monday's [Re: gymcandy1] #1159949
08/12/18 11:13 PM
08/12/18 11:13 PM
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 79,154
In the Naughty Corner
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Administrator PR Liaison
BrownEyedTigre  Offline
The Sassy Administrator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 79,154
In the Naughty Corner
Joe, I hope your Monday finds you with a monsoon! lol Or maybe just enough rain to wash the dirt off some points!

I went horse back riding yesterday and it was wonderful. I had a full weekend, not enough hours in a day, but I'm ready for Monday!

Ana wave


Don't feed the Trolls
Re: Monday's [Re: gymcandy1] #1159952
08/12/18 11:36 PM
08/12/18 11:36 PM
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 125
Thrudvanger
Thorsgoats Offline
Settled Boomer
Thorsgoats  Offline
Settled Boomer

Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 125
Thrudvanger
It's Sunday night, and I got home from work about an hour and a half ago. I had a shorter day today. Abnaxus and I made it home okay. I didn't get a good parking place again, so I can't see Abnaxus from the window to see how he's behaving. He sees all these future threads, but he never tells me anything.

I'm off tomorrow and won't have to work until Wednesday. I'm hoping to play some more of Unavowed.


"Is there anybody there? Am I alone . . . in this place? Can you see me? Can you hear me? SHOW me you are here!"
Re: Monday's [Re: gymcandy1] #1159957
08/13/18 12:00 AM
08/13/18 12:00 AM
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 8,379
Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
venus Offline
BAAG Specialist
venus  Offline
BAAG Specialist

Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 8,379
Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
Sorry about the rain not cooperating with the prediction, Joe. frown Hope that changes soon! We've had way too many thunderstorms here. I can try to send you one if you're interested. lol

Glad you had fun horse back riding, Ana! woot

Have fun with Unavowed, Thorsgoats. It's a great game. thumbsup Also, first episode of the final season of The Walking Dead is out on Tuesday, so you'll have plenty to play for the next couple of days. grin

It's Sunday night here, and I'm off to sleep. My 3 day weekend is over way too soon, and it's back to work again tomorrow. Fortunately, it looks as though I was able to arrange another 3 day weekend this week, so I can't complain too much. grin

Have a great Monday, everyone. summer


Interrogator: [True or false?] All mangoes are golden. Nothing golden is cheap. Conclusion - all mangoes are cheap.

Helena: Where are these mangoes?
Re: Monday's [Re: gymcandy1] #1159965
08/13/18 04:48 AM
08/13/18 04:48 AM
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 24,256
Marlborough USA
Kaki's Sister Offline
True Blue Boomer
Kaki's Sister  Offline
True Blue Boomer

Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 24,256
Marlborough USA
Good Morning Joe, Ana, Thorsgoats, venus and everyone. Joe hope your weather is what you want today! Ana I miss my horses. Glad you enjoyed riding. Thorsgoats have fun with the game! Venus great news that you are going to have another 3 day weekend! Coffee and tea are ready.

It's going to be another hot and humid day here. I hope to get my walk in anyway.
wave Have a great day everyone! wave


Gerry
Re: Monday's [Re: gymcandy1] #1159973
08/13/18 07:19 AM
08/13/18 07:19 AM
Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 12,499
winter springs fl.
connie Offline
Adept Boomer
connie  Offline
Adept Boomer

Joined: Jul 2002
Posts: 12,499
winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone, have a Great Monday. Bingo at the Eagles today. Danish, Eggs, Grits, Hash Browns, BB Pancakes, Bacon, and French Toast in the NC. summer


Connie
Re: Monday's [Re: gymcandy1] #1159995
08/13/18 11:15 AM
08/13/18 11:15 AM
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,502
Alabama
looney4labs Offline
Moderator
looney4labs  Offline
Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 48,502
Alabama
Ahhhhh, listen to that quiet joy

Boys had a good first week of school, and we had a weekend full of delicious food.

I'm sure I have something I need to do. I'll figure it out in a bit...by bedtime for sure. Have a great day, ya'll puppy


"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras
Re: Monday's [Re: gymcandy1] #1160054
08/13/18 11:22 PM
08/13/18 11:22 PM
Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 8,379
Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
venus Offline
BAAG Specialist
venus  Offline
BAAG Specialist

Joined: Mar 2009
Posts: 8,379
Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
Good night, everyone. sleep


Interrogator: [True or false?] All mangoes are golden. Nothing golden is cheap. Conclusion - all mangoes are cheap.

Helena: Where are these mangoes?
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