Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
If you were an auto insurer, would you have paid these actual claims?
“In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.”
“I didn’t think the speed limit
applied after midnight.”
“The car in front hit the pedestrian, but he got up so I hit him again.”
Student: I don’t understand why my grade was so low. How did
I do on my research paper?
Teacher: Actually, you didn’t turn in a research paper. You turned in a random assemblage of sentences. In fact, the
sentences you apparently
kidnapped in the dead of night
and forced into this violent and arbitrary plan of yours clearly seemed to be placed on the pages against their will. Reading your paper was like watching unfamiliar, uncomfortable people interacting at a cocktail party that no one wanted to attend in the first place. You didn’t submit a research paper. You submitted a hostage situation.
My sister didn’t do as well on her driver’s-ed test as she’d hoped.
It might have had something to
do with how she completed this
sentence: “When the ______ is dead, the car won’t start.”
She wrote: “Driver.”
After an impromptu song, our pastor asked the church pianist, “What key did I sing that in?”
The pianist replied, “Most of them.”
Real Excuses Tenants Gave for Not Paying Rent
• “I have to make payments on my BMW and iPhones.”
• “You are too wrapped up in the whole concept of ‘money. ’ ”
• “So ... you’re talking to me only
because the rent’s not paid? Is that all I am to you? A tenant?”
Test Answers From Smart-Alecky Students
What’s the name of a
What part of the body is
affected by glandular fever?
A: The glandular.
In The Tempest, why does
Ariel sing in Gonzalo’s ear?
She’s a mermaid and wants to be human.
In comparison with large
hydrocarbons, how would you describe small hydrocarbons?
A: They’re smaller.
Who were the Bolsheviks?
A: A Russian ballet company.
From F in Exams: Pop Quiz,
by Richard Benson (Chronicle Books)
The Dumbest Questions from National Park Tourists
What are the wildest things national park guides contend with? Questions from tourists, like these:
• How much does Mount McKinley weigh?
• Would the lightning be faster if
it didn’t zigzag?
• What do you do with the snow when it melts?
````Clients From Hell
I’d been working on a few illustrations for a client for a clothing line of graphic tees. The theme of the line was iconic cities of our state. We began discussing an idea for a notorious tourist-trap beach town, and I submitted a concept to him.
Me: Here’s my idea for the beach shirt.
Client: I’m not really a fan… I think I want this one to be nautically themed. Like old illustrations and symbols of fishing and sailing.
Me: Okay… this city isn’t really known for that, but I’ll do my best.
I submit a new design to him per his specifications.
Client: I don’t like this at all. It doesn’t reflect the city very well.
"The CEO tried to view the new website with the built-in browser in his Tesla and it didn’t display correctly. Please fix for all Teslas."
"Is it ok if I get a drawing for free after you finish this 1 please? Can I please get a buy 1 get 1 free deal?"
Posted at 10:20am
I’m a website designer for a media start-up, fulfilling an internship requirement for my degree.
Client: I’ve been looking through different themes and I like this one a lot. Could you change the theme?
I noticed it was the exact same WordPress theme that I was currently working with.
Me: This is the theme I am currently using. It just looks a little different because I’ve changed the color scheme and the background image is different. If you like the original color scheme, I can just reset the theme back to its original.
Client: Yeah, let’s do that.
A week later I got another e-mail from him.
Client: Hey, I don’t really like the red color scheme anymore. Can you change it back to that blue color scheme you had earlier? I really liked that one.
I’m a video editor, working on a corporate video for a client.
Client: This looks great, but can you remove the b-roll at [timecodes]?
Me: Ok, do we have a preference on what to replace it with?
Client: Anything’s fine, just make sure there isn’t any footage of anyone of ethnicity.
Me: Well, you know everyone has an ethnicity.
Client: Right, but don’t show any blacks.
While working on an e-commerce site design:
Client: All of my models are white, so I hired some colored girls to model my clothes.
Client: I don’t want anyone to think I am racist.
Me: Yeah. I am sure this will fix that for sure.
I just finished a meeting with an older client. As I’m leaving, he says:
Client: Ni hao!
I blinked while he looked pleased with himself. After I got over my surprise:
Me: Ni hao means “hello,” not goodbye. Also I’m not Chinese.
He didn’t respond.
I was making an advertisement that featured children playing in the snow. The client used a horrible stock image account and finding a lot of pictures to choose from was almost impossible but I managed to find a good one of two little kids making an igloo.
The kids just happened to be Asian.
Client: Can you find a picture of kids that aren’t ethnic?
She actually forced me to find a picture of white kids instead. I actually felt sick to my stomach.
I worked as a designer for an advertising company that mostly dealt with small businesses, a lot of which were in small towns in rural areas. When designing an ad that needed stock photos of people, I always tried to include multicultural images. Most clients thought that was great.
Client: What’s with these images? We’re not in Toronto! Please use images of CANADIAN patients!
I was speechless. I just sent back an ad with the whitest people possible and didn’t work with him again.
Good morning everyboomie.
Here it is, the day after tomorrow, again.
We've had a nice cool weekend here. Hard to believe it's August but we're not going to complain one tiny bit.
Well maybe a tiny bit. We've had 80% rain chances for two day, and not gotten a single drop.
I took Beau home this morning, so we're back to me, the bird, and Missy.
Whatever your day holds, I hope you have a happy one.